All posts tagged celebrity

Celebrity Seaside Shenanigans

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Belinda Carlisle is wearing a scuffed lobster costume and singing ‘Rock lobster’ to herself in the corner of the amusement arcade. She grumbles to the coin attendant that she should have been in the B-52’s. The coin attendant just ignores her and carries on eating her fish paste sandwich. Crumbs fall silently to the floor.
Fish from Marillion is singing ‘Broken Wings’. He doesn’t realise its Mr Mister’s song and not his. He is sat on the end of the pier wearing a giant rubber fish outfit. It’s a cod. When he sings ‘take these broken wings and make them fly again’ he flaps his little fins. He thinks they are wings. It’s all very pitiful.
Terence Trent D’Arby is hiding in an arcade claw machine wearing a squeaky puffer fish outfit as a disguise. He hums ‘Never gonna give you up’ as he tampers with the claw. He really is never going to give up those prizes.
Axl Rose is hanging around the candyfloss stall, again. He’s dressed as a mermaid and combs his long locks coyly. His outfit has five scales missing and doesn’t quite fit so you can see his trainers poking out from under his tail. He is annoying the candyfloss man as he sings ‘Pour some sugar on me’ every time a candyfloss is made.
Andrew Ridgeley is shuffling slowly around the deckchair hire singing ‘Don’t you forget about me’. He tries to get a conga going but no one will join in. This makes him very sad and gentle tears roll down his eel costume, glistening in the last sunlight of the day.
Midge Ure is crabbing in a crab pool. He’s dressed in a crab outfit as he thinks this will attract crabs to him like a crab magnet. The crab outfit is too new and shiny though so the crabs aren’t fooled. He quietly sings ‘I think we’re alone now’ to coax them out. They are not having it.
Morten Harket is fishing. His starfish costume is hampering his cast out with his rod though as his pointy bits keep catching the line. This doesn’t dampen his enthusiasm though. He hums ‘Fade to grey’ as he repeatedly casts out. If only he had put some bait on the line. Oh Morten, you are a silly starfish.
Bono is hiding behind the doughnut stand. He’s getting a complex when people shout ‘doughnut’. He thinks they are shouting at him. His rusty orange anchor outfit is the identical colour to the doughnut stand so people can’t see him but can hear his voice singing ‘Alone’ as he blends in chameleon like.
KC and the Sunshine Band have taken over the carousel. KC is flamboyantly riding a resin horse while the Sunshine Band are all squished into a fire engine carriage. It’s not helping that they are all dressed as rabbits as the extra inches of fluffy tails have wedged everyone in too tight. They are singing ‘People are strange’, aimed loudly at KC as they want to be The Bunnymen but KC doesn’t want to be Echo.
The faint sound of Elvis Costello singing ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’ wafts across the beach as he scans his metal detector over the brown sand. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for though so he might be a while. His shell costume is slightly too big and it’s chaffing him in unmentionable places. This is not the shell suit he had in mind.
Nik Kershaw is dressed as an octopus. Some of his suckers are missing. They are still stuck to the window of Starbucks from when he threw himself at it in protest for their tax avoidance. He’s racing alongside the donkey rides while singing ‘Nothing’s gonna stop us now’. The donkeys are not impressed. Neither is the owner who is disturbed by Nik’s tentacles.
The Thompson Twins have hi-jacked the Punch and Judy tent. They have tied up the puppets and have dressed as Punch and Judy themselves. They are arguing over the string of sausages and are both humming ‘Never ending story’ through gritted teeth as they know subconsciously that neither will give in. That’s not the way to do it.
Salt n Pepa are in witness protection. They have changed their names to Mayo and Mustard and run a mobile chip van by the beach. They dress as seagulls to scare away real seagulls swooping in for their chips. It works. They sing ‘Jump’. They think this is more exciting than pushing it.
Dave Lee Roth wanders aimlessly around the beach car park singing ‘Drive’. His whale outfit has a cardboard fin, made out of a cereal box, attached to it as he thinks he’s more of a shark than a whale. The sellotape attaching it is losing its stickiness though and flaps in the wind. Dave sings louder to cover the noise of this.
Carol Decker is disguised as a chip. She is bird-watching and believes this will attract the birds to her. It’s only attracting pesky seagulls though so she is annoyed with herself. She sings ‘Manic Monday’. She always wanted to be in The Bangles. She desperately wants to see a lesser spotted tit.
Paul Hardcastle sweeps the aisles in the bingo hall. He is not paid to do this, the staff just ignore him as he is harmless enough. He wears a turtle costume. He always wanted to be a mutant ninja turtle so he has tied a pink ribbon around his head to pretend he is. As he sweeps he quietly mumbles the words to ‘The final countdown’ until the bingo caller shouts out 19 and then he bursts into his single of the same title. He wonders why he hasn’t sung it for a while. He doesn’t realise the number nineteen ball has been removed from play.
Marc Almond is now selling ice-creams. He has his own little booth and goes by the name of Mr Pistachio. Not being one to conform he is not dressed as a pistachio but as a lighthouse. He is very proud of his flashing light that rotates around his head. He’s thrilled when customers ‘ooh’ at him. He sings the song ‘Vienna’ but changes it to ‘Viennetta’. This amuses him greatly.
Grace Jones floats on her back in the sea. She has removed the fin from her shark outfit as she wants to soften her image. She could swap with Dave Lee Roth for his whale costume but they are still not speaking following a vol-au-vent incident in 1993. She hums ‘It’s raining men’ while looking up at the sky hopefully and paddling her hands aimlessly.
Yazz is whizzing by on a yellow pedalo, trying not to splash Grace Jones. Her jellyfish costume trails in the water as she sings ‘Together in electric dreams’. She is supposed to be meeting up with the plastic population but is having far too much fun and has lost track of time. Oh Yazz, you are naughty.
Fergal Sharkey scrapes barnacles from the boat hire boats with a soup spoon. He is not paid to do this but does it when the boat owner goes to lunch. He is wearing his seahorse outfit back to front but has made holes for his arms to poke through. He whistles ‘the way it is’ as he chisels away with his spoon.
Robert Smith is annoying the balloon seller by singing ’99 red balloons’ and dancing in a provocative manner in a bright pink dolphin suit. The balloon seller keeps pointing out that he doesn’t have 99 red balloons but Robert just doesn’t care as he’s enjoying himself too much.

Change a letter to change the crime show

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Some alternative TV show pitches achieved by just changing one letter of existing UK crime shows.
Agatha Christie’s Marple = Agatha Christie’s Marble. Documentary looking at Agatha’s hidden Italian statue collection in secret vault in Torquay. Hosted by Angelos Epithemiou.
The Body Farm = The Body Fart. Spin off show from Embarrassing Bodies. Dr Christian travels the UK with Joe Pasquale trying to capture the perfect specimen of wind.
Case Histories = Vase Histories. Open University feature showcasing vases of the world and their histories. Presented by Danny Dyer.
Cold Blood = Cold Bloom Reality TV show about the early morning flower markets in Amsterdam, Voiceover by Alan Carr.
Cracker = Fracker. Drama starring Neil Stuke about a man sent into a hostile North East community to carry out fracking for the government.
Crime Traveller = Prime Traveller. Travel show presented by Joan Collins and Johnny Vegas showing only the most luxurious destinations, hotels and travel options.
Death in Paradise = Heath in Paradise. Drama sequel to Wuthering Heights where Heathcliff stops mooning over Cathy and sets sail to Barbados for fun and frolics. Noel Fielding to be Heath.
Foyle’s War = Foyle’s Bar. Cheers style comedy set in the 1950’s when Foyle retires from military life and opens a bar.
Good Cop = Good Cod. Foodie show travelling the UK to find Britain’s best fish and chip shop, hosted by Keith Chegwin.
Law and Order = Jaw and Order. Sitcom starring Jon Richardson about a dentist with chronic OCD.
Line of Duty = Wine of Duty. Period drama about a wine making dynasty and their vineyard. Starring Frazer Hines, Martine McCutcheon and Stephanie Cole.
New Tricks = New Trucks. Top Gear lifestyle show for HGV drivers, presented by Su Pollard and Mickey Flanagan.
Prime Suspect = Price Suspect. Reality TV show following a Trading Standards task force. Voiceover by Bobby Ball.
Ripper Street = Hipper Street. Makeover show where two neighbouring streets compete to be the ‘hipper’ street. Presented by Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, team captains for each street.
The Sweeney = The Tweeney. Reality documentary following CBBC ‘star’ Milo as he leaves The Tweenies and tries his hand at stand-up comedy in working men’s clubs up north. Commentary by Sean Lock.
Silk = Sulk. Supernanny Jo Frost and Vinny Jones take on Britain’s most troublesome teenagers in a boot camp in West Wales.
Vera = Verb. Do you know your verbs from your adjectives? A grammar quiz show hosted by Jimmy Nail.
Waking the Dead = Waking the Head. Comedy about a narcoleptic teacher. Starring David Morrissey and Coleen Nolan.
Waking the Dead = Baking the Dead. Cooking for cannibals. Hosted by Anne Diamond.
Wire in the Blood = Fire in the Blood. Drama about a family of fire fighters. Starring Martin Kemp, Emmett J Scanlan and Danny Young.