silly

All posts tagged silly

Self-Important Bauble

Published December 20, 2021 by Naomi Rettig

If I was a Christmas bauble

I’d be as sparkly as I could be.

I’d roll myself in glitter

And launch myself at the tree.

I’d try to aim up really high

So I could be near the star.

I’d try not to land on the nutcracker

As that would be quite bizarre.

I don’t want to hang way too low

As I don’t want to be a cat toy.

Snowy the cat’s on a mission

To seek sparkly things and destroy.

I’d avoid hanging next to a light,

I don’t want to be melted plastic.

I might get thrown in the trash

And that would be far too drastic.

Maybe I should replace the star

At the top of the Christmas tree?

Oh, think of the view from up there.

Yes, at the top is where I should be!

My Internal Organs Have Melted

Published July 23, 2021 by Naomi Rettig

              

If I was rum and raisin ice-cream

I would not be here,

I’d have melted away,

Evaporated, dissolved,

Just my raisins remaining,

Dehydrated, shrivelled.

If I was a mint choc chip ice-cream

I would not be here .

I’d have melted away,

Evaporated, dissolved,

Just my choc chips remaining,  

Disgustingly sticky.

If I was a strawberry ice-cream

I would not be here.

I’d have melted away,

Evaporated, dissolved,

Just little pips remaining,

Insignificantly.

If I was a vanilla ice-cream

I would not be here.

I’d have melted away,

Evaporated, dissolved,

Zero trace remaining.

But I’m not a delicate ice-cream,

I’m a human bean,

And my strong skin holds in

Exhausted sloshy organs.

When I cool will they migrate

Back to their slots once more?

Or will my kidneys

Stay in my toes?

Ice Cream Types

Published July 22, 2021 by Naomi Rettig

Vanilla is comfort, familiar, and safer.

Chocolate is decadence held in a wafer.

Strawberry is sensuous and loving the sun.

Cheeky mint choc chip is looking always for fun.

Raspberry ripple is flirtatious and rude.

Pistachio eaters are frequently nude.

Tutti frutti are lovable freaks.

Vegan pecan for sexy ass geeks.

Neapolitan for the want-it-all’s.

Salted caramel for the know-it-all’s.

Rum and raisin wants adventure and travel.

And coffee lickers watch their life unravel.

Monday

Published February 8, 2021 by Naomi Rettig

Rise up like a phoenix or a well baked souffle.

It’s the start of the week, a magic Monday.

It can be what you want, just open your mind

And your heart and your chakras if you’re so inclined.

Embrace what you’re given to deal with this day,

If life gives you lemons, whip up a sorbet.

Seek out the positives in all situations,

Enjoy the beauty of natures creations.

If someone is vexing then just walk away

Life is too fleeting for such mental affray.

So soar high like an eagle and just perhaps

You’ll have a good day and your souffle won’t collapse.

A Gothic Hamster Ate My Toast

Published December 27, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

A gothic hamster dressed in black

Crept to my kitchen for a snack,

Dark eye liner and backcombed fur

Hiding in shadows, a sinister blur.

I woke up for a midnight feast

Unaware of this gothic beast.

I made some toast, switched the kettle on,

When I turned to eat it, the toast was gone.

Had I lost the plot? Out of my mind?

I scanned the room and what did I find?

A little gothic hamster quite engrossed,

Dropping crumbs on my floor, scoffing my toast.

I coughed to interrupt him, he stopped and looked my way,

His eyes grew wide, he quivered, and he started to sway.

I crouched down low, smiled at him, whispered all was great

He cried and smudged his eyes, sorry for what he ate.

I dried his tears, cuddled him, told him all was fine,

He could come and visit me any time to dine.

My Ideal Christmas

Published December 14, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

Calorie free chocolate that tastes oh so good,

A cosy log cabin hid away in a wood,

White fluffy snow that sparkles so bright,

Reading a book in soft candlelight,

Snuggling under a warm Christmas fleece,

Meditating quietly with inner peace,

Listening to carols as I close my eyes,

Avoiding temptation of cream and mince pies.

Seeing my daughter’s smile light up the room,

Chatting with friends via Facebook and Zoom.

A real open fire with flames dancing high,

The brightest of stars in a velvet sky.

A cat purring happily on my lap,

Luring me gently into having a nap.

A trampoline session to make me feel groovy,

Then feet up, relax, and chillout with a movie.

The gorgeous Judd Nelson waiting in bed

Covered all over with a marzipan spread.

Reasons to be my Valentine

Published February 14, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. I’d give you my last Rolo. From a multipack. After I’d licked it.

2. No need for a hot water bottle at night. I’m hot. Temperature wise. (This perk is not so perky in the summer months.)

3. I’m not a fussy eater, so you can take me anywhere. But not a steakhouse or a sushi bar. Or a Nandos.

4. I can write you poetry or write you into a story as the hero. But if you annoy me, I will kill you off, fictionally.

5. I make excellent tiramisu.

6. I’m not a good dancer, so you will look fabulous if dancing with me.

7. I can’t run fast. This isn’t a negative point, if we are being chased by zombies or muggers then I will get caught first enabling you to escape.

8. I’m an excellent organiser. Your future holidays will be planned with military precision allowing you to merely relax and enjoy yourself. When scheduled to.

9. I’m a vegetarian so I’m cheap to feed. Although any money saved on meat will probably be reallocated to chocolate or marzipan.

10. I don’t get scared at horror films so can look after you if you do. But I will probably hide behind a door to scare you if you take a trip to the toilet.

11. As a non-drinker I can be your designated driver. Oh, if I could drive that is. But I can still look after you and make sure you get home safe. And draw on your face and take photos.

12. I will take a bullet for you. Not such a grand gesture, having depression I’d take a bullet for anyone. But it’s still a perk worth considering.

13. I give great cuddles. My extra fat layers give added squish. It’s like cuddling the Ghostbusters Stay Puft marshmallow man. But less sticky.

14. You can watch me dancing in my fringed swimsuit to Eurovision. This is a special V.I.P part of the package, never been seen by anyone before. (After seeing once you have the option to opt out of further shows.)

15. You get unfiltered access to my brain. (Again, you do have the option to opt out of this perk.)

Twelve Days of Christmas at the pharmacy (to be sung to the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas).

Published December 21, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

On the twelfth day of Christmas my pharmacist gave to me
Twelve senna tablets
Eleven paracetamols
Ten mills of methadone
Nine types of statins
Eight anti-depressants
Seven sleeping tablets
Six morphine patches
Five metformin
Four suppositories
Three furosemides
Two inhalers
And a jumbo pot of aspirin

I wish I was a potato

Published September 12, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

I wish I was a potato, lounging in a field,
Dreaming of being scrubbed and delicately peeled.
I’d aspire to being dauphinoise
But that would take some class I guess.
Maybe I’d be chunky chips
And hang around with spicy dips.
Or I could be some creamy mash
Whipped up with butter in a flash.
Maybe I’d chill and watch a show,
Being a magnificent couch potato.

80’s Music Typos.

Published August 5, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

The typist for an 80’s radio station made a few errors when typing up the playlist, changing one letter can make quite a difference in songs.

Dancing with Pears in my Eyes – Ultravox

We Don’t Need Another Herb – Tina Turner

Wherever I Lay My Cat (That’s My Home) – Paul Young

Down Udder – Men at Work

Tonight, I Celebrate My Dove – Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack

That’s Ale – Genesis

Panic Monday – The Bangles

Dr Meat – Gloria Estefan

Can you Peel It – Jackson 5

Naneater – Hall & Oates

Deaf Ringer for Love – Meatloaf

Holding Out For a Herb – Bonnie Tyler

Never Ending Storm – Limahl

It’s Raining, Meh – The Weather Girls

Cruet Summer – Bananarama

Grass in Pocket – The Pretenders

Love is a Cattlefield – Pat Benatar

Relay – Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Danger Bone – Kenny Loggins

You Can’t Curry Love – Phil Collins

Here Comes the Pain Again – Eurythmics

Jello – Lionel Richie

Stout – Tears For Fears

Alive and Licking – Simple Minds

Cities in Lust – Siouxsie & The Banshees

The Lady in Bed – Chris De Burgh

Invisible Couch – Genesis

Holding Back the Bears – Simply Red

Trench Kissin’ in The USA – Deborah Harry

Always on my Hind – Pet Shop Boys

Gimme Dope Jo’anna – Eddy Grant

Turn Back the Glock – Johnny Hates Jazz

Pot in the City – Billy Idol

I Should Be So Yucky – Kylie Minogue

Everyday is Like a Funday – Morrissey

Peardrops – Womack & Womack

Feed You Tonight – INXS

Baby I Don’t Bare – Transvision Vamp

I Want That Map – Deborah Harry

The Pest – Tina Turner

Welcome to the Bungle – Guns n Roses

Porn in the USA – Bruce Springsteen

Honey for Nothing – Dire Straits

Mild Side – Motley Crew

When Doves Pry – Prince