non fiction

All posts in the non fiction category

Aloha From Menorca!

Published May 21, 2023 by Naomi Rettig

I discovered that my brain does not play nicely when trying to flip between languages. I learnt the basics in Spanish before travelling to Menorca, or I thought I did, my brain had other ideas. You’d think that a two-syllable word as easy as ‘Hola’ wouldn’t be a problem. When people were approaching me, or I was heading to the dining area in the hotel I had to start saying ‘Hola’ like some weird cult mantra to make sure I said it correctly. When I didn’t practice in my head on approach, my brain made me say a variety of greetings that were not Hola. I greeted various people with ‘Aloe’, ‘Allah’, ‘Salut’, and ‘Aloha’. My thank-yous were slightly better, I only slipped into Italian a few times with ‘grazie’, instead of ‘gracias’, and only once a Portuguese ‘obrigado’. I can’t speak Portuguese; my brain is a clown.

As well as new languages I learnt a lot on my trip to Menorca:

Cats in Menorca aren’t as friendly as cats in Wales. Ok, I only encountered two, but they both didn’t respond to ‘hello’ or ‘hola’. Maybe I should have tried another of my many languages. One just glanced nonchalantly my way in complete indifference, the other found a plastic pipe it was staring at more interesting than me. That hurt.

Even though my allergy to feathers and my allergy to broad beans don’t impact me too much separately, when I eat broad beans and sleep on a feather pillow my airways will become compromised.

Spanish police passport border guards take the number one spot for miserableness from the NYC airport border police. In their contracts it must state that they are to never speak and must have daily Botox to prevent any facial muscles from moving. I don’t expect a full-on jazz band and a manically happy greeting when I enter a new country, but a smile would be quite nice.

The term supermarket in Menorca is completely different to what I would call a supermarket. The ‘supermarket’ in S’Algar was basically someone selling basic grocery items out of their house.

I’ve learnt that I must pack coffee to take with me when travelling as my hotel room only had tea in the room. Barbaric. And the coffee available in the dining room was awful.

I cannot eat an Ice-cream sandwich elegantly in Punta Prima. Or probably anywhere else.

The only birds I heard were sparrows, gulls, blackbirds, and doves. Just like I can hear in my garden at home. I asked the holiday rep at the hotel what birds were on Menorca and he said there was a special woodpecker native to only the island. I didn’t see or hear that.

Menorcan cuisine doesn’t cater for vegetarians well. It was like travelling back to the 70’s vegetarian-wise. The all-inclusive hotel was extremely limited, so I had margarita pizza and chips twice a day for a week. And it wasn’t even nice pizza. But good for aversion therapy, it will probably be a while before I have a desire to eat pizza and chips. I did have one meal that wasn’t pizza and chips though. One night they had aubergine parmigiana on display. I didn’t think I’d be so excited to see an aubergine. I don’t even like aubergines, but I ate it just to break up the monotony.

The hotel had weird ideas about desserts. Custard in a bowl with a digestive biscuit laid on the top was strange, and a bowl layered with apple sauce, Sugar puffs, and squirty cream was odd. I don’t know if this is how Menorcans eat dessert or whether they thought that this is what British people eat.

My inner five-year-old was happy to see the hotel provided a land train ride around the resort, and I learnt you’re never too old to be excited about having the wind in your hair at three miles an hour and giggle when your boobs bounce up and down dramatically due to lack of suspension in said land train when going over speed bumps. Especially when you’re the only person riding on it. Also, if you have purple hair, it will seem perfectly normal for the land train driver, Jose, to serenade you with the song Purple Rain for an awkward two minutes.

It can get windy in Menorca in May. I took a boat trip around Mahon harbour which was lovely, and I started off with purple hair and ended up with lilac hair as the wind blew all the colour away. That may be an exaggeration.

Mahon has very steep steps down to the harbour front but a free lift/elevator back up to the top, hooray!

The sea was such beautiful shades of blue and I could have, and did, watch it for hours.

I learnt that I’m overly fascinated with palm tree seed pods and could have, and did, just stare at them for far too long.

Seagulls enjoyed swimming, drinking, and washing in the hotel swimming pool when no humans were in there, so I presume it wasn’t chlorinated. Or they were addicted to chlorine. Either one.

Menorcan cheese tastes like the Norwegian cheese Jarlsberg.

I discovered that my hotel was mainly a Saga hotel. I thought was for the over 70’s but have since discovered that Saga holidays are for the over 50’s. Which I am, but of course I don’t consider myself to be old. But on thinking about it I tick all the criteria: enjoys jigsaws, gentle walks, reading, early meal times, doesn’t like to party, likes listening to birds. Jeez, I am a Saga holiday person.

Overall, I learnt that I enjoyed visiting Menorca but would probably not go back. There are far too many other places for me to explore and experience.

On to the next adventure!

Advertisement

Eurovision 2023 View – Pleather, Sparkles, and Dangerously Long Nails.

Published May 8, 2023 by Naomi Rettig

Semi Final 1 (Tuesday 9th)

  1. Norway – Alessandra/ Queen of Kings. Song 6/10, costume/performance 7/10.  What’s not to like about a green velvet corset and lightsabres (or air traffic control wands).

Total score = 13/20

  • Malta – The Busker/ Dance (Our Own Party). Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. Starting with jumpers, circa 1980 C&A style, I was worried about them overheating but then they remove said jumpers to reveal sparkly jumpers! Doubly worried about them overheating now. But I like the sparkly jumpers. And I like a saxophone at Eurovision. Points for sparkliness and a costume change.

Total score = 10/20

  • Serbia – Luke Black/ Samo mi se spava. Song 2/10, costume/performance 4/10 for weirdness value. New romantic style man emerging from a giant vagina who then activates gas masked people to dance. No, not a cheese dream, this happened in the real rehearsal.

Total score = 6/20

  • Latvia – Sudden Lights/ Aija. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. Bland song, bland ill-fitting suit, bland staging. Will probably appeal to Coldplay fans.

Total score = 4/20

  • Portugal – Mimicat/Ai Coracao. Song 1/10, costume/staging 2/10. The red feather dress will be a nightmare for stagehands, shedding feathers everywhere.

Total score= 3/20

  • Ireland – Wild Youth/ We Are One. Song 7/10, costume/performance 8/10. Lead singer looks like a young Daniel O’Donnell disguised as an Oscar statuette.

Total score = 15/20

  • Croatia – Let 3/ Mama SC. Song1/10, costume/performance 4/10. If you ever wondered what dictators in drag would look like, here you go. And I think, from a sneak peek at rehearsals, they will strip to their underwear. I’m not looking forward to that.

Total score = 5/20

  • Switzerland – Remo Forrer/ Watergun. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. A see through jacket and plastic trousers don’t excite me.

Total score = 4/10

  • Israel – Noa Kirel/Unicorn. Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. An impressive gymnastic performance by the singer.  

Total score = 10/20

  1. Moldova – Pasha Parfeni/ Soarele si luna. Song 5/10, costume/performance 8/10. Fringing (which I love), a midget/dwarf/vertically challenged person/whatever is PC to say playing a flute, extreme horn headwear on backing singers. All ticks for me.

Total score = 13/20

  1. Sweden – Loreen/Tattoo. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. Weird beige Mad Max outfit going on but I’m more distracted by her Freddy Kruger nails. How does she manage in the toilet? How is this the favourite to win?

Total score = 4/20

  1. Azerbaijan – TuralTuranX/ Tell Me More. Song 3/10, costume/performance 3/10.  Co-ordinating outfits from the 70’s. We had wallpaper like their scarves when I was little. I’m concerned their scarves kept getting in the way of their guitars.

Total score = 6/20

  1. Czechia – Vesna/ My Sisters Crown. Song 1/10, costume/performance 2/10. Rapping Rapunzels aren’t for me.

Total score = 3/10

  1. Netherlands – Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper/ Burning Daylight. Song 1/10, costume/Performance 1/10. Dull song, dull costumes, even putting them on a revolving platform doesn’t make it any more exciting. Unless someone speeds it up and they fall off. Total score = 2/20
  2. Finland – Kaarija/ Cha Cha Cha. Song 2/10, costume/performance 8/10. Wow. I imagine this is what it’s like to experience taking PCP. Song is too aggressive and shouty for me, but the staging is entertaining. Anyone who dresses with giant pea pod arms and feels confident in rubber spiky trousers deserves points.

Total score = 10/20

Therefore my 10 choices to get selected to go through to the final would be: Ireland, Norway, Moldova, Malta, Israel, Finland, Serbia, Azerbaijan, and Croatia.

Semi Final 2 (Thursday 11th May)

  1. Denmark – Reiley/ Breaking My Heart. Song 4/10, costume/performance 5/10. Teeny bopper tune, sweet and inoffensive.

Total score = 9/20

  • Armenia – Brunette/Future Lover. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. They say blondes have more fun, this Brunette is certainly not fun.

Total score = 4/20

  • Romania – Theodor Andrei/ DGT. Song 5/10, costume/performance 6/10. I don’t like men in ‘smart’ shorts, but Theodor pulls this look off for me, I do find his glasses to be akin to serial killer 70’s glasses. I think that’s just me though.

Total score = 11/20

  • Estonia – Alika/ Bridges. Song 3/10, costume/performance 2/10. Too much floaty material trailing behind, like when you get toilet paper stuck in your pants. And weird arm straps flapping, like an undone straight jacket.

Total score = 5/20

  • Belgium – Gustaph/ Because of You. Song 8/10, Costume/performance 7/10. I love the dancey song, and I’m mesmerised by his trousers as my brain can’t work out what style they are supposed to be.

Total score = 15/20

  • Cyprus – Andrew Lambrou/ Break a Broken Heart. Song 6/10, costume/performance 3/10. This song has grown on me, I like his voice, but the staging is too simple for me.

Total score = 9/20

  • Iceland – Dilja/ Power. Song 4/10, costume/performance 3/10. The silver pleather suit doesn’t appeal to me, and the tiny turntable doesn’t make the performance exciting. Unless it malfunctions.

Total score = 7/20

  • Greece – Victor Vernicos/ What They Say. Song 2/10, costume/performance 1/10. Beige shorts and top combo looks like he’s going on safari not to Eurovision. Beige song too.

Total score = 3/20

  • Poland – Blanka/ Solo. Song 3/10, costume/performance 5/10. A costume change with a sparkly outfit ticks my boxes.

Total score = 8/20

  1. Slovenia – Joker Out/ Carpe Diem. Song 8/10, costume/performance 7/10. Great song to jiggle along to, and I’m loving the pink silk trouser and floral shirt combo. I do like a band playing all their instruments on the Eurovision stage.

Total score = 15/20

  1. Georgia – Iru/Echo. Song 3/10, costume/performance 2/10. Performance points mainly for the fact she has a wind machine.

Total score = 5/20

  1. San Mariano – Piqued Jacks/ Like an Animal. Song 2/10, costume/performance 3/10. Sparkly shoulder pads and their own band playing elevated the performance points.

Total score = 5/10

  1. Austria – Teya & Salena/Who the Hell is Edgar? Song 1/10, costume/performance 1/10. Anyone who thinks dressing in bin bags is chic has bad taste. Fact. The song is so dire that I don’t care who Edgar is.

Total score = 2/20

  1. Albania – Albina & Famija/ Duje. Song 5/10, costume/performance 4/10. This song has been growing on me. Liking the shoulder pads, reminds of upholstery in a car I once rode in.

Total score = 9/20

  1. Lithuania – Monika Linkyte/ Stay. Song 1/10, costume/performance 1/10. Triple D rating. Dull song, dull outfit, dull staging.

Total score = 2/10

  1. Australia – Voyager/Promise. Song 7/10, costume/performance 8/10. Sparkly suits, a band playing, and a good song. They have a car on stage, I hope it’s there for a reason for it and something exciting will happen with it. Like flying over the audience in it, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style.

Total score 15/20

Therefore my 10 choices to go through to the final would be: Slovenia, Belgium, Australia, Romania, Albania, Denmark, Cyprus, Poland, Iceland, and San Marino.

Automatically through:

  1. France – La Zarra/ Evidemment. Song 6/10, costume/performance 5/10. What’s not to love about a 40-foot lady in a sparkly dress? OK, maybe it’s the dress that’s 40-foot high. Or 6 feet high, but that doesn’t sound so dramatic.

Total score = 11/20

  • Germany – Lord of the Lost/ Blood and Glitter. Song 4/10, costume/performance 8/10. I like a rock group but these are too shouty metal for me, fab outfits though.

Total score = 12/20

  • Italy – Marco Mengoni/ Due Vite. Song 5/10, costume/performance 3/10. His sparkly top gets points but his leather trousers deduct those points. Great voice though.

Total score = 8/20

  • Spain – Blanca Paloma/ Eaea. Song 3/10, costume/performance 3/10. Not for me, too waily.  Total score = 6/20
  • Ukraine – Tvorchi/ Heart of Steel. Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. Reminds me of Belgium’s entry last year. Nice costumes.

Total score = 10/20

  • UK – Mae Muller/ I Wrote a Song. Song 3/10, costume/performance 4/10. I’ve only seen a quick snippet of the rehearsal as it’s being kept secret but from what I saw I wasn’t worth hiding. I’m not a fan of the song.

Total score = 7/20

Overall, my top 5 are Belgium, Slovenia, Ireland, Australia, and Norway.

Things I Discovered in Malta.

Published February 15, 2023 by Naomi Rettig

It rains in Malta as well as in Wales.

Bus drivers are not friendly.

Bus drivers don’t even wave to each other when passing like Welsh ones do.

Car drivers toot a lot. Maybe their horn is connected to their brakes.

I don’t like artichokes.

Spa treatments aren’t for me.

There are no sea birds as the locals shoot them all. The sea without gulls is wrong and weird.

I said ‘Bonjus’ to all the cats I met in case they didn’t understand English hello.

The cacti growing wild have leaves bigger than my head.

I get over-excited seeing wild cacti.

People carve their names or initials into cactus leaves. Strange bad people.

Queueing is only something the British and Germans do.

Buses are frequent, but you need to channel your inner rugby player in the scrummage to get on.

Selfish people who turn up late for tours annoy me.

It’s really, really steep getting down to the boats for the Blue Grotto tour.

The Blue Grotto is the most beautiful blue sea.

Health and safety on boat trips in Malta are non-existent.

Stepping heavily into a small boat can make five people scream simultaneously.

The catacombs in Rabat disappointingly don’t have any bones there.

Mdina is beautiful and like being on a film set.

Twenty minutes on a tour of Mdina is not enough time there to soak it all up.

Pea pies are delicious.

It is very steep everywhere. I now have buttocks of steel.

The ratio of cats I saw in Malta is greater than in Jersey.

Shouting ‘that’s me’ and doing jazz hands at the driver waiting at the airport holding your name on a sign is guaranteed to freak him out.

Valetta is a picturesque city, that doesn’t feel like a city.

I’m easily hypnotised by watching the sea wash up jellyfish, then swish back to take them away again.

There is a lot of construction work on high-rise buildings in progress. I’m not sure that’s progress.

It’s a very cosmopolitan country with Arabic, Italian, English, and French influences.

Lots of people smoke there and the beach at Mellieha was littered with cigarette butts.

As a fat lady, I would have been a goddess in ancient Malta as there were hundreds of fat lady statues found in the temples.

There were two wild flamingos at the Ghadira nature reserve that had stopped off on route to Africa.

The national bird of Malta is the blue rock thrush. I never saw one.

While I enjoyed Malta, Jersey still has my heart.

(More detailed travel write-up to follow.)

Eurovision 2022 Review

Published April 1, 2022 by Naomi Rettig

I think it’s a given this year that Ukraine will win as people will be voting to show their support. Because everyone knows it’s a political popularity concert not a song contest. I’m not a fan of Ukraine’s song this year, I much preferred their entry last year from Go_A. There are many songs I don’t like this year, there are a lot of slow break up songs. With Covid and war going on I don’t want to listen to dreary sad songs, I’m wanting uplifting and bouncy songs I can trampoline to. Here are my scores for all 40 songs, in alphabetical country order.

Albania. Ronela Hajati – ‘Sekret’. Couldn’t take my eyes off her thighs, in a good way, in the video of her live performance. The song is forgettable for me though. The backing dancers are good, they have a matrix/game of thrones vibe. 3/10

Armenia. Rosa Linn – ‘Snap’. Catchy little tune. She has a lovely voice, this song grew on me with the more listens I had. 7/10

Australia. Sheldon Riley – ‘Not the Same’. I found the beaded curtain distracting over his face, it reminded me of Prince in his Symbol era. Finger jewellery was great. Raincoat dress was different. A great voice but the song was dreary. 2/10

Austria. LUM!X ft Pia Maria – ‘Halo’. Bouncy and dancy. This was a grower for me. Fabulous to trampoline to.  8/10

Azerbaijan. Nadir Rustamli – ‘Fade to Black’. Dreary song about a love break up. 2/10.

Belgium. Jeremie Makiese – ‘Miss You’. He has a fabulous voice that makes my spine pulsate and this song is another grower for me. 7/10

Bulgaria. Intelligent Music Project – ‘Intention’. Hooray a rock band. Soft rock. Not as great as I wanted it to be though, a little bit forgettable. Great guitar solo. 6/10

Croatia. Mia Dimsic – ‘Guilty Pleasure’. Nice voice but not a guilty pleasure for me. Distracted by the dancer with excellent core strength. 4/10

Cyprus. Andromache – ‘Ela’. Unremarkable. 2/10.

Czech Republic. We Are Domi – ‘Lights Off’. Catchy Song and dancy. Distracted by the guitarist playing his guitar with a cello bow and the keyboard player in dungarees looking like he’s just off from a fishing trip. Good trampolining song. 8/10.

Denmark. Reddi – ‘The Show’. Denmark’s Bonnie Tyler taking the lead I think. Good band but the song is not for me. 6/10

Estonia. Stefan – ‘Hope’. Wagon’s roll! This song makes me want to ride a horse in the wild west, and I’m allergic to them. I ‘hope’ this makes it to the final. Good for trampolining to, managed to trot and canter to it. 8/10

Finland. The Rasmus – ‘Jezebel’. Disappointed with the song, it might be a grower with a few more listens. 6/10

France. Alvan and Ahez – ‘Fulenn’. Not what I was expecting from France. Middle eastern hypno-trance? Not my cup of tea. 3/10.

Georgia. Circus Mircus – ‘Lock Me In’. Funky guitars, fun, and groovy. No video available so I haven’t seen them performing so it will be interesting to see them on stage. This morphed from ‘what the..’ to ‘ooh cool’ with a few listens. 8/10.

Germany. Malik Harris – ‘Rockstars’. Not a tune for me, quite wishy-washy and unforgettable. Bring back Jendrik from last year.  2/10

Greece. Amanda Giorgiardi Tenfjord – ‘Die Together’. What a depressing sentiment. ‘If we die together now we will always have each other’. No thanks, I’ll pass. 1/10

Iceland. Systur –‘Med Haekkandi Sol’ – Icelandic cowgirls. Gentle and melodic but not memorable for me. Too slow for trampolining.  3/10

Ireland. Brooke – ‘That’s Rich’. That’s poor actually. Not one of Irelands best entries in my opinion. Dancy but not great. I originally gave this a 3/10 but it upgraded the mark due to good trampolining ability. 4/10

Israel. Michael Ben David – ‘I.M’. He has a great voice, a great look, and I can’t wait to see the staging for this. Song is growing on me. It gives me vibes of The Roop. 7/10.

Italy. Mahmood and Blanco – ‘Brividi’. Dreary love song. 2/10

Latvia. Citi Zeni – ‘Eat your salad’. Wow! Very tongue-in-cheek, fun, and crazy. With lines like ‘bend over and jiggle that peach’, ‘forget the hotdogs my sausage is bigger’, and ‘if you want you man’s tongue longer than a gecko’s’ I can see this being a marmite song. I’m on the loving it side. I can’t take my eyes off the sexy saxophone players white trousers. I didn’t realise I liked men in tight white trousers. Apparently I do. Funky. 9/10

Lithuania. Monika Liu – ‘Sentimentai’. I thought this was the French entry on first hearing his. I’m hypnotised by her sparkly dress. I like it but not greatly. 5/10

Malta. Emma Muscat – ‘I Am What I Am’. I like the sentiment but not the song so much. Nice but doesn’t stick in my head. 5/10

Moldova. Zdob si Zdub and Fratii Advahov – ‘Trenuletul’. Mental. I love Moldavian entries. Hats off to them performing a song about a train journey. It’s a jolly number. They’ve obviously never been on Arriva Trains Wales. Great fun to trampoline to. 7/10

Montenegro. Vladana – ‘Breathe’. I was tempted to stop. Too dreary for me. 2/10

Netherlands. S10 – ‘De Diept’. Another song about a break up. Not for me. Too glum. 2/10

North Macedonia. Andrea – ‘Circles’. The circles under my eyes got darker listening to this. Dreary. 2/10

Norway. Subwoolfer – ‘Give that wolf a banana’. Amazing. My winner. They are dressed as yellow wolves singing about bananas, what could be better?! (Tigers singing about pineapples.) I find myself shouting ‘someone give that wolf a banana’ at inappropriate times. And yes, I have tried to do the dance but I haven’t mastered it yet. It’s even more tricky on a trampoline, there’s been a few near miss incidents in my bedroom. Trampoline wise. 10/10

Poland. Ochman – ‘River’. Depressing. A song about dying and suicide. No I don’t want to take myself off to the river to die, but if I listened to this on repeat I might change my mind.  1/10

Portugal. Maro – ‘Saudade’. Jeez, another break up song. Yawn. 1/10.

Romania. WRS – ‘llamame’. Up tempo, not too bad. I was disappointed I was pronouncing the title wrong and it wasn’t llama me. No one came out dressed up as a llama. 5/10

San Marino. Achille Lauro – ‘Stripper’. After lusting after Damiano last year I seem to be spotting a trend of lusting after young thin Italian men who wear make-up, have tattoos and wear black nail polish. That aside, I love this song 10/10. And that’s for the song not Achille, honest.

Serbia. Konstrakta – ‘In Corpore Sano’. Jeez. Lockdown was obviously hard on some people. She starts off singing about Megan Markle’s hair, then proceeds to lecture about health, while washing her hands constantly on stage. May be triggering for those with O.C.D. It made me want to go wash my hands. Or the dishes to avoid listening anymore. 1/10

Slovenia. Lps – ‘Disko’. A young band who look about twelve years old. They’re probably not. I’m just old. Inoffensive disco number (although I will spell it ‘disko’ from now on) I felt transported back to the seventies and that I should be sailing on The Love Boat. 6/10

Spain. Chanel – ‘SloMo’. Very twerky. I couldn’t take my eyes of her booty and thighs. Upbeat song. Not bad for trampolining to.  6/10.

Sweden. Cornelia Jakobs – ‘Hold me closer’. Another break up song. Sigh. 2/10

Switzerland. Marius Bear – ‘Boys Do Cry’. So do fifty-year-old women listening to this, and not in a good way. Snoozeville. 3/10

Ukraine. Kalush Orchestra – ‘Stefania’. Folk rap. Not my cup of tea. But as said previously I think it will win. 2/10.

United Kingdom. Sam Ryder – ‘Space Man’. I thought it was Matthew Wolfenden from Emmerdale at first. He has a good voice and the song grew on me. Awed by his vocal range. I try to hit those high notes while singing along. There are three dogs in my back garden who answered my call. Someone snap him up for a shampoo advert too, he’s worth it. We will of course come last. 7/10.

Fifty Things To Do Before I’m Fifty. (453 days to go.)

Published November 4, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

  1. Master a yoga pose. This may take the full 453 days. I’m not very balanced or graceful.
  2. Dye my hair blue. I’ve had pink, purple, red and black, but have always fancied having blue hair.
  3. Hold a séance with a Ouija board. I made my own board when I was fourteen, out of cardboard with felt tip pens. I’d like to attempt to communicate with the dead in a more professional manner.
  4. Visit the Tower of London. I’ve been to London heaps of times but have never been into the tower, only walked around the outside of it.
  5. Watch The Lion King. I have never watched this. I feel that I should as I use the phrase Hakuna Matata quite a lot.
  6. Read ‘Salem’s Lot’ by Stephen King. The TV adaptation with David Soul scared me silly when I was a small child so I’d like to read the book.
  7. Try Jackfruit. Very trendy among vegan cuisine but I’ve never tried it as I don’t think I’d like it. No basis for that thought whatsoever.
  8. Crochet something recognisable. I’ve often fantasized about crocheting a whole set of zoo animals but I think this is beyond my capabilities so I would settle for crocheting something simple. Like a scarf. Or a blanket for Neville.
  9. Invent and draw a cartoon character. Pretty self-explanatory.
  10. Eat a fresh fig. I’ve never tried a fresh fig before.
  11. Swim in the sea. I haven’t swum in the sea since I saw ‘Jaws’ as a child and have an irrational fear of being eaten by a shark. I will maybe leave this until the end of the list in case it’s not so irrational after all.
  12. Paint a self-portrait. I can’t draw or paint people at all but I’d like to have a go at a self-portrait. It may be abstract.
  13. Hug 50 trees. Not necessarily in one hit, over the duration of my time left, taking a selfie with each one to document the numbers.
  14. Spend the night in a haunted building. House, pub, hotel, known to be haunted or looks like it could be!
  15. Try okra. I’ve never tried okra, always wanted to.
  16. Meet up with old friends. Time passes so quickly and I’d like to catch up with friends I haven’t seen for ages.
  17. Meet up with new friends. I have made lots of friends in the virtual world throughout the pandemic, and before, and it would be fabulous to meet up to say hello in physical life too.
  18. Visit Guernsey. Jersey is my favourite Channel Island, but I need to visit Guernsey to either confirm this or move my allegiance!
  19. Attend my graduation ceremony. My graduation for my Batchelors degree was cancelled due to covid19. I will hopefully be completing my Masters degree this year and pandemic permitting I can have my graduation ceremony for that.
  20. Learn to tie different knots. I can tie a knot, but I can’t tie fancy knots. I don’t even know what a reef knot is.
  21. Visit Cardiff castle. Lived in Barry, worked in Cardiff but I’ve never been inside Cardiff castle!
  22. Visit New York City. I was due to be there on holiday now, I would like to visit before my 50th  if and when the pandemic allows.
  23. Try samphire. It looks like salty grass. I’d like to confirm this in taste.
  24. Write 50 thank you letters to people who have had a positive effect on my life. I don’t tell people enough how much my life is a better place for having them in it. I say it in my head but as most people aren’t telepathic I’ll let them know in letter form.
  25. Watch a sunrise while sat on a beach. I’ve watched a sunrise before but from a hotel balcony, then got straight back into bed, and on buses when having to travel early. I’d like to watch one sat on a beach.
  26. Walk up to the top of the Kymin Hill. I haven’t done this for about fifteen years.
  27. Learn 50 foreign phrases. Not the same phrase, different phrases in different languages.
  28. Paddle in a river. I haven’t paddled in a river since I was little.
  29. Visit Tintern Abbey. It’s only down the road from me but I’ve never walked around it, only seen it from the outside.
  30. Trampoline for a whole hour. Self-explanatory. I did my usual 20 minutes this morning, today was not the day.
  31. Make a sculpture out of baubles. Glue, glitter and gaudy baubles, what’s not to love.
  32. Wear something I wouldn’t normally wear. Either a colour or a style that’s not my usual ‘me’.
  33. Send a message in a bottle. I always wanted to send a message in a bottle but being environmentally aware now I don’t want to throw a bottle into the ocean. Instead I’ll write a message in a mini time capsule and hide it in a tree or in the ground when on my travels.
  34. Try a Sharon fruit. Never tried one, always jealous there isn’t a Naomi fruit. Maybe if I try the Sharon fruit and it’s not nice that jealously will ebb away.
  35. Watch Lord of the Rings. I have never watched LOTR or read the book. I know there are elves and creatures with big feet but feel I should know more.
  36. Adopt an animal at Jersey Zoo. I always visit the zoo when I’m in Jersey as they do great conservation work so I feel I should give more back to them. And I want to be able to say I’m mum to a fruit bat.
  37. Plant something, grow it, and eat it. I used to plant apple pips when I was little, but when apples didn’t appear after a week I’d get bored and lose interest. I’d like to plant some vegetable, tend it, watch it grow, then eat it. Although that sounds quite mercenary.
  38. Try a persimmon. Never tried one.
  39. Keep writing in my gratitude journal. Writing my gratitude’s for the day helps me appreciate how blessed I am. I want to keep this habit up to keep my serenity.
  40. Buy myself flowers once a month. Because I’m worth it. I want to learn to love myself more and be kinder to myself.
  41. Visit Puzzle Wood. Haven’t been since I was a child.
  42. Write a letter to my 60 year old self. A letter to be opened in 10 years-time by me (if still alive) detailing all my hopes and dreams for the next decade.
  43. Try a pomelo. Again, never tried one.
  44. Document my trampoline jogging styles. With photographs, not video. The world isn’t ready for that in depth documentation. (I’m still searching for the best supportive bra.)
  45. Watch the new Star Wars films. I have only watched the original films, but after visiting Walt Disney World and wandering around Star Wars land I feel I should give the new films a try.
  46. Feed alpacas. There is an alpaca farm not too far away from me that do meet and greets with the alpacas, when not in a pandemic. I think that would be cool.
  47. Nurture and not kill a bonsai tree or mini orange tree. My mum is the green fingered person in the family but I’d like to see if I can keep green things alive. I like the daintiness of a bonsai and I love seeing miniature oranges on house plants. I might go crazy and do both.
  48. Update my funeral plans. I’ve had my funeral plan written out since I was fourteen. I’ve updated it a couple of times but it needs to be brought up to date as I have chosen a new funeral song and I don’t want to be wheeled in to the wrong song.
  49. Write a book of my dreams. I jot down my random dreams on Facebook and in notebooks but want to compile them all together. Last night I was being kept bound in a cage by Pepe Le Pew and was force fed whole avocados. It wasn’t pleasant.
  50. Cook a globe artichoke. My autocorrect wanted to change that to architect. I don’t want to cook an architect. I love the look of a globe artichoke but have never eaten one or cooked with one.

Lockdown

Published April 13, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

Day 21
I don’t know why I’m writing this and I don’t know who I think will read it but I feel I must write something down in case something happens to me. I’m scared. Maybe I’ll be less scared if I keep a journal, I might read it back and say ‘Kelly you’re just being silly’. I have about thirty minutes a day to myself while he has a bath so I’ll write then.
This lockdown is making everyone stir crazy so I can’t blame him for what he does. It’s being stuck in here with me day after day, that’s enough to test the patience of anyone he says. I’ll hide this little notebook in the drawer with my sanitary towels, he never searches through that as he thinks it’s disgusting. I wish he wouldn’t say that. I wish we could be the way we used to be, at the start. I love him.

Day 22
He hit my face today. He’s never done that before. I guess with me not going out he’s not worried about anyone seeing the bruises. It’s always been my legs, stomach, back and arms, but today it feels like the first time. He loves me and he’s sorry. He’s always sorry. He says I make him hurt me. I wish I could make him happy. I’m frightened. I love him.

Day 23
More hits to my face today. I feel ashamed. I looked in the mirror and I felt ashamed. I’m trying my best but I don’t understand what I did wrong today. He said I looked ugly and I’d let myself go so maybe that’s why he was upset with me. My ribs are hurting too. I feel sick and don’t feel like eating. I’ll cook a roast tomorrow, he loves a roast dinner. I love him.

Day 24
The dinner wasn’t hot enough today so I had to eat mine off the floor, even though I wasn’t hungry. It was difficult to swallow it down with his foot on the back of my neck and while I was crying. I tried to stop crying as this just made him madder but I couldn’t. I try my best to be a good wife but I don’t know what to do. I cried when he made love to me. I love him.

Day 25
I’ve got cystitis. He couldn’t go to the chemist as there are too many sick people out there and I’d be endangering him so I asked if he could order something online but he told me that would be a waste of money. I complain too much. I didn’t want sex this morning but I didn’t complain. I love him.

Day 26
I don’t recognise myself. He shaved my head. There was a hair in his food so he shaved my head. I have black and bloodshot eyes, and no hair. I look disgusting. He’s right, no one else would want me. I don’t know what to do. I nearly phoned his mum but when I called her in September she told me that he was my husband and what did I expect. She would say the same now. I’m scared but I love him.

Day 27
I don’t think I can take much more, I can’t even bare to write down what he did to me last night. How can he love me and do that? I don’t know what to do. His family won’t help me, I’m not allowed to leave during this quarantine and even if I was I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I haven’t spoken to my friends or family in so long, I wouldn’t know what to say. He says they all hate me anyway. I don’t want to cause problems for anyone else. I’m a disappointment to everyone. I’m going to try and search on his laptop for a refuge or someone I can talk to. I’ve got the landline but I don’t know any numbers, only 999 but it’s not an emergency. I don’t want to cause a fuss. I’ll wait for him to have his bath tomorrow and I’ll find a number. I’ll get help.

Day 29
Can hardly write. Think hands broken. Forgot to delete history. Made him so angry. Chest hurts. Everything hurts. Can’t see left eye. Phone ripped out. Laptop smashed up with my head. Got to get out. He’ll kill me if I stay. I’ll leave tomorrow bath time. Don’t know where. Need sleep now. Maybe I deserve this. Need help. He needs help. I love him. Why?

*****

(According to the Office of National Statistics about 4.2% of men and 7.9% of women suffered domestic abuse in England and Wales during 2018. This equates to about 685,000 male victims and 1,300,000 women. Murders related to domestic violence are at a five year high.
One in four women and one in six men will be affected by domestic abuse during their lives. On average 104 women and 30 men are murdered every year in England and Wales due to domestic violence.
On average domestic abuse victims will have been assaulted 68 times before reporting it to the police.)

National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Men’s Advice Line 0808 801 0327

Eurovision. My Top Three.

Published May 11, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. Iceland. Hatati, Hatrid mun sigra.
Mattius has the perfectly chiselled features of an angel, with the voice of a hellhound chewing razor blades. If the Kurgan from Highlander was singing, this is what he’d sound like. I love this but I think this song is a Marmite song, love it or hate it but no bland on the fence opinion. If you don’t like a shouty vocal the song is available to download as the karaoke version, just the music and Klemens singing the higher chorus. Their stage outfits are outrageously fabulous. Cyber punk bondage. This has outraged a few people, which quite frankly is ridiculous, how can you be outraged by the human body in wipe clean PVC. I think the staging would work better with more nudity myself!

2. Azerbaijan. Chingiz, Truth.
This is a catchy pop tune that stays in my head long after hearing it, in a good way. Great vocals, and a great video (even though I’m not judging it on that). It makes me shimmy (in private) and I’m now often singing part of the chorus ‘just shut up about it’ in my head when people annoy me. That’s quite a lot.

3. Norway. Keiino, Spirit in the Sky.
The three singers’ voices compliment each other well. When I sing and dance the routine myself I play all three roles, and while I love being Alexandra and Tom it’s when I’m singing and dancing to Fred’s bits that I’m my most bouncy. It’s fun, uplifting, and full of energy. Keiino performing it that is, not me.

Other songs I like that didn’t quite make my top three are San Marino, Switzerland, Australia, Finland, Cyprus, Estonia, and Spain. But they made it to my top ten. Bring on Eurovision!

Suggestions for my Doctor’s surgery suggestion box

Published February 17, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

Sat waiting for my diabetic review at the doctors, and waiting, and waiting, I spot their suggestion box. So after nearly an hour past my appointment time I thought I’d amuse myself. The following is what will greet the practice manager when she opens the suggestion box.

1. The waiting room needs to be renamed ‘The Executive Lounge’ for starters. Calling it the waiting room is setting the scene for misery and gloom and low expectations. It would be more uplifting to be told ‘take a seat in the executive lounge’ when you check in.

2. When using the self-service check in system it can leave an anxious patient anxious when they sit down, wondering if they completed all the stages correctly. I suggest the machine be programmed with a fanfare to be played loudly if completed correctly. Maybe a burst of confetti for the 100th correct user.

3. The waiting room/executive lounge can get quite tedious when waiting for any length of time. Even though your information slides are informative they are mind numbingly boring on repeat for an hour. I realise a TV licence is an extravagant expense, and fraught with its own problems (I might want to watch This Morning, another patient might prefer Homes Under the Hammer) so how about hiring out mini DVD players with headphones for a small fee. You could profit from patients’ boredom and patients would be less cranky if kept waiting. If not DVD players, then how about just headphones for hire with a selection of music. Patients could have their own little silent discos or classical calm. Music therapy. The headphones could vibrate when the patient is called through, but if I’m jiggling to a bouncy track I would leave them on while sashaying along the corridor.

4. Heated flooring in the nurse’s rooms would be lovely. When you have to take your shoes and socks off for diabetic foot testing it can be a bit chilly in winter. This isn’t a diva request, I have dainty, delicate, size 9, diabetic feet. If this is too much expense a fluffy bath mat could be a substitute.

5. Waiting in the executive lounge would be improved with food and drink. I would like coffee but some of the other patients I saw I wouldn’t trust with a hot beverage, so I think you’d have to play it safe with a water cooler. Food wise it would have to be something healthy too, yawn, so maybe fruit and nuts. Maybe just fruit as too many people have nut allergies these days. Actually, scrap this suggestion as an apple and a glass of water sounds too much like a minimalist still life set up.

6. Thinking of painting, a little bit of art therapy in the executive lounge would be good while people wait. But again, having seen a lot of the other patients I wouldn’t trust them with crayons let alone squidgy paint.

7. Lava lamps. Calming and therapeutic. I suggest you have a plethora of lava lamps placed around the executive lounge. The other surgery in town has a fish tank which is calming to watch, except when children tap on the glass, that increases anxiety, of the fish and myself. Thus, lava lamps would be a good distraction for anxious patients, inquisitive children, and people who like watching blobs bob up and down.

I hope these suggestions help.

Leap

Published February 17, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

Sat against this rock I am hidden from the world. Invisible and insignificant.

Facing outwards, I hear the ocean caressing the rocks further below me, I see the lit lighthouse standing proud, alone but confident, defiant against the blackness of the unknown ocean stretching ahead of it.

Facing inland I see couples illuminated by candlelight through the restaurant picture windows, laughing, smiling, touching. I don’t know which I’m more envious of, the people exchanging loving looks, or the ocean full of freedom and hypnotic hope.

I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone to look lovingly at me, to be their whole world in that moment and moments more. I am not worthy of another’s love. Even I don’t love myself so how can I expect it from another. No one could find me special, wonderful, their guiding light. I will never be someone’s lighthouse, someone’s restaurant gazer.

I will be the lone rock sitter, the solo sea starer, the self-placed exile. I long to be with someone special, as much as I long to leap into the ocean, to float away from pain. Maybe I should take that leap, find the lighthouse for me.

Why am I so scared of sitting in that window? The remote sea seems less terrifying to me. I have a blackness within, it spreads and dims my vision. It smothers my clarity at times. At times I don’t know if I’ll leap when my dark secret self swirls deep. The sea speaks to me, it says listen to me, follow me, join me, stay with me.

I close my eyes as wind joins waves in beautiful orchestral crescendos.

Inhaling salted air, I breathe life into me.

Today is not a leap day.

Reasons to be my Valentine

Published February 14, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. I’d give you my last Rolo. From a multipack. After I’d licked it.

2. No need for a hot water bottle at night. I’m hot. Temperature wise. (This perk is not so perky in the summer months.)

3. I’m not a fussy eater, so you can take me anywhere. But not a steakhouse or a sushi bar. Or a Nandos.

4. I can write you poetry or write you into a story as the hero. But if you annoy me, I will kill you off, fictionally.

5. I make excellent tiramisu.

6. I’m not a good dancer, so you will look fabulous if dancing with me.

7. I can’t run fast. This isn’t a negative point, if we are being chased by zombies or muggers then I will get caught first enabling you to escape.

8. I’m an excellent organiser. Your future holidays will be planned with military precision allowing you to merely relax and enjoy yourself. When scheduled to.

9. I’m a vegetarian so I’m cheap to feed. Although any money saved on meat will probably be reallocated to chocolate or marzipan.

10. I don’t get scared at horror films so can look after you if you do. But I will probably hide behind a door to scare you if you take a trip to the toilet.

11. As a non-drinker I can be your designated driver. Oh, if I could drive that is. But I can still look after you and make sure you get home safe. And draw on your face and take photos.

12. I will take a bullet for you. Not such a grand gesture, having depression I’d take a bullet for anyone. But it’s still a perk worth considering.

13. I give great cuddles. My extra fat layers give added squish. It’s like cuddling the Ghostbusters Stay Puft marshmallow man. But less sticky.

14. You can watch me dancing in my fringed swimsuit to Eurovision. This is a special V.I.P part of the package, never been seen by anyone before. (After seeing once you have the option to opt out of further shows.)

15. You get unfiltered access to my brain. (Again, you do have the option to opt out of this perk.)