Hotdog

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Hotdog stand, half time at football match.
A hotdog stand is set up on SL, faint football crowd noise can be heard in the background, EDDIE is stood behind the hotdog stand stirring onions in a pan, there is a queue of people to the right of the stand, JAMES is stood at the front of the queue.
EDDIE: Aright mate, what can I do you for?
JAMES: Chicken please.
EDDIE: Chicken?
JAMES: Yes, a chicken pie please.
EDDIE: I do ot dogs. I aint got no chicken pies.
JAMES: A steak and kidney pie then?
EDDIE: You avin a laff?
JAMES: Not at all. So you don’t have any steak and kidney pies either?
EDDIE: No I aint got no bleedin pies, I got ot dogs.
JAMES: Do you have a beef and onion pie then please?
EDDIE: Listen mate, I’m gonna do you some damage if you carry on askin for a bleedin
pie. You can eiver av an ot dog or you can do one.
JAMES: Ah, is there a special nod or handshake I need to partake in to be able to have a
pie? (winks at Eddie)
EDDIE: Special nod or andshake?! I’ll give you a special nod if you don’t clear off you
nutter.
JAMES: Well, we clearly seem to be on different pages sir, and quite frankly I find you
extremely ill mannered.
EDDIE: Diff’rent pages? You’re on a diff’rent bleedin bookshelf mate! Now clear off
before I shove my boot up your arsenal.
(JAMES walks away SR shaking his head in disgust, EDDIE carries on in the background serving the queue, DAVINA enters SR, sees JAMES and walks towards him)
DAVINA: Darling! You’ve been gone such a long time I’ve come on the hunt for you.
JAMES: Sorry sweetie, I’ve had no joy with the food, the man on the stand was so
unhelpful. He protested he had no pies at all.
DAVINA: Well of course he doesn’t silly, he sells hot dogs.
JAMES: But sweetie, you said he had lovely pies.
DAVINA: (laughs) Oh darling you are too funny. Yes I did say that, I was speaking the in
the amusing slang these people use. I said he had nice pies. Eyes silly, eyes. He
has nice eyes!
JAMES: Oh! I’m such a silly billy!
(JAMES and DAVINA laugh together, hold hands and exit SR)

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