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Reasons to be my Valentine

Published February 14, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. I’d give you my last Rolo. From a multipack. After I’d licked it.

2. No need for a hot water bottle at night. I’m hot. Temperature wise. (This perk is not so perky in the summer months.)

3. I’m not a fussy eater, so you can take me anywhere. But not a steakhouse or a sushi bar. Or a Nandos.

4. I can write you poetry or write you into a story as the hero. But if you annoy me, I will kill you off, fictionally.

5. I make excellent tiramisu.

6. I’m not a good dancer, so you will look fabulous if dancing with me.

7. I can’t run fast. This isn’t a negative point, if we are being chased by zombies or muggers then I will get caught first enabling you to escape.

8. I’m an excellent organiser. Your future holidays will be planned with military precision allowing you to merely relax and enjoy yourself. When scheduled to.

9. I’m a vegetarian so I’m cheap to feed. Although any money saved on meat will probably be reallocated to chocolate or marzipan.

10. I don’t get scared at horror films so can look after you if you do. But I will probably hide behind a door to scare you if you take a trip to the toilet.

11. As a non-drinker I can be your designated driver. Oh, if I could drive that is. But I can still look after you and make sure you get home safe. And draw on your face and take photos.

12. I will take a bullet for you. Not such a grand gesture, having depression I’d take a bullet for anyone. But it’s still a perk worth considering.

13. I give great cuddles. My extra fat layers give added squish. It’s like cuddling the Ghostbusters Stay Puft marshmallow man. But less sticky.

14. You can watch me dancing in my fringed swimsuit to Eurovision. This is a special V.I.P part of the package, never been seen by anyone before. (After seeing once you have the option to opt out of further shows.)

15. You get unfiltered access to my brain. (Again, you do have the option to opt out of this perk.)

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Food Songs

Published April 29, 2016 by Naomi Rettig

Songs that were originally based on food.

  1. Little Red Courgette – Prince.
  2. I Will Always Love Stew – Whitney Houston.
  3. Carrot in the Wind – Elton John.
  4. A Whiter Shade of Kale – Procol Harum.
  5. Smells Like Bean Spirit – Nirvana.
  6. Another One Bites the Crust – Queen.
  7. Korma Chameleon – Culture Club.
  8. Scran – Eminem.
  9. Like a Gherkin – Madonna.
  10. Ice Cream Believer – The Monkees.
  11. Jello -Adele.
  12. Chips Don’t Lie – Shakira.
  13. Wrecking Cawl – Miley Cyrus.
  14. Frying in the Chapel – Elvis Presley.
  15. Spice Oddity – David Bowie.
  16. You Can’t Curry Love – The Supremes.
  17. Soupsudio – Phil Collins.
  18. Living on the Veg – Aerosmith.
  19. Livin’ on a Pear – Bon Jovi.
  20. Dancing in the Quark – Bruce Springsteen.
  21. Corn in the USA – Bruce Springsteen.
  22. Where the Sweets Have No Name – U2.
  23. Champagne Peach Pavlova – Oasis.
  24. Back for Pud – Take That.
  25. Can’t Get You Outta My Bread – Kylie Minogue.
  26. Bun – Snow Patrol.
  27. You Can’t Always Get a Croissant – The Rolling Stones.
  28. Fry me a Liver – Justin Timberlake.
  29. Oops I Did Sugarcane – Britney Spears.
  30. I’m Your Flan – Wham.
  31. Here Comes Chow Mein Again – Eurythmics.
  32. Quorn in my Side – Eurythmics.
  33. Brew – Spandau Ballet.
  34. Union of the Cake – Duran Duran.
  35. Take a Chance on Brie – Abba.
  36. Chilli Bean – Michael Jackson.
  37. Mango in the Night – Fleetwood Mac.
  38. Made of Scone – The Stone Roses.
  39. Wouldn’t it be Rice – Beach Boys.
  40. The Grape Pretender – Freddie Mercury.
  41. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Zucchini – Timmy Mallett.
  42. Parsnips – Nicki Minaj.
  43. Telegram Ham – T.Rex.
  44. Marmite (Everything’s Alright) – Stevie Wonder.
  45. Wrapture – Blondie.
  46. Sweet Chive O Mine – Guns n’ Roses.
  47. Harlem Truffle – Bob and Earl.
  48. Sultanas of Swing – Dire Straits.
  49. Just Give me a Raisin – Pink.
  50. See Me, Feed Me- The Who.