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All posts for the month January, 2015

Change a letter to change the crime show

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Some alternative TV show pitches achieved by just changing one letter of existing UK crime shows.
Agatha Christie’s Marple = Agatha Christie’s Marble. Documentary looking at Agatha’s hidden Italian statue collection in secret vault in Torquay. Hosted by Angelos Epithemiou.
The Body Farm = The Body Fart. Spin off show from Embarrassing Bodies. Dr Christian travels the UK with Joe Pasquale trying to capture the perfect specimen of wind.
Case Histories = Vase Histories. Open University feature showcasing vases of the world and their histories. Presented by Danny Dyer.
Cold Blood = Cold Bloom Reality TV show about the early morning flower markets in Amsterdam, Voiceover by Alan Carr.
Cracker = Fracker. Drama starring Neil Stuke about a man sent into a hostile North East community to carry out fracking for the government.
Crime Traveller = Prime Traveller. Travel show presented by Joan Collins and Johnny Vegas showing only the most luxurious destinations, hotels and travel options.
Death in Paradise = Heath in Paradise. Drama sequel to Wuthering Heights where Heathcliff stops mooning over Cathy and sets sail to Barbados for fun and frolics. Noel Fielding to be Heath.
Foyle’s War = Foyle’s Bar. Cheers style comedy set in the 1950’s when Foyle retires from military life and opens a bar.
Good Cop = Good Cod. Foodie show travelling the UK to find Britain’s best fish and chip shop, hosted by Keith Chegwin.
Law and Order = Jaw and Order. Sitcom starring Jon Richardson about a dentist with chronic OCD.
Line of Duty = Wine of Duty. Period drama about a wine making dynasty and their vineyard. Starring Frazer Hines, Martine McCutcheon and Stephanie Cole.
New Tricks = New Trucks. Top Gear lifestyle show for HGV drivers, presented by Su Pollard and Mickey Flanagan.
Prime Suspect = Price Suspect. Reality TV show following a Trading Standards task force. Voiceover by Bobby Ball.
Ripper Street = Hipper Street. Makeover show where two neighbouring streets compete to be the ‘hipper’ street. Presented by Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, team captains for each street.
The Sweeney = The Tweeney. Reality documentary following CBBC ‘star’ Milo as he leaves The Tweenies and tries his hand at stand-up comedy in working men’s clubs up north. Commentary by Sean Lock.
Silk = Sulk. Supernanny Jo Frost and Vinny Jones take on Britain’s most troublesome teenagers in a boot camp in West Wales.
Vera = Verb. Do you know your verbs from your adjectives? A grammar quiz show hosted by Jimmy Nail.
Waking the Dead = Waking the Head. Comedy about a narcoleptic teacher. Starring David Morrissey and Coleen Nolan.
Waking the Dead = Baking the Dead. Cooking for cannibals. Hosted by Anne Diamond.
Wire in the Blood = Fire in the Blood. Drama about a family of fire fighters. Starring Martin Kemp, Emmett J Scanlan and Danny Young.

The Silent Place

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Fresh flowers of pink and purple delight my eyes,
Soothing scent, aromatherapy for the soul.
Silent figures cluster closer saying goodbyes
Full of raw emotion but showing self-control.

Ghosts waltzing through fresh dew with an elegant grace,
Lovers, re-joined, time is no longer their keeper,
Free to celebrate joy in eternal embrace
After having fought then welcoming the reaper.

Weathered headstones submerging like abandoned ships
Tilting at harsh angles, pleading to be redeemed.
Black crows like mourners survey from up high on crypts
Judging stern over souls that were not what they seemed.

Fate and disease, war heroes’ forgotten glories.
All of humanity lies beneath, now at peace.
Study the headstones and imagine their stories,
Young and old taken too soon or blessed release.

Come to my silent place, my time stopping haven
Where thoughts unfurl from flowing stream to tranquil lake,
Here my worries and fears are laid bare and shaven
And stillness encircles me with comforting ache.

I’ll wait in my silent place serenely for you,
No need to rush as time is my gentle friend here,
I will wait until you are ready to come through
And hold you so closely to smother all your fear.

Strength

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

I am a bending twig refusing to snap,
I am tenacious waves pummelling rocks,
I am a temperate tide chaperoning you to shore.

I am a fleecy quilt to keep you warm,
I am a refreshing breeze to cool you,
I am a moonlit sky illuminating your way home.

I am you, you are stronger than you think.
Believe in me and have faith in yourself.
I am a comforting hand squeezing tight to remind you.

The Cafe

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

The hiss of the steamer spits like a snake
As the café and staff start to awake.
Grinding of beans and coffee aromas,
Shuffling shoppers emerge from their comas.
The scraping chairs of coming and going,
Satisfied customers ever flowing.

The chef in the kitchen in a flurry
Cooking up soup, a toastie and curry.
It’s all out action at pot-wash station,
Sauce smeared plates and dehydration.
A cry of ‘spoons’ as they vanish out front,
A quick foot assistant goes on a hunt.

Chatter of people enjoying their food
Drinking Earl Grey tea, freshly brewed.
Wonderful staff remaining so cheerful
Even when queues are so long and fearful.
When crowds have gone and the day is complete
Body parts ache like an Olympic athlete.

When I am old

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

When I am old I shall have candyfloss hair,
Dyed pink and permed looking fresh from the fair.
I shall ride in a chair as I won’t want to walk
And take out my teeth when I don’t want to talk.
I’ll pretend to be deaf when people are boring,
Fall asleep at parties with very loud snoring.
I shall wear bright red lipstick on my lips
And for breakfast eat three walnut whips.
I shall have cocktails on Saturday nights
Wearing pink and purple stripy tights.
I shall have six or eight cats for company
And enjoy a paddle in the winter sea.
When I am old I shall sleep ‘til noon
And embrace my body that looks like a prune.

Wanted

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

I’m looking for my knight in shining armour
On a trusty steed or rusty llama,
Taller than me
I’d like him to be,
Job unimportant be it scholar or farmer.

I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humour
Who will grow on me, but not like a tumour,
That likes me for me
Not just what they see,
Not bothered that my skin feels like a Satsuma.

I’m looking for a man who likes to play scrabble,
Who’ll listen intently when I start to babble,
A film buff? Yes please,
Go slow when I wheeze,
Who likes cosy nights in away from the rabble.

I’m looking for a man who’s honest and true,
Someone who makes an effort to woo,
Who sends me flowers,
Calls things ‘ours’
And happy to spend time at a castle or zoo.

I’m looking for a man so very unique,
Someone who’s hunky, rotund or a geek,
Eyes blue, green or brown,
A smile not a frown,
Someone quite normal, had enough of the freaks!

Used

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Lyrically challenged I lie in bed
Thoughts of you are clouding my head.
I want to tell you how I feel
But to you I’m no big deal.
I want to hold you every night
Safe and warm and snuggled up tight,
To your every need I’d tend
But to you I’m just a friend.
A friend who’s there for you when you call
Someone to talk to when you fall,
Someone to sleep with when you’re bored
Inbetween girls or else ignored.
I guess I’m hoping you’ll fall for me
Open your eyes and really see
How special I am, loving and true
Here all the time, waiting for you.
Deep down I know the reality
I’ll stay a doormat while you use me,
Then one day when you meet ‘the one’
Our friendship will end, finished, done.

Thinking of You

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Thinking of you makes my heart flutter,
Makes me walk into walls and act like a nutter.
Thinking of you is a wonderful way
To make me smiley and happy all day.

Thinking of you makes my tummy turn over,
You’re a luckier find than a four leaf clover.
Thinking of you makes the sun shine brighter
And fluffy white clouds seem much whiter.

Thinking of you makes me drift away
To deep blue sea and a golden bay.
Thinking of you makes me want you so much,
I long for a kiss and your tender touch.

Hoping

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

You make me smile and brighten my day,
Turn my world silver instead of grey.
I dream of holding you close and tight,
Thinking of you makes my world alright.

We’ve not met, yet my feelings are strong,
What if we meet and it all goes wrong,
Maybe the magic will disappear,
You won’t find me attractive I fear.

I’ve got hopes high and fingers crossed
That my love for you will not be lost
And when we meet we get on great
Finding, at last, my true soul mate.

The One

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

I want to tell you how I feel
But I’m scared you’ll run away,
I long to hold you in my arms,
In a long embrace we’ll stay.

I’ve admired you from a distance
Smiling at you from afar,
In the dark night sky of my life
You are my shimmering star.

I smile so much thinking of you
And feel a warm glow inside,
It would make my life so complete
With you right here by my side.