All posts tagged cat

My Cat Wants to Kill Me

Published March 29, 2020 by Naomi Rettig

My cat wants to kill me,
I know this is true.
He’s been plotting a while now,
His plans are not new.

He leapt on my shoulders
At the top of the stair,
Dug his claws in my neck
And mauled me like a bear.

I survived the steep fall
And he slunk away
Thinking of more evil ways
To get rid of his prey.

He opened my fridge
Threw up in my butter,
‘I hate you human’
I heard him mutter.

He pooped in my shoe
Just before I went out.
It was still warm and sticky,
My heart nearly gave out.

He smothered my face
While I tried to sleep,
Gasping for breath
I started to weep.

He lay under my bed
Waiting for my feet.
I walked past at speed
He pounced at fresh meat.

He drew blood with his claws
And sent me flying,
Now he’s licking his balls
While I lie here dying.



Published January 14, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Fat cat Boris lying out in the sun
Taking time out from frolics and fun,
Dreaming of hunting down birds and mice,
Cute little voles are his gourmet vice.
If solar powered he’d shine all day
Lighting the neighbourhood June to May.
He stores up cuddles from passers by,
A grin on his face as big as a pie.
Tummy rubs are his favourite pleasures
High on his list of his all time treasures,
But top of that list is when home in bed
He’s curled up snug with his cuddly Ted.