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Fifty Things To Do Before I’m Fifty. (453 days to go.)

Published November 4, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

  1. Master a yoga pose. This may take the full 453 days. I’m not very balanced or graceful.
  2. Dye my hair blue. I’ve had pink, purple, red and black, but have always fancied having blue hair.
  3. Hold a séance with a Ouija board. I made my own board when I was fourteen, out of cardboard with felt tip pens. I’d like to attempt to communicate with the dead in a more professional manner.
  4. Visit the Tower of London. I’ve been to London heaps of times but have never been into the tower, only walked around the outside of it.
  5. Watch The Lion King. I have never watched this. I feel that I should as I use the phrase Hakuna Matata quite a lot.
  6. Read ‘Salem’s Lot’ by Stephen King. The TV adaptation with David Soul scared me silly when I was a small child so I’d like to read the book.
  7. Try Jackfruit. Very trendy among vegan cuisine but I’ve never tried it as I don’t think I’d like it. No basis for that thought whatsoever.
  8. Crochet something recognisable. I’ve often fantasized about crocheting a whole set of zoo animals but I think this is beyond my capabilities so I would settle for crocheting something simple. Like a scarf. Or a blanket for Neville.
  9. Invent and draw a cartoon character. Pretty self-explanatory.
  10. Eat a fresh fig. I’ve never tried a fresh fig before.
  11. Swim in the sea. I haven’t swum in the sea since I saw ‘Jaws’ as a child and have an irrational fear of being eaten by a shark. I will maybe leave this until the end of the list in case it’s not so irrational after all.
  12. Paint a self-portrait. I can’t draw or paint people at all but I’d like to have a go at a self-portrait. It may be abstract.
  13. Hug 50 trees. Not necessarily in one hit, over the duration of my time left, taking a selfie with each one to document the numbers.
  14. Spend the night in a haunted building. House, pub, hotel, known to be haunted or looks like it could be!
  15. Try okra. I’ve never tried okra, always wanted to.
  16. Meet up with old friends. Time passes so quickly and I’d like to catch up with friends I haven’t seen for ages.
  17. Meet up with new friends. I have made lots of friends in the virtual world throughout the pandemic, and before, and it would be fabulous to meet up to say hello in physical life too.
  18. Visit Guernsey. Jersey is my favourite Channel Island, but I need to visit Guernsey to either confirm this or move my allegiance!
  19. Attend my graduation ceremony. My graduation for my Batchelors degree was cancelled due to covid19. I will hopefully be completing my Masters degree this year and pandemic permitting I can have my graduation ceremony for that.
  20. Learn to tie different knots. I can tie a knot, but I can’t tie fancy knots. I don’t even know what a reef knot is.
  21. Visit Cardiff castle. Lived in Barry, worked in Cardiff but I’ve never been inside Cardiff castle!
  22. Visit New York City. I was due to be there on holiday now, I would like to visit before my 50th  if and when the pandemic allows.
  23. Try samphire. It looks like salty grass. I’d like to confirm this in taste.
  24. Write 50 thank you letters to people who have had a positive effect on my life. I don’t tell people enough how much my life is a better place for having them in it. I say it in my head but as most people aren’t telepathic I’ll let them know in letter form.
  25. Watch a sunrise while sat on a beach. I’ve watched a sunrise before but from a hotel balcony, then got straight back into bed, and on buses when having to travel early. I’d like to watch one sat on a beach.
  26. Walk up to the top of the Kymin Hill. I haven’t done this for about fifteen years.
  27. Learn 50 foreign phrases. Not the same phrase, different phrases in different languages.
  28. Paddle in a river. I haven’t paddled in a river since I was little.
  29. Visit Tintern Abbey. It’s only down the road from me but I’ve never walked around it, only seen it from the outside.
  30. Trampoline for a whole hour. Self-explanatory. I did my usual 20 minutes this morning, today was not the day.
  31. Make a sculpture out of baubles. Glue, glitter and gaudy baubles, what’s not to love.
  32. Wear something I wouldn’t normally wear. Either a colour or a style that’s not my usual ‘me’.
  33. Send a message in a bottle. I always wanted to send a message in a bottle but being environmentally aware now I don’t want to throw a bottle into the ocean. Instead I’ll write a message in a mini time capsule and hide it in a tree or in the ground when on my travels.
  34. Try a Sharon fruit. Never tried one, always jealous there isn’t a Naomi fruit. Maybe if I try the Sharon fruit and it’s not nice that jealously will ebb away.
  35. Watch Lord of the Rings. I have never watched LOTR or read the book. I know there are elves and creatures with big feet but feel I should know more.
  36. Adopt an animal at Jersey Zoo. I always visit the zoo when I’m in Jersey as they do great conservation work so I feel I should give more back to them. And I want to be able to say I’m mum to a fruit bat.
  37. Plant something, grow it, and eat it. I used to plant apple pips when I was little, but when apples didn’t appear after a week I’d get bored and lose interest. I’d like to plant some vegetable, tend it, watch it grow, then eat it. Although that sounds quite mercenary.
  38. Try a persimmon. Never tried one.
  39. Keep writing in my gratitude journal. Writing my gratitude’s for the day helps me appreciate how blessed I am. I want to keep this habit up to keep my serenity.
  40. Buy myself flowers once a month. Because I’m worth it. I want to learn to love myself more and be kinder to myself.
  41. Visit Puzzle Wood. Haven’t been since I was a child.
  42. Write a letter to my 60 year old self. A letter to be opened in 10 years-time by me (if still alive) detailing all my hopes and dreams for the next decade.
  43. Try a pomelo. Again, never tried one.
  44. Document my trampoline jogging styles. With photographs, not video. The world isn’t ready for that in depth documentation. (I’m still searching for the best supportive bra.)
  45. Watch the new Star Wars films. I have only watched the original films, but after visiting Walt Disney World and wandering around Star Wars land I feel I should give the new films a try.
  46. Feed alpacas. There is an alpaca farm not too far away from me that do meet and greets with the alpacas, when not in a pandemic. I think that would be cool.
  47. Nurture and not kill a bonsai tree or mini orange tree. My mum is the green fingered person in the family but I’d like to see if I can keep green things alive. I like the daintiness of a bonsai and I love seeing miniature oranges on house plants. I might go crazy and do both.
  48. Update my funeral plans. I’ve had my funeral plan written out since I was fourteen. I’ve updated it a couple of times but it needs to be brought up to date as I have chosen a new funeral song and I don’t want to be wheeled in to the wrong song.
  49. Write a book of my dreams. I jot down my random dreams on Facebook and in notebooks but want to compile them all together. Last night I was being kept bound in a cage by Pepe Le Pew and was force fed whole avocados. It wasn’t pleasant.
  50. Cook a globe artichoke. My autocorrect wanted to change that to architect. I don’t want to cook an architect. I love the look of a globe artichoke but have never eaten one or cooked with one.

Reasons to be my Valentine

Published February 14, 2019 by Naomi Rettig

1. I’d give you my last Rolo. From a multipack. After I’d licked it.

2. No need for a hot water bottle at night. I’m hot. Temperature wise. (This perk is not so perky in the summer months.)

3. I’m not a fussy eater, so you can take me anywhere. But not a steakhouse or a sushi bar. Or a Nandos.

4. I can write you poetry or write you into a story as the hero. But if you annoy me, I will kill you off, fictionally.

5. I make excellent tiramisu.

6. I’m not a good dancer, so you will look fabulous if dancing with me.

7. I can’t run fast. This isn’t a negative point, if we are being chased by zombies or muggers then I will get caught first enabling you to escape.

8. I’m an excellent organiser. Your future holidays will be planned with military precision allowing you to merely relax and enjoy yourself. When scheduled to.

9. I’m a vegetarian so I’m cheap to feed. Although any money saved on meat will probably be reallocated to chocolate or marzipan.

10. I don’t get scared at horror films so can look after you if you do. But I will probably hide behind a door to scare you if you take a trip to the toilet.

11. As a non-drinker I can be your designated driver. Oh, if I could drive that is. But I can still look after you and make sure you get home safe. And draw on your face and take photos.

12. I will take a bullet for you. Not such a grand gesture, having depression I’d take a bullet for anyone. But it’s still a perk worth considering.

13. I give great cuddles. My extra fat layers give added squish. It’s like cuddling the Ghostbusters Stay Puft marshmallow man. But less sticky.

14. You can watch me dancing in my fringed swimsuit to Eurovision. This is a special V.I.P part of the package, never been seen by anyone before. (After seeing once you have the option to opt out of further shows.)

15. You get unfiltered access to my brain. (Again, you do have the option to opt out of this perk.)

Food Songs

Published April 29, 2016 by Naomi Rettig

Songs that were originally based on food.

  1. Little Red Courgette – Prince.
  2. I Will Always Love Stew – Whitney Houston.
  3. Carrot in the Wind – Elton John.
  4. A Whiter Shade of Kale – Procol Harum.
  5. Smells Like Bean Spirit – Nirvana.
  6. Another One Bites the Crust – Queen.
  7. Korma Chameleon – Culture Club.
  8. Scran – Eminem.
  9. Like a Gherkin – Madonna.
  10. Ice Cream Believer – The Monkees.
  11. Jello -Adele.
  12. Chips Don’t Lie – Shakira.
  13. Wrecking Cawl – Miley Cyrus.
  14. Frying in the Chapel – Elvis Presley.
  15. Spice Oddity – David Bowie.
  16. You Can’t Curry Love – The Supremes.
  17. Soupsudio – Phil Collins.
  18. Living on the Veg – Aerosmith.
  19. Livin’ on a Pear – Bon Jovi.
  20. Dancing in the Quark – Bruce Springsteen.
  21. Corn in the USA – Bruce Springsteen.
  22. Where the Sweets Have No Name – U2.
  23. Champagne Peach Pavlova – Oasis.
  24. Back for Pud – Take That.
  25. Can’t Get You Outta My Bread – Kylie Minogue.
  26. Bun – Snow Patrol.
  27. You Can’t Always Get a Croissant – The Rolling Stones.
  28. Fry me a Liver – Justin Timberlake.
  29. Oops I Did Sugarcane – Britney Spears.
  30. I’m Your Flan – Wham.
  31. Here Comes Chow Mein Again – Eurythmics.
  32. Quorn in my Side – Eurythmics.
  33. Brew – Spandau Ballet.
  34. Union of the Cake – Duran Duran.
  35. Take a Chance on Brie – Abba.
  36. Chilli Bean – Michael Jackson.
  37. Mango in the Night – Fleetwood Mac.
  38. Made of Scone – The Stone Roses.
  39. Wouldn’t it be Rice – Beach Boys.
  40. The Grape Pretender – Freddie Mercury.
  41. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Zucchini – Timmy Mallett.
  42. Parsnips – Nicki Minaj.
  43. Telegram Ham – T.Rex.
  44. Marmite (Everything’s Alright) – Stevie Wonder.
  45. Wrapture – Blondie.
  46. Sweet Chive O Mine – Guns n’ Roses.
  47. Harlem Truffle – Bob and Earl.
  48. Sultanas of Swing – Dire Straits.
  49. Just Give me a Raisin – Pink.
  50. See Me, Feed Me- The Who.