All posts tagged amusing

Thinking of You

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Thinking of you makes my heart flutter,
Makes me walk into walls and act like a nutter.
Thinking of you is a wonderful way
To make me smiley and happy all day.

Thinking of you makes my tummy turn over,
You’re a luckier find than a four leaf clover.
Thinking of you makes the sun shine brighter
And fluffy white clouds seem much whiter.

Thinking of you makes me drift away
To deep blue sea and a golden bay.
Thinking of you makes me want you so much,
I long for a kiss and your tender touch.


Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

O let me wake up nice and slim
It is my goal to be so trim,
I’d like to have no cellulite,
This alas not my only plight.
I’d like to be four sizes smaller
Or at least two foot taller.
I want to wear a skimpy thong
Without it looking oh so wrong.
I want to have more get up and go
Not a backache that screams ‘oh no’.
I need to make these few stones budge
And invent a fruit that tastes like fudge!

Patterns in my bath

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

The patterns in my bath
Look like a leopard,
All mottled and swirly
Like a drunken shepherd.
If I move my legs
A tiger appears,
Straighter and stripy
As if you’ve had less beers.
It all merges together
When I go under,
Like a flock of flamingos
Hiding from thunder,
But when I get out
(Now this bit sounds mad)
I look below me
And there’s a map of Baghdad.

More Than

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

I love you more than peppermint Aeros
And the treasures of the Pharohs,
More than fresh morning dew
And tiramisu.

I love you more than Turkish delight
And watching the sun set late at night,
More than flowers in spring
And a diamond ring.

I love you more than pussycat noses
And a huge bunch of pink and white roses,
More than Thorntons toffee
And milky coffee.

I love you more than the Easter bunny
And little stripy bees making honey,
More than stars in the sky
And black cherry pie.

Help the Homeless

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Help the homeless
They’re not front page news,
Don’t give them money
As they’ll spend it on booze.
Give them some food
Like a nice Cornish pasty,
Check they’re not vegetarian
Or they might turn nasty.
A tartan blanket or a hand held fan,
A selection of photos of Duran Duran,
A squeaky toy for the dog by their side,
With a sorrowful look like his mum’s just died,
Some soap on a rope, so they can smell nice,
Lavender or rose but not edelweiss,
A tambourine so that they can busk,
Some crunchy ryvitas
Or a banana rusk.
A pretty hat for collecting their cash,
Something homemade though
Nothing too flash.
So help the homeless when out one day
Then go and put your feet up
With a box of milk tray.

For You

Published January 14, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

For you I would catch a falling star
While swimming a lake of chocolate tar,
A lake as deep as an ocean blue
Because my love for you is true.

For you I would slice the silver moon
While climbing a hill in the middle of June,
A hill as high as Mount Everest
Because you are the very best.

For you I would light the midnight sky
While floating on a cloud as I pass by,
A cloud as frothy as cappuccino coffee
Because you’re yummier than Thorntons toffee.

For you I would dig for diamonds and jewels
While skating on ice and fending off ghouls,
Ice sparklingly clear as first morning dew
Simply because I love you.


Published January 14, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

You’re an uncaring bastard and smell of piss,
You repulse me so much when you try to kiss,
You slur your words and repeat yourself over,
I want to shove you off the white cliffs of Dover.

You’re a waste of space and a loss of good air,
I’d like to see you savaged by a wild bear.
You should be castrated so you can’t reproduce,
Your balls chopped and blended, made into a mousse.

You’re a selfish drunk, a disgusting freak,
I want to beat your head with an oversized leek.
I hope one day to hear of your sad demise,
As if you hadn’t guessed, it’s you I despise.