humour

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My Eurovision 2018 top 10 (ish).

Published May 7, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

1. F.Y.R. Macedonia – Lost and Found by Eye Cue. This song grew on me but is now my favourite. Not completely danceable as there are some floaty moments but when the beat drops I shimmy like a possessed possum on peach schnapps.

2. Cyprus – Fuego by Eleni Foureira. Well, if Shakira’s hips don’t lie, my hips are spilling the beans constantly during this song. Extremely danceable, my hips can’t keep still, and my invisible hula hoop dance move goes into overdrive.

3. Finland – Monsters by Saara Aalto. This song gives my lungs a good work out as I am compelled to belt it out, it makes me feel confident and motivated, who knew a song could do that?

4. Switzerland – Stones by Zibbz. A little bit of soft rock is always going to get a thumbs up with me, so soft rock with a pop vibe gets both my thumbs up. I don’t normally like a female rock voice but this one I do. Gravelly and sexy. I want to be Corinne.

5. Ukraine – Under the Ladder by Melovin. Love this one, kind of has a Rob Thomas feel to it for me, not a brilliant one for dancing to but great tempo, a top train track for me.

6. Moldova – My Lucky Day by DoReDos. This song is just pure Eurovision to me. It reminds me of the little weird ditties they play between songs when we are shown video clips of the countries. Lots of lovely oomph pa moments and musical instruments that are exotic to my ears. Danceable.

7. Austria – Nobody but You by Cesar Sampson. Fabulous voice, like treacle trickling down my legs. Not terribly danceable but great to listen to

8. Belgium – A Matter of Time by Sennek. Fabulous voice, inticing and intoxiacating. The chorus feels like a Bond song and I imagine silhouettes of ladies flowing in and out of focus. Not one to dance to, unless doing a seductive James Bond lady dance, but it gets me lost in it.

9. Czech Republic – Lie to Me by Mikolas Josef. Funky. I do like a muted trumpet. Not great to dance to, unless you want to pretend to be Justin Bieber. This was my original favourite but after each listen it moves down my chart.

10. UK – Storm by SuRie. My favourite UK entry for a long time. I voted for it in the selection stage. A proper belter. I sing along with this like I’m stood on top of a skyscraper (with a safety harness on). I love the way it builds to the chorus and I think SuRie looks like Annie Lennox.

11. Israel – Toy by Netta. Wow. This is certainly different. I can only describe it as hip-hop chicken on crystal meth. Fun and catchy song, and I like the fact when I sing along ‘mudda bucker’ sounds like I’m swearing but I’m not.

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Previous Band Names

Published May 3, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

Lots of bands weren’t doing too well so they changed their names and the rest is history*.

*This may not be true.

1. Stare 281 – Blink 182
2. Warmnap – Coldplay
3. Blind Pantha – Def Leppard
4. Knives n’ Posies – Guns n’ Roses
5. Duke Magenta – King Crimson
6. The Arsonists – The Killers
7. Woodlica – Metallica
8. My Fragrance Free Friendship – My Chemical Romance
9. Uncertainty – No Doubt
10. Coral Curd – Pearl Jam
11. Kings of the Bronze Age – Queens of the Stone Age
12. Gripvelcro – Slipknot
13. Audiolawn – Soundgarden
14. Fat Betty – Thin Lizzy
15. Corduroy Pistol – Velvet Revolver
16. Uh-Oh – A-Ha
17. Brenda’s Basement – Alisha’s Attic
18. Front Avenue Lads – Backstreet Boys
19. Hit for Brows – Bat for Lashes
20. Silver Swot Bicycle Club – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
21. Brownie – Blondie
22. Skinny Malcolm – Boney M
23. Skittling for Pita Bread – Bowling for Soup
24. Empty Bungalow – Crowded House
25. The Fresh Freesias – The Dead Daisies
26. Light Lilac – Deep Purple
27. Dexy’s Midday Walkers – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
28. The Windows – The Doors
29. The Candle Band – Electric Light Orchestra
30. Gas Five – Electric Six
31. Cuddle – Embrace
32. Frankie Goes to Cleethorpes – Frankie Goes to Hollywood
33. Enemy Floods – Friendly Fires
34. Lung – Heart
35. Tootie & The Clownfish – Hootie & The Blowfish
36. Mike and The Osteopaths – Mike and The Mechanics
37. Sulky Greys – Moody Blues
38. Seven Centimeter Screws – Nine Inch Nails
39. Sleet Guard – Snow Patrol
40. Hard Nucleus – Soft Cell
41. Tin Tiger – Steel Panther
42. Moist Thumbs – Sticky Fingers
43. The Stabbers – The Stranglers
44. Pampered Pussies – Stray Cats
45. The Fashion Forum – The Style Council
46. Chit Chat – Talk Talk
47. Beers for Deers – Tears for Fears
48. Creepyview – Terrorvision
49. We Are Postmen – We Are Scientists
50. Pinkworm – Whitesnake

Eighties Original Songs

Published April 7, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

Original 80’s Song Titles before they were changed by the artists to appeal to the mass market.

1. Simply Red – If You Don’t Know Me by Now (you haven’t been paying attention to our conversations you ignorant prat).

2. Fine Young Cannibals – She Drives Me Crazy (when she talks during the football).

3. Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time (I wouldn’t have gone for the cheesecake as your tiramisu looked nicer).

4. Belinda Carlisle – Leave a Light On (as I’ve just watched ‘Halloween’ and I’ve got a loose bladder).

5. Texas – I Don’t Want a Lover (I want a man who does the ironing for me).

6. Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You (unless you keep cooking kippers on a Tuesday).

7. Tiffany – I Think We’re Alone Now (apart from all the voices in my head and my invisible unicorn Neville).

8. Belinda Carlisle – Heaven Is a Place on Earth (called Scunthorpe).

9. Phil Collins – Two Hearts (make you Doctor Who).

10. Cher – I Found Someone (to sort out my plumbing, so take those rubber gloves off).

11. Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up (unless I’m offered a bag of Malteasers).

12. Jackie Wilson – I Get the Sweetest Feeling (when I eat too much fudge).

13. Terence Trent D’Arby – If You Let Me Stay (I’ll put up that shelf you wanted and treat you to a bag of chips).

14. George Michael – I Want Your Sex (but a Mars bar will do if you’re tired).

15. Level 43 – Running in the Family (ended with me, I’m a walker).

16. Robert Palmer – Addicted to Love (and pizza and Haribo sweets).

17. Phyllis Nelson – Move Closer (because you smell of cottage pie and I really want to sniff you).

18. Tears for Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World (except me, I’m a lazy ass and just want to watch Bargain Hunt on TV).

19. Bruce Springsteen – Dancing in the Dark (because I’ve not paid the leccy again).

20. Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (has given me shocking shin splints).

21. Paul Young – Every Time You Go Away (your best friend Laura plays Scrabble and eats pork pies with me).

22. Fine Young Cannibals – Johnny Come Home (your spaghetti hoops are starting to congeal).

23. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called to Say I Love You (and to cadge a lift home because I’ve missed the last bus).

24. Nik Kershaw – Wouldn’t It Be Good (if I was a ginger cat and lived with Mrs. Jones in number 42).

25. Cyndi Lauper – Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun (and a man that does the dusting).

26. Ultravox – Dancing with Tears In My Eyes (because I’ve stubbed my toe yet again on that ugly coffee table).

27. Chaka Khan – Ain’t Nobody (gonna to eat my last Rolo).

28. Siouxsie & The Banshees – Dear Prudence (stop eating the food on my shelf in the fridge or I will wrap your feet in cellophane while you sleep).

29. Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Come on Eileen (that table’s not going to take your weight much longer, and for Gawd’s sake put your boobs away

30. Yazoo – Only You (make me want to throw myself off a stepladder while eating a cactus).

31. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll (sausage rolls, swiss rolls, forward rolls and fat rolls).

32. Human League – Don’t You Want Me (suspended by fraying wool over a shark tank).

33. The Police – Every Little Thing She Does is Magic (apart from Yorkshire puddings, she can’t make those for jack.)

34. Odyssey – Going Back to My Roots (because peroxide prices are extortionate).

35. Abba – One of Us (is an annoying twat and it’s not me).

36. Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough (of you mum’s apple chutney).

37. The Police – Don’t Stand So Close to Me (I had a curry last night).

38. The Nolans – I’m in the Mood for Dancing (but my bunions have other ideas).

39. Blondie – Call Me (if you’re having pizza tonight, but not if you’re having anchovies on it).

40. Prince – Let’s Go Crazy (and have a dessert and the cheeseboard).

41. Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf (so two pasties and a doughnut for me please).

42. Wham – Last Christmas (you didn’t buy me a chocolate orange and I can never forgive you).

43. Queen – Under Pressure (I eat lots of cake and watch the True Movie channel).

44. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again (picking up your socks from the floor, lazy git.)

45. The Cure – Pictures of You (make me want to vomit and I use them on my dart board).

46. Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar on Me (as I’m having a hypo and my insulin’s not kicking in).

47. ACDC – Back in Black (because I’ve eaten too many Easter eggs and my backside is the size of Luxemburg).

48. Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (unless my passport doesn’t come back because I left it late as per usual).

49. U2 – Where the Streets Have No Name (I get a bit lost and have to use my sat nav).

50. Bros – I Owe You Nothing (apart from maybe that 10p I borrowed in 1984 for a Curly Wurly).

Another Year Older

Published January 31, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

Another year older and what have I done?
I’ve held on to my sanity and had lots of fun.
I went to a boot camp and did a zip wire,
Screaming so much like my ass was on fire.
I went to a film set and had my throat slit,
It looked really gory but didn’t hurt one bit.
Inglorious in concert and Wayward Sons too,
Electric Six was a blast, and Dick Valentine, woo!
The Emmerdale weekend was of course a highlight,
If I ever missed that my year wouldn’t seem right.
Met Michael Madsen at London Comic Con,
A chat with him and my legs were gone.
I went to a wedding that was full of romance,
I felt all happy and in a love trance.
I relaxed in Jersey with walks along the beach
And got mugged by a seagull with the loudest screech.
I left my job as it was getting a strain,
Went back to my old one for the sake of my brain.
Book number four was hot off the press.
And I ate too much fudge, I must confess.
I met lots of new friends to add to the collection,
I really do have such a wonderful selection.
If this following year is even half as much fun
I’ll be a bouncy, jolly, happy bun*.

*Unless I meet Judd Nelson, where I’ll spontaneously combust,
And drift of in the atmosphere like sparkly purple dust.

Post-Christmas

Published January 1, 2018 by Naomi Rettig

As I laze here in post-Christmas slump
I’m drinking coffee via a pump.
I look like I’ve eaten an inflated space hopper,
I could explode any time, like a giant party popper.

I’ve scoffed so much sugar I’m turning into fudge,
You’ve done the same so please don’t judge.
I need to roll off the sofa and partake in exercise,
But to the muscles in my legs this might be a surprise.

Bring out the salad, it’s time to detox,
My skin’s breaking out like some kind of pox.
A healthy new me will now atone,
Oh, look over there, some rogue Toblerone.

Mugged by a seagull, named Steven.

Published November 4, 2017 by Naomi Rettig

I set off for a challenging two-mile coastal walk. Probably not challenging for most people, but this was involving climbing up high then descending onto a beautiful deserted bay that can only be accessed on foot, a challenge for me. It was scary at some points as the wind was up, would I get blown over the cliff tops? Would my knees cope with the steep drop down? Would my phone get signal to phone the coastguard if I couldn’t climb back up out of the bay? And if not how long would my hotel biscuits, that I’d packed in my bag for emergencies, last for?

At many points in the walk my little miss negative kept telling me I couldn’t do it. I had to keep reminding myself that I could, and when I couldn’t convince myself I resorted to bribery. ‘If you climb that cliff you can have an ice-cream.’ ‘If you make it down there you can have an ice-cream.’ My inner five-year-old responded to the ice-cream bribe, and I climbed, scrambled, and completed my walk.

Walking back to the bay that I’d started from, all I was thinking about was my ice-cream reward, my prize for being an awesome adventurer. Guilt free too as my Fitbit was telling me that I’d burnt eight hundred calories on my walk. I was a smug adventurer. I felt epic.

At the ice-cream kiosk I requested one scoop of rum and raisin. The lady asked if I wanted a flake in that. Feeling like I’d trekked from outer Peru, I declared, still smugly, that yes, I would like to have a flake in that. That was my mistake right there. Floored by a flake.

Holding my ice-cream in my hand, like an Olympic torch, I started strolling off towards a bench along the promenade. I was going to take a deserved seat, relax in the tranquil setting, and savour my rum and raisin heaven. I was going to do that, but that never happened.

My mugging happened so fast. I felt a smack on my head, a blackness in front of my face, and my ice-cream was snatched from my hand. With my hand still in ice-cream holding pose minus the cone, I realised I’d been attacked by a seagull. The smack on my head was its wing, the blackness in my face was its fat body. I’d screamed loudly when I was hit on the head, which drew the attention of a couple on the beach and two pensioners behind me. I wish my natural reaction hadn’t been a loud scream. I wish I hadn’t drawn attention to what happened next. I have never been so ashamed of myself.

As the seagull lifted the ice-cream, via the flake handle, with its mangy webbed feet, the flake snapped in half. My ice-cream plummeted to the floor, presenting itself at my feet. All the build up to my ice-cream, the longing, the desire, the deservedness, the anticipation, all lay at my feet on a dirty walkway. My emotions exploded at the seagull, still flapping by my head, brandishing half a flake at me. I swore. In public. ‘Bastard!’ I shouted at the seagull. Aggressively. Just as loud as my scream. I was instantly mortified at myself. I’d let myself down.

The intrepid heroic explorer had been replaced with a potty mouthed fishwife. I could feel the pensioners disapproval boring into me. A lady on the beach laughed, then covered her mouth to disguise this. I picked my ice-cream cone up. Taking a tissue from my bag I wiped down my ice-cream to removed traces of the pavement. I then walked to the furthest bench on the beach to eat it. Steven the seagull followed me. Bastard. As I sat on the bench he landed at my feet. I told him ‘you have got to be joking.’ He wasn’t. He stood there, his greedy beady eyes focused purely on my ice-cream. His eyes were indeed on the prize.

So, my image of relaxing to the sounds of the sea while slowly enjoying my rum and raisin ice-cream didn’t materialize. Instead I got mugged by a seagull, swore angrily in public, disappointed some pensioners, and shoved and ice-cream down my throat in world record speed.

The flake was my mistake.

The 12 Days of Christmas, at the Surgery.

Published September 12, 2017 by Naomi Rettig

(to be sung to the tune of ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’)

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My GP gave to me
Twelve happy tablets,
Eleven messy dressings,
Ten asthma puffers,
Nine Mirena coils,
Eight vaccinations,
Seven lifestyle lectures,
Six creams for itching,
Five prostate probes,
Four med reviews,
Three sick bowls,
Two catheters,
And a small pot to fill with pee.