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Eurovision 2023 View – Pleather, Sparkles, and Dangerously Long Nails.

Published May 8, 2023 by Naomi Rettig

Semi Final 1 (Tuesday 9^th)

Norway – Alessandra/ Queen of Kings. Song 6/10, costume/performance 7/10. What’s not to like about a green velvet corset and lightsabres (or air traffic control wands).

Total score = 13/20

Malta – The Busker/ Dance (Our Own Party). Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. Starting with jumpers, circa 1980 C&A style, I was worried about them overheating but then they remove said jumpers to reveal sparkly jumpers! Doubly worried about them overheating now. But I like the sparkly jumpers. And I like a saxophone at Eurovision. Points for sparkliness and a costume change.

Total score = 10/20

Serbia – Luke Black/ Samo mi se spava. Song 2/10, costume/performance 4/10 for weirdness value. New romantic style man emerging from a giant vagina who then activates gas masked people to dance. No, not a cheese dream, this happened in the real rehearsal.

Total score = 6/20

Latvia – Sudden Lights/ Aija. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. Bland song, bland ill-fitting suit, bland staging. Will probably appeal to Coldplay fans.

Total score = 4/20

Portugal – Mimicat/Ai Coracao. Song 1/10, costume/staging 2/10. The red feather dress will be a nightmare for stagehands, shedding feathers everywhere.

Total score= 3/20

Ireland – Wild Youth/ We Are One. Song 7/10, costume/performance 8/10. Lead singer looks like a young Daniel O’Donnell disguised as an Oscar statuette.

Total score = 15/20

Croatia – Let 3/ Mama SC. Song1/10, costume/performance 4/10. If you ever wondered what dictators in drag would look like, here you go. And I think, from a sneak peek at rehearsals, they will strip to their underwear. I’m not looking forward to that.

Total score = 5/20

Switzerland – Remo Forrer/ Watergun. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. A see through jacket and plastic trousers don’t excite me.

Total score = 4/10

Israel – Noa Kirel/Unicorn. Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. An impressive gymnastic performance by the singer.

Total score = 10/20

Moldova – Pasha Parfeni/ Soarele si luna. Song 5/10, costume/performance 8/10. Fringing (which I love), a midget/dwarf/vertically challenged person/whatever is PC to say playing a flute, extreme horn headwear on backing singers. All ticks for me.

Total score = 13/20

Sweden – Loreen/Tattoo. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. Weird beige Mad Max outfit going on but I’m more distracted by her Freddy Kruger nails. How does she manage in the toilet? How is this the favourite to win?

Total score = 4/20

Azerbaijan – TuralTuranX/ Tell Me More. Song 3/10, costume/performance 3/10. Co-ordinating outfits from the 70’s. We had wallpaper like their scarves when I was little. I’m concerned their scarves kept getting in the way of their guitars.

Total score = 6/20

Czechia – Vesna/ My Sisters Crown. Song 1/10, costume/performance 2/10. Rapping Rapunzels aren’t for me.

Total score = 3/10

Netherlands – Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper/ Burning Daylight. Song 1/10, costume/Performance 1/10. Dull song, dull costumes, even putting them on a revolving platform doesn’t make it any more exciting. Unless someone speeds it up and they fall off. Total score = 2/20
Finland – Kaarija/ Cha Cha Cha. Song 2/10, costume/performance 8/10. Wow. I imagine this is what it’s like to experience taking PCP. Song is too aggressive and shouty for me, but the staging is entertaining. Anyone who dresses with giant pea pod arms and feels confident in rubber spiky trousers deserves points.

Total score = 10/20

Therefore my 10 choices to get selected to go through to the final would be: Ireland, Norway, Moldova, Malta, Israel, Finland, Serbia, Azerbaijan, and Croatia.

Semi Final 2 (Thursday 11^th May)

Denmark – Reiley/ Breaking My Heart. Song 4/10, costume/performance 5/10. Teeny bopper tune, sweet and inoffensive.

Total score = 9/20

Armenia – Brunette/Future Lover. Song 2/10, costume/performance 2/10. They say blondes have more fun, this Brunette is certainly not fun.

Total score = 4/20

Romania – Theodor Andrei/ DGT. Song 5/10, costume/performance 6/10. I don’t like men in ‘smart’ shorts, but Theodor pulls this look off for me, I do find his glasses to be akin to serial killer 70’s glasses. I think that’s just me though.

Total score = 11/20

Estonia – Alika/ Bridges. Song 3/10, costume/performance 2/10. Too much floaty material trailing behind, like when you get toilet paper stuck in your pants. And weird arm straps flapping, like an undone straight jacket.

Total score = 5/20

Belgium – Gustaph/ Because of You. Song 8/10, Costume/performance 7/10. I love the dancey song, and I’m mesmerised by his trousers as my brain can’t work out what style they are supposed to be.

Total score = 15/20

Cyprus – Andrew Lambrou/ Break a Broken Heart. Song 6/10, costume/performance 3/10. This song has grown on me, I like his voice, but the staging is too simple for me.

Total score = 9/20

Iceland – Dilja/ Power. Song 4/10, costume/performance 3/10. The silver pleather suit doesn’t appeal to me, and the tiny turntable doesn’t make the performance exciting. Unless it malfunctions.

Total score = 7/20

Greece – Victor Vernicos/ What They Say. Song 2/10, costume/performance 1/10. Beige shorts and top combo looks like he’s going on safari not to Eurovision. Beige song too.

Total score = 3/20

Poland – Blanka/ Solo. Song 3/10, costume/performance 5/10. A costume change with a sparkly outfit ticks my boxes.

Total score = 8/20

Slovenia – Joker Out/ Carpe Diem. Song 8/10, costume/performance 7/10. Great song to jiggle along to, and I’m loving the pink silk trouser and floral shirt combo. I do like a band playing all their instruments on the Eurovision stage.

Total score = 15/20

Georgia – Iru/Echo. Song 3/10, costume/performance 2/10. Performance points mainly for the fact she has a wind machine.

Total score = 5/20

San Mariano – Piqued Jacks/ Like an Animal. Song 2/10, costume/performance 3/10. Sparkly shoulder pads and their own band playing elevated the performance points.

Total score = 5/10

Austria – Teya & Salena/Who the Hell is Edgar? Song 1/10, costume/performance 1/10. Anyone who thinks dressing in bin bags is chic has bad taste. Fact. The song is so dire that I don’t care who Edgar is.

Total score = 2/20

Albania – Albina & Famija/ Duje. Song 5/10, costume/performance 4/10. This song has been growing on me. Liking the shoulder pads, reminds of upholstery in a car I once rode in.

Total score = 9/20

Lithuania – Monika Linkyte/ Stay. Song 1/10, costume/performance 1/10. Triple D rating. Dull song, dull outfit, dull staging.

Total score = 2/10

Australia – Voyager/Promise. Song 7/10, costume/performance 8/10. Sparkly suits, a band playing, and a good song. They have a car on stage, I hope it’s there for a reason for it and something exciting will happen with it. Like flying over the audience in it, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style.

Total score 15/20

Therefore my 10 choices to go through to the final would be: Slovenia, Belgium, Australia, Romania, Albania, Denmark, Cyprus, Poland, Iceland, and San Marino.

Automatically through:

France – La Zarra/ Evidemment. Song 6/10, costume/performance 5/10. What’s not to love about a 40-foot lady in a sparkly dress? OK, maybe it’s the dress that’s 40-foot high. Or 6 feet high, but that doesn’t sound so dramatic.

Total score = 11/20

Germany – Lord of the Lost/ Blood and Glitter. Song 4/10, costume/performance 8/10. I like a rock group but these are too shouty metal for me, fab outfits though.

Total score = 12/20

Italy – Marco Mengoni/ Due Vite. Song 5/10, costume/performance 3/10. His sparkly top gets points but his leather trousers deduct those points. Great voice though.

Total score = 8/20

Spain – Blanca Paloma/ Eaea. Song 3/10, costume/performance 3/10. Not for me, too waily. Total score = 6/20
Ukraine – Tvorchi/ Heart of Steel. Song 4/10, costume/performance 6/10. Reminds me of Belgium’s entry last year. Nice costumes.

Total score = 10/20

UK – Mae Muller/ I Wrote a Song. Song 3/10, costume/performance 4/10. I’ve only seen a quick snippet of the rehearsal as it’s being kept secret but from what I saw I wasn’t worth hiding. I’m not a fan of the song.

Total score = 7/20

Overall, my top 5 are Belgium, Slovenia, Ireland, Australia, and Norway.

Eurovision 2022 Review

Published April 1, 2022 by Naomi Rettig

I think it’s a given this year that Ukraine will win as people will be voting to show their support. Because everyone knows it’s a political popularity concert not a song contest. I’m not a fan of Ukraine’s song this year, I much preferred their entry last year from Go_A. There are many songs I don’t like this year, there are a lot of slow break up songs. With Covid and war going on I don’t want to listen to dreary sad songs, I’m wanting uplifting and bouncy songs I can trampoline to. Here are my scores for all 40 songs, in alphabetical country order.

Albania. Ronela Hajati – ‘Sekret’. Couldn’t take my eyes off her thighs, in a good way, in the video of her live performance. The song is forgettable for me though. The backing dancers are good, they have a matrix/game of thrones vibe. 3/10

Armenia. Rosa Linn – ‘Snap’. Catchy little tune. She has a lovely voice, this song grew on me with the more listens I had. 7/10

Australia. Sheldon Riley – ‘Not the Same’. I found the beaded curtain distracting over his face, it reminded me of Prince in his Symbol era. Finger jewellery was great. Raincoat dress was different. A great voice but the song was dreary. 2/10

Austria. LUM!X ft Pia Maria – ‘Halo’. Bouncy and dancy. This was a grower for me. Fabulous to trampoline to. 8/10

Azerbaijan. Nadir Rustamli – ‘Fade to Black’. Dreary song about a love break up. 2/10.

Belgium. Jeremie Makiese – ‘Miss You’. He has a fabulous voice that makes my spine pulsate and this song is another grower for me. 7/10

Bulgaria. Intelligent Music Project – ‘Intention’. Hooray a rock band. Soft rock. Not as great as I wanted it to be though, a little bit forgettable. Great guitar solo. 6/10

Croatia. Mia Dimsic – ‘Guilty Pleasure’. Nice voice but not a guilty pleasure for me. Distracted by the dancer with excellent core strength. 4/10

Cyprus. Andromache – ‘Ela’. Unremarkable. 2/10.

Czech Republic. We Are Domi – ‘Lights Off’. Catchy Song and dancy. Distracted by the guitarist playing his guitar with a cello bow and the keyboard player in dungarees looking like he’s just off from a fishing trip. Good trampolining song. 8/10.

Denmark. Reddi – ‘The Show’. Denmark’s Bonnie Tyler taking the lead I think. Good band but the song is not for me. 6/10

Estonia. Stefan – ‘Hope’. Wagon’s roll! This song makes me want to ride a horse in the wild west, and I’m allergic to them. I ‘hope’ this makes it to the final. Good for trampolining to, managed to trot and canter to it. 8/10

Finland. The Rasmus – ‘Jezebel’. Disappointed with the song, it might be a grower with a few more listens. 6/10

France. Alvan and Ahez – ‘Fulenn’. Not what I was expecting from France. Middle eastern hypno-trance? Not my cup of tea. 3/10.

Georgia. Circus Mircus – ‘Lock Me In’. Funky guitars, fun, and groovy. No video available so I haven’t seen them performing so it will be interesting to see them on stage. This morphed from ‘what the..’ to ‘ooh cool’ with a few listens. 8/10.

Germany. Malik Harris – ‘Rockstars’. Not a tune for me, quite wishy-washy and unforgettable. Bring back Jendrik from last year. 2/10

Greece. Amanda Giorgiardi Tenfjord – ‘Die Together’. What a depressing sentiment. ‘If we die together now we will always have each other’. No thanks, I’ll pass. 1/10

Iceland. Systur –‘Med Haekkandi Sol’ – Icelandic cowgirls. Gentle and melodic but not memorable for me. Too slow for trampolining. 3/10

Ireland. Brooke – ‘That’s Rich’. That’s poor actually. Not one of Irelands best entries in my opinion. Dancy but not great. I originally gave this a 3/10 but it upgraded the mark due to good trampolining ability. 4/10

Israel. Michael Ben David – ‘I.M’. He has a great voice, a great look, and I can’t wait to see the staging for this. Song is growing on me. It gives me vibes of The Roop. 7/10.

Italy. Mahmood and Blanco – ‘Brividi’. Dreary love song. 2/10

Latvia. Citi Zeni – ‘Eat your salad’. Wow! Very tongue-in-cheek, fun, and crazy. With lines like ‘bend over and jiggle that peach’, ‘forget the hotdogs my sausage is bigger’, and ‘if you want you man’s tongue longer than a gecko’s’ I can see this being a marmite song. I’m on the loving it side. I can’t take my eyes off the sexy saxophone players white trousers. I didn’t realise I liked men in tight white trousers. Apparently I do. Funky. 9/10

Lithuania. Monika Liu – ‘Sentimentai’. I thought this was the French entry on first hearing his. I’m hypnotised by her sparkly dress. I like it but not greatly. 5/10

Malta. Emma Muscat – ‘I Am What I Am’. I like the sentiment but not the song so much. Nice but doesn’t stick in my head. 5/10

Moldova. Zdob si Zdub and Fratii Advahov – ‘Trenuletul’. Mental. I love Moldavian entries. Hats off to them performing a song about a train journey. It’s a jolly number. They’ve obviously never been on Arriva Trains Wales. Great fun to trampoline to. 7/10

Montenegro. Vladana – ‘Breathe’. I was tempted to stop. Too dreary for me. 2/10

Netherlands. S10 – ‘De Diept’. Another song about a break up. Not for me. Too glum. 2/10

North Macedonia. Andrea – ‘Circles’. The circles under my eyes got darker listening to this. Dreary. 2/10

Norway. Subwoolfer – ‘Give that wolf a banana’. Amazing. My winner. They are dressed as yellow wolves singing about bananas, what could be better?! (Tigers singing about pineapples.) I find myself shouting ‘someone give that wolf a banana’ at inappropriate times. And yes, I have tried to do the dance but I haven’t mastered it yet. It’s even more tricky on a trampoline, there’s been a few near miss incidents in my bedroom. Trampoline wise. 10/10

Poland. Ochman – ‘River’. Depressing. A song about dying and suicide. No I don’t want to take myself off to the river to die, but if I listened to this on repeat I might change my mind. 1/10

Portugal. Maro – ‘Saudade’. Jeez, another break up song. Yawn. 1/10.

Romania. WRS – ‘llamame’. Up tempo, not too bad. I was disappointed I was pronouncing the title wrong and it wasn’t llama me. No one came out dressed up as a llama. 5/10

San Marino. Achille Lauro – ‘Stripper’. After lusting after Damiano last year I seem to be spotting a trend of lusting after young thin Italian men who wear make-up, have tattoos and wear black nail polish. That aside, I love this song 10/10. And that’s for the song not Achille, honest.

Serbia. Konstrakta – ‘In Corpore Sano’. Jeez. Lockdown was obviously hard on some people. She starts off singing about Megan Markle’s hair, then proceeds to lecture about health, while washing her hands constantly on stage. May be triggering for those with O.C.D. It made me want to go wash my hands. Or the dishes to avoid listening anymore. 1/10

Slovenia. Lps – ‘Disko’. A young band who look about twelve years old. They’re probably not. I’m just old. Inoffensive disco number (although I will spell it ‘disko’ from now on) I felt transported back to the seventies and that I should be sailing on The Love Boat. 6/10

Spain. Chanel – ‘SloMo’. Very twerky. I couldn’t take my eyes of her booty and thighs. Upbeat song. Not bad for trampolining to. 6/10.

Sweden. Cornelia Jakobs – ‘Hold me closer’. Another break up song. Sigh. 2/10

Switzerland. Marius Bear – ‘Boys Do Cry’. So do fifty-year-old women listening to this, and not in a good way. Snoozeville. 3/10

Ukraine. Kalush Orchestra – ‘Stefania’. Folk rap. Not my cup of tea. But as said previously I think it will win. 2/10.

United Kingdom. Sam Ryder – ‘Space Man’. I thought it was Matthew Wolfenden from Emmerdale at first. He has a good voice and the song grew on me. Awed by his vocal range. I try to hit those high notes while singing along. There are three dogs in my back garden who answered my call. Someone snap him up for a shampoo advert too, he’s worth it. We will of course come last. 7/10.

Eurovision. My Top Three.

Published May 11, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. Iceland. Hatati, Hatrid mun sigra.
Mattius has the perfectly chiselled features of an angel, with the voice of a hellhound chewing razor blades. If the Kurgan from Highlander was singing, this is what he’d sound like. I love this but I think this song is a Marmite song, love it or hate it but no bland on the fence opinion. If you don’t like a shouty vocal the song is available to download as the karaoke version, just the music and Klemens singing the higher chorus. Their stage outfits are outrageously fabulous. Cyber punk bondage. This has outraged a few people, which quite frankly is ridiculous, how can you be outraged by the human body in wipe clean PVC. I think the staging would work better with more nudity myself!

2. Azerbaijan. Chingiz, Truth.
This is a catchy pop tune that stays in my head long after hearing it, in a good way. Great vocals, and a great video (even though I’m not judging it on that). It makes me shimmy (in private) and I’m now often singing part of the chorus ‘just shut up about it’ in my head when people annoy me. That’s quite a lot.

3. Norway. Keiino, Spirit in the Sky.
The three singers’ voices compliment each other well. When I sing and dance the routine myself I play all three roles, and while I love being Alexandra and Tom it’s when I’m singing and dancing to Fred’s bits that I’m my most bouncy. It’s fun, uplifting, and full of energy. Keiino performing it that is, not me.

Other songs I like that didn’t quite make my top three are San Marino, Switzerland, Australia, Finland, Cyprus, Estonia, and Spain. But they made it to my top ten. Bring on Eurovision!

80’s Music Typos.

Published August 5, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

The typist for an 80’s radio station made a few errors when typing up the playlist, changing one letter can make quite a difference in songs.

Dancing with Pears in my Eyes – Ultravox

We Don’t Need Another Herb – Tina Turner

Wherever I Lay My Cat (That’s My Home) – Paul Young

Down Udder – Men at Work

Tonight, I Celebrate My Dove – Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack

That’s Ale – Genesis

Panic Monday – The Bangles

Dr Meat – Gloria Estefan

Can you Peel It – Jackson 5

Naneater – Hall & Oates

Deaf Ringer for Love – Meatloaf

Holding Out For a Herb – Bonnie Tyler

Never Ending Storm – Limahl

It’s Raining, Meh – The Weather Girls

Cruet Summer – Bananarama

Grass in Pocket – The Pretenders

Love is a Cattlefield – Pat Benatar

Relay – Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Danger Bone – Kenny Loggins

You Can’t Curry Love – Phil Collins

Here Comes the Pain Again – Eurythmics

Jello – Lionel Richie

Stout – Tears For Fears

Alive and Licking – Simple Minds

Cities in Lust – Siouxsie & The Banshees

The Lady in Bed – Chris De Burgh

Invisible Couch – Genesis

Holding Back the Bears – Simply Red

Trench Kissin’ in The USA – Deborah Harry

Always on my Hind – Pet Shop Boys

Gimme Dope Jo’anna – Eddy Grant

Turn Back the Glock – Johnny Hates Jazz

Pot in the City – Billy Idol

I Should Be So Yucky – Kylie Minogue

Everyday is Like a Funday – Morrissey

Peardrops – Womack & Womack

Feed You Tonight – INXS

Baby I Don’t Bare – Transvision Vamp

I Want That Map – Deborah Harry

The Pest – Tina Turner

Welcome to the Bungle – Guns n Roses

Porn in the USA – Bruce Springsteen

Honey for Nothing – Dire Straits

Mild Side – Motley Crew

When Doves Pry – Prince

My Eurovision 2018 top 10 (ish).

Published May 7, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

1. F.Y.R. Macedonia – Lost and Found by Eye Cue. This song grew on me but is now my favourite. Not completely danceable as there are some floaty moments but when the beat drops I shimmy like a possessed possum on peach schnapps.

2. Cyprus – Fuego by Eleni Foureira. Well, if Shakira’s hips don’t lie, my hips are spilling the beans constantly during this song. Extremely danceable, my hips can’t keep still, and my invisible hula hoop dance move goes into overdrive.

3. Finland – Monsters by Saara Aalto. This song gives my lungs a good work out as I am compelled to belt it out, it makes me feel confident and motivated, who knew a song could do that?

4. Switzerland – Stones by Zibbz. A little bit of soft rock is always going to get a thumbs up with me, so soft rock with a pop vibe gets both my thumbs up. I don’t normally like a female rock voice but this one I do. Gravelly and sexy. I want to be Corinne.

5. Ukraine – Under the Ladder by Melovin. Love this one, kind of has a Rob Thomas feel to it for me, not a brilliant one for dancing to but great tempo, a top train track for me.

6. Moldova – My Lucky Day by DoReDos. This song is just pure Eurovision to me. It reminds me of the little weird ditties they play between songs when we are shown video clips of the countries. Lots of lovely oomph pa moments and musical instruments that are exotic to my ears. Danceable.

7. Austria – Nobody but You by Cesar Sampson. Fabulous voice, like treacle trickling down my legs. Not terribly danceable but great to listen to

8. Belgium – A Matter of Time by Sennek. Fabulous voice, inticing and intoxiacating. The chorus feels like a Bond song and I imagine silhouettes of ladies flowing in and out of focus. Not one to dance to, unless doing a seductive James Bond lady dance, but it gets me lost in it.

9. Czech Republic – Lie to Me by Mikolas Josef. Funky. I do like a muted trumpet. Not great to dance to, unless you want to pretend to be Justin Bieber. This was my original favourite but after each listen it moves down my chart.

10. UK – Storm by SuRie. My favourite UK entry for a long time. I voted for it in the selection stage. A proper belter. I sing along with this like I’m stood on top of a skyscraper (with a safety harness on). I love the way it builds to the chorus and I think SuRie looks like Annie Lennox.

11. Israel – Toy by Netta. Wow. This is certainly different. I can only describe it as hip-hop chicken on crystal meth. Fun and catchy song, and I like the fact when I sing along ‘mudda bucker’ sounds like I’m swearing but I’m not.

Previous Band Names

Published May 3, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

Lots of bands weren’t doing too well so they changed their names and the rest is history*.

*This may not be true.

1. Stare 281 – Blink 182
2. Warmnap – Coldplay
3. Blind Pantha – Def Leppard
4. Knives n’ Posies – Guns n’ Roses
5. Duke Magenta – King Crimson
6. The Arsonists – The Killers
7. Woodlica – Metallica
8. My Fragrance Free Friendship – My Chemical Romance
9. Uncertainty – No Doubt
10. Coral Curd – Pearl Jam
11. Kings of the Bronze Age – Queens of the Stone Age
12. Gripvelcro – Slipknot
13. Audiolawn – Soundgarden
14. Fat Betty – Thin Lizzy
15. Corduroy Pistol – Velvet Revolver
16. Uh-Oh – A-Ha
17. Brenda’s Basement – Alisha’s Attic
18. Front Avenue Lads – Backstreet Boys
19. Hit for Brows – Bat for Lashes
20. Silver Swot Bicycle Club – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
21. Brownie – Blondie
22. Skinny Malcolm – Boney M
23. Skittling for Pita Bread – Bowling for Soup
24. Empty Bungalow – Crowded House
25. The Fresh Freesias – The Dead Daisies
26. Light Lilac – Deep Purple
27. Dexy’s Midday Walkers – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
28. The Windows – The Doors
29. The Candle Band – Electric Light Orchestra
30. Gas Five – Electric Six
31. Cuddle – Embrace
32. Frankie Goes to Cleethorpes – Frankie Goes to Hollywood
33. Enemy Floods – Friendly Fires
34. Lung – Heart
35. Tootie & The Clownfish – Hootie & The Blowfish
36. Mike and The Osteopaths – Mike and The Mechanics
37. Sulky Greys – Moody Blues
38. Seven Centimeter Screws – Nine Inch Nails
39. Sleet Guard – Snow Patrol
40. Hard Nucleus – Soft Cell
41. Tin Tiger – Steel Panther
42. Moist Thumbs – Sticky Fingers
43. The Stabbers – The Stranglers
44. Pampered Pussies – Stray Cats
45. The Fashion Forum – The Style Council
46. Chit Chat – Talk Talk
47. Beers for Deers – Tears for Fears
48. Creepyview – Terrorvision
49. We Are Postmen – We Are Scientists
50. Pinkworm – Whitesnake

Eighties Original Songs

Published April 7, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

Original 80’s Song Titles before they were changed by the artists to appeal to the mass market.

1. Simply Red – If You Don’t Know Me by Now (you haven’t been paying attention to our conversations you ignorant prat).

2. Fine Young Cannibals – She Drives Me Crazy (when she talks during the football).

3. Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time (I wouldn’t have gone for the cheesecake as your tiramisu looked nicer).

4. Belinda Carlisle – Leave a Light On (as I’ve just watched ‘Halloween’ and I’ve got a loose bladder).

5. Texas – I Don’t Want a Lover (I want a man who does the ironing for me).

6. Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You (unless you keep cooking kippers on a Tuesday).

7. Tiffany – I Think We’re Alone Now (apart from all the voices in my head and my invisible unicorn Neville).

8. Belinda Carlisle – Heaven Is a Place on Earth (called Scunthorpe).

9. Phil Collins – Two Hearts (make you Doctor Who).

10. Cher – I Found Someone (to sort out my plumbing, so take those rubber gloves off).

11. Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up (unless I’m offered a bag of Malteasers).

12. Jackie Wilson – I Get the Sweetest Feeling (when I eat too much fudge).

13. Terence Trent D’Arby – If You Let Me Stay (I’ll put up that shelf you wanted and treat you to a bag of chips).

14. George Michael – I Want Your Sex (but a Mars bar will do if you’re tired).

15. Level 43 – Running in the Family (ended with me, I’m a walker).

16. Robert Palmer – Addicted to Love (and pizza and Haribo sweets).

17. Phyllis Nelson – Move Closer (because you smell of cottage pie and I really want to sniff you).

18. Tears for Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World (except me, I’m a lazy ass and just want to watch Bargain Hunt on TV).

19. Bruce Springsteen – Dancing in the Dark (because I’ve not paid the leccy again).

20. Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (has given me shocking shin splints).

21. Paul Young – Every Time You Go Away (your best friend Laura plays Scrabble and eats pork pies with me).

22. Fine Young Cannibals – Johnny Come Home (your spaghetti hoops are starting to congeal).

23. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called to Say I Love You (and to cadge a lift home because I’ve missed the last bus).

24. Nik Kershaw – Wouldn’t It Be Good (if I was a ginger cat and lived with Mrs. Jones in number 42).

25. Cyndi Lauper – Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun (and a man that does the dusting).

26. Ultravox – Dancing with Tears In My Eyes (because I’ve stubbed my toe yet again on that ugly coffee table).

27. Chaka Khan – Ain’t Nobody (gonna to eat my last Rolo).

28. Siouxsie & The Banshees – Dear Prudence (stop eating the food on my shelf in the fridge or I will wrap your feet in cellophane while you sleep).

29. Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Come on Eileen (that table’s not going to take your weight much longer, and for Gawd’s sake put your boobs away

30. Yazoo – Only You (make me want to throw myself off a stepladder while eating a cactus).

31. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll (sausage rolls, swiss rolls, forward rolls and fat rolls).

32. Human League – Don’t You Want Me (suspended by fraying wool over a shark tank).

33. The Police – Every Little Thing She Does is Magic (apart from Yorkshire puddings, she can’t make those for jack.)

34. Odyssey – Going Back to My Roots (because peroxide prices are extortionate).

35. Abba – One of Us (is an annoying twat and it’s not me).

36. Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough (of you mum’s apple chutney).

37. The Police – Don’t Stand So Close to Me (I had a curry last night).

38. The Nolans – I’m in the Mood for Dancing (but my bunions have other ideas).

39. Blondie – Call Me (if you’re having pizza tonight, but not if you’re having anchovies on it).

40. Prince – Let’s Go Crazy (and have a dessert and the cheeseboard).

41. Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf (so two pasties and a doughnut for me please).

42. Wham – Last Christmas (you didn’t buy me a chocolate orange and I can never forgive you).

43. Queen – Under Pressure (I eat lots of cake and watch the True Movie channel).

44. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again (picking up your socks from the floor, lazy git.)

45. The Cure – Pictures of You (make me want to vomit and I use them on my dart board).

46. Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar on Me (as I’m having a hypo and my insulin’s not kicking in).

47. ACDC – Back in Black (because I’ve eaten too many Easter eggs and my backside is the size of Luxemburg).

48. Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (unless my passport doesn’t come back because I left it late as per usual).

49. U2 – Where the Streets Have No Name (I get a bit lost and have to use my sat nav).

50. Bros – I Owe You Nothing (apart from maybe that 10p I borrowed in 1984 for a Curly Wurly).

Eurovision 2nd Semi-final Rehearsal

Published May 10, 2017 by Naomi Rettig

As with my review of the first semi-final, if you want to play a drinking game then it’s a shot for a white outfit, a wind machine or a cape. Although, spoiler – there are no capes in this second semi-final. I will be having non-alcoholic pear cider myself, but some people need real alcohol to get through Eurovision.

1. Serbia – This song has grown on me and now I love it. There’s a white see-through dress, and it looks like she has a swimsuit on underneath, shame there’s not a water tank on stage she could make use of, but sadly she stays in the one spot. Watch out for the male dancer when he does an impressive fast backwards circular run. I can’t even run like that going forwards. Oh, and there’s a wind machine. Two shots

2. Austria – Nathan wears a white suit with ankle avoiding trousers. Not much of a stage performance from a young lad, he just sings from a crescent moon, jumps down, and jumps back up. I could do that. One shot.

3. FYR Macedonia – Yay! One of my favourite songs and she has fringing on her outfit – another favourite feature of mine. Wearing black not white. Upbeat fun performance. No shots though.

4. Malta – Nothing about this song or performance leaves me breathless. A white wedding dress combined with a wind machine, boring staging. Two shots.

5. Romania – This is like Marmite, you’re either going to love it or hate it! I love it. Yodeling, bright fun graphics, a bouncy duo, and two huge cannons on stage. The cannons didn’t do anything in the rehearsal show, I’m hoping for glitter or confetti being fired out into the audience on the live show. No shots. Unless the cannons fire, then I’m having two bonus shots.

6. Netherlands – This trio of women sound like Wilson Phillips to me, they wear black sparkly outfits but just sing on stage in a line, not dynamic enough for me. No shots.

7. Hungary – Too traditional and folksy for me. Nice dancing though from the singer and dancer, wearing a white dress so have a shot for that.

8. Denmark – Red dress, no wind machine in rehearsal but I wouldn’t be surprised if one is whipped out for the live show to give this performance some life. Dull. No shots.

9. Ireland – Brendan looks about twelve and sings from a pretend hot air balloon. I was hoping it would fly off with him in it but alas it stays put. Dreary song that wouldn’t even make it onto a Westlife tribute band CD. No shots.

10. San Marino – An upbeat fun song, duo singers competing with black leather trousers and sparkly black jackets. Bright disco lights, but slightly disappointed with the effort of dancing, looks like my style at a school disco in 1988. No shots.

11. Croatia – Croatia’s Pavarotti, but a little trendier as he has sparkly shoes and wears a leather jacket over his suit tails. The song doesn’t do it for me, but a good performance. No shots.

12. Norway – Something a little different, a funky singer and three masked men with hoods, one playing drums, one playing the keyboards, and one just banging a table. No shots.

13. Switzerland – A very eye-catching bright yellow dress, a homage to big bird or beauty and the beast? Hurrah, a wind machine. One shot.

14. Belarus – This couple remind me of Jack Black and his sister. Folksy and upbeat but not my cup of tea. She’s wearing a white dress though so one shot.

15. Bulgaria – A favourite with the bookmakers but not with me. Like Ireland’s entry he looks about twelve (am I just getting old? – rhetorical question). Wearing a black suit, but the crotch of his trousers is heading towards his knees, I was distracted from the performance as I just wanted to yank his trousers up. No shots.

16. Lithuania – Another favourite of mine. Dynamic, funky, and lively. Singer wears a red dress and puts on a great performance. My only puzzlement is the artist is Fusedmarc – but who’s Marc and what is he fused to? No shots.

17. Estonia – This song could easily be a Steps song. Koit is in a black suit, Laura in a white dress, and they have simple but effective black and white screen staging. If Steps don’t want them as reserves, Koit could be in a Bros tribute band. Lost in Verona – no need to be with Google maps. One shot.

18. Israel – Great song to end the show. High energy, high testosterone, not so sure about the mesh vest though Imri. No shots.

Nine shots in total, eleven if the cannons go off in Romania’s performance. My fingers are crossed.

Eurovision 1st Semi Final Rehearsal Review

Published May 6, 2017 by Naomi Rettig

I’ve watched the rehearsal footage of the first semi-final acts, and a top tip is if you want to play a drinking game and get drunk, have a shot every time a white outfit, wind machine and cape turn up in a performance. If all three occur at the same time, have double shots. Here are my opinions on the performances.

1. Sweden – I love this song, I’ve championed it from the start and it’s still in my top 5. I’m disappointed though that two of the original backing dancers/singers have been switched with replacements, I’m not sure why as I can only find references to it being due to a rule of the contest – presumably not allowing too many handsome men on stage at one time I guess. The routine hasn’t changed for the show, stylish men in suits and trainers dancing on treadmills who wouldn’t look out of place on a Milan cat walk. Is it wrong that I want to join a gym now just to dance on a treadmill? Starting off sober, zero shots.

2. Georgia – I was hoping for a Bon Jovi number when hearing the song was called Keep the Faith, but no, a belter of a song that wouldn’t be out of place in a James Bond film, complete with a Bond Girl singer in a red sparkly figure hugging outfit. She has a red cape and a wind machine. Two shots.

3. Australia – All about the singer here, his image is on the screens behind and it’s just him singing on a giant turntable. He’s wearing a grey coat, which is almost a cape, and his trousers don’t meet ankles. It might be fashionable, he might like to flash his ankles, but it does nothing for me. And even though I applaud him for singing while spinning around on the turntable, part of me, the wicked part, wants the turntable operator to speed it up faster as the song goes on just so he flies off at the end. No shots, but a sip for the cape-like coat.

4. Albania – Love the steampunk graphics on screen for this song. There is a wind machine and the singer is wearing white with silver sparkles, and starts with a veil that flings back into a skirt cape. Allowing three shots here, and that doubles to six!

5. Belgium – Blanche wears a full white ballgown for this, it looks like she’s concealing something. If doves don’t fly out from under there at the end I’ll be disappointed. I’m already disappointed with the vocals, the recorded track sounds much better than the live performance. Plus, she stands still in one spot, I know it’s not a lively song but a bit of oomph or facial expression would be good. One shot for the dress. Bonus gulp from the bottle if doves do indeed fly out from under the dress.

6. Montenegro – Distraught by this performance as it was my favourite to win, based on the recorded track. Shockingly bad vocals live, and his dancing should be phenomenal but my bowels have move movement than this. He seems to be going for if in doubt twirl your fake plait around, I was hoping it would get caught in the lighting rig to liven this performance up. No shots. Although I might have a consolation shot for wasting money betting on this one.

7. Finland – Bucking the trend here as they have gone for black ballgown, and instead of a wind machine have chosen smoke machine. The background graphics put me into a boredom trance. Another performer who doesn’t move from the spot. No shots.

8. Azerbaijan – The strangest staging so far. Singer wears a silky Columbo mac while scrawling on blackboard walls, while a man wearing a horse’s head stands on a step ladder. He takes the horse head off to reveal an Azerbaijan Rylan Clark. Good vocals, good song, but not so good that even though the song is called Skeletons there are no actual skeletons on stage. No shots.

9. Portugal – The singer’s sister has been standing in for him during rehearsals as he has a mystery illness that prevents him being away from healthcare for too long. His sister looks like him though so it’s easy to imagine him on stage (I think Salvador has just dressed as a female and is pretending to be his sister for japes). There is minimal staging, just the singer and the song, again not moving from the spot. No shots.

10. Greece – The singer is wearing a flesh colour dress, there are two topless Greek men dancing around her but not much movement from her and considering it’s an up-tempo track is disappointing. There is a wind machine though. One shot.

11. Poland – Not a memorable song or performance. Singer wears a white dress/weird toga and there is a wind machine. Two shots.

12. Moldova – I love this one, so much fun. The toe tapping ‘get this chewing gum off my shoe’ dance is in there, the running man dance while playing the saxophone is cool, the screen graphics are funky, the backing dancers/singers have dresses that switch from black and white into wedding dresses, and I do love a costume within a costume. One shot.

13. Iceland – Wow. If Iceland’s entry was a superhero she’d be PVA Glue Woman. She’s wearing a white PVC jumpsuit, white latex platforms, white plastic cape, and has her blonde hair scraped back into a no-nonsense ponytail. In the jumpsuit, there is a cut out to showcase her boobs, like a pornographic power ranger. There is a wind machine, but no way is that knocking her off those platforms. Three shots doubled! Six shots.

14. Czech Republic – Well we’ve just had PVA Glue Woman so now bring on Ferrero Roche Woman. This is the worst outfit so far. A metallic bronze foil boiler-suit is not flattering to even beautiful people. Background screen graphics show people dancing slowly in nude underwear, like a beginners swingers party. The most un-erotic thing I’ve seen. No shots.

15. Cyprus – Hovig reminds me of Chico. I like the song, it reminds me of last years’ Russian entry. He wears a black suit, but another ankle avoiding trouser. There are lots of balancing yoga moves in the dance routine which will give me a good workout as I dance along. At one point in rehearsals he lies down to sing, I’m guessing this will correspond with floor graphics. Or he might have just been tired. No shots.

16. Armenia – The screen graphics remind me of a lava lamp, that’s all I have to say about this performance. Oh, and she wears a black trouser suit. No shots

17. Slovenia – Dull staging to match a dull song. He wears a black suit, and the background graphics at one point look like a spaceship is going to beam him up, unfortunately it didn’t. No shots.

18. Latvia – Great staging with a punky neon set. Wind machine and weird fashion. Singer has metallic thigh high boots, which look like the Wonder Woman boots I made when I was seven out of my mum’s kitchen foil. Good song to end the night on. One shot.

Twenty shots, and a sip, in total*.
*This could change on the actual night if wind machines are added to other performances.

My Eurovision 2017 Top Five (Six really)

Published March 17, 2017 by Naomi Rettig

My winner is Montenegro. Unfortunately, this is the kiss of death for the Montenegro contestant Slavko Katezic as my favourite songs always come last. I love this song though, it’s called ‘Space’, and I dance like I’m on another planet when I hear it. In the official video, he dances topless and has a plait Rapunzel would be jealous of. I find the plait distracting though as he swings it around with gay abandonment, health and safety officials will be having kittens on the night watching it doesn’t get caught up in any stage paraphernalia. I’m presuming there won’t be a wind machine in the mix for the live performance, far too many ‘Final Destination’ possibilities. The song is disco deluge of high energy, jiggly rhythms, and sweat. And the more I listen to the lyrics the more double entendre they seem. 10/10 from me.

Sweden is my very close second place. The song is catchy and bouncy. Robin Bengtsson ticks all my boxes but I’m not sure if a song called ‘I can’t go on (coz you’re so fricking beautiful)’ will go down well. Will the people of Europe be offended by the word fricking? I’m looking forward to the stage performance as in the video Robin and his merry men (four male backing dancers, all looking dashing in suits and sneakers) dance on treadmills. I’m presuming the stops and starts of the treadmill in line with the dance routine are automatically programmed in, otherwise it’s a lot of pressure on the treadmill operator. This song is fricking awesome and I give it 9.5/10.

Moldova get my third place. The Sunstroke Project (no it’s not an ad campaign from Boots the chemist) have been Moldova’s entry before, but this is their best. ‘Hey Mamma’ is again a catchy upbeat song with funky saxophone and violin bits. The dance moves are easy enough for me to follow along with; the main move being tapping your right leg up and down as if trying to free your shoe from unseen chewing gum or dabbing down a bit of lifting loose linoleum. And anyone that can dance ‘the running man’ while playing the saxophone gets my vote. 9/10 from me.

Francesco Gabbani for Italy gets fourth place from me for his song ‘Occidentali’s Karma’. This song has been a grower for me. He sings it in Italian so I find it difficult to sing along to (it doesn’t stop me), but it’s got a groovy melody I can dance to. Francesco does his best with dad dancing but his infectious smile makes up for his lack of smooth moves. His voice is heavenly, like granulated sugar swirled with honey and rubbed all over your body with soft warm hands. Oh, did I mention there was a dancing gorilla? Not a real one, a person dressed in a monkey suit dancing alongside Francesco. Maybe they’ll have a real gorilla for the live contest. I look forward to seeing what suit he wears on stage as I’ve seen him singing this song in a couple of different swish suits. 8.5/10 from me.

Fifth place is a tie. Both these songs scored 8/10 from me. F.Y.R Macedonia has a club-feel dance track by Jana Burceska called ‘Dance Alone’. And it does indeed make you want to dance alone. Or in company. The video is a clever concept, an older lady puts on a 3-D headset and is transformed into the younger version of herself as she dances. That’s how I feel when I dance, twenty years younger. A feel-good song, it will be interesting to see what the stage arrangement will be.

Joint fifth for me is Romania. Ilinca ft. Alex Florea sing ‘Yodel It!’ That kind of gives a clue. It’s a rap/yodel fusion. Yes, from Romania. (Apparently, the song was written for the Swiss but they didn’t want it, but Romania did and have certainly embraced it). On first hearing this song I was confused to whether I liked it or not, having listened to it many times now I can confirm it’s a yay from me. A yodelyay. And yes, I have tried yodeling but I sound like a llama on helium and crack cocaine.

Only fifty two days until the first semi-final! Do you have a favourite yet?