random

All posts in the random category

Lesser Known Disappointing Book Sequels

Published November 22, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

1. The Portrait of a Lady – The Selfie of a Ladette
2. Cold Mountain – Chilly Hill
3. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café – Baked Red Peppers at the Hum Go Tearoom
4. Three Men in a Boat – Five Men in a Canoe
5. The Thirty Nine Steps – The Forty Steps
6. Brave New World – Cowardly Old World
7. The Quiet American – The Noisy Canadian
8. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – The Retirement of Miss Jean Brodie
9. Catch 22 – Catch 23
10. Far From The Madding Crowd – In the Midst of a Quiet Gathering
11. P.S. I Love You – P.P.S. Divorce Papers are in the Post
12. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – The Lion, the Witch, and the Sideboard
13. The Very Hungry Caterpillar – The Full Up Butterfly
14. The Grapes of Wrath – The Sultanas of Anger
15. Life of Pi – Death of Quiche
16. Lord of the Rings – Lord of the Bangles
17. Little Women – Bigger Women
18. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy – Hitchhikers Guide to the Toblerone
19. Wuthering Heights – Wuthering Lows
20. The Da Vinci code – The Pollock Code
21. The Picture of Dorian Gray – The Snapchat of Dorian Gray
22. Lord of the Flies – Duke of the Spiders
23. Fahrenheit 451 – Celsius 15
24. Trainspotting – Buswatching
25. Of Mice and Men – Of Gerbils and Girls
26. The Lovely Bones – The Quite Nice Veins
27. Middlemarch – Endstroll
28. Catcher in the Rye – Tosser in the Wheat
29. The Firm – The Wobbly
30. Watership Down – Fireboat Up
31. Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Lunch at Bianca’s
32. Great Expectations – Mild Assumptions
33. The Secret Life of Bees – The Exhibitionist Life of Wasps
34. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil – Midday in the Allotment of Shallots and Chives
35. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time – The Mundane Appearance of the Cat in the Day Time
36. Lonesome Dove – Popular Pigeon
37. In Cold Blood – In Warm Saliva
38. And Then There Were None – And Then There Were a Few More Found
39. A Walk to Remember – A Jog to Forget
40. Eat, Pray, Love – Starve, Swear, Loathe
41. It – That
42. The Virgin Suicides – The Loose Women Murders
43. Heart of Darkness – Liver of Light
44. Oliver Twist – Oliver Jive
45. Flowers in the Attic – Potpourri in the Basement
46. David Copperfield – David Silvermeadow
47. Shogun – Hideknife
48. A Room With a View – A Back Bedroom With No Windows
49. The Neverending Story – The End of the Story
50. Girl with a Pearl Earring – Woman with a Pearl Necklace
51. The Velveteen Rabbit – The Velcro Hedgehog
52. I, Robot – You, Human
53. The Secret – The Well Known Fact
54. A Streetcar Named Desire – A Pushbike Named Passion
55. Roots – Split Ends
56. The House of Spirits – The Apartment of Soft Drinks
57. The Cider House Rules – The Gin Shed Anarchy
58. The Green Mile – The Purple Kilometre
59. Never let me Go – F**k Off
60. Howl’s Moving Castle – Howl’s Static Caravan

Terry, Maude and Me – The Right Funeral

Published June 23, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

INT. TAXI. DAY.

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY ARE SAT ON THE BACKSEAT OF A TAXI, CHARLEY IS IN THE MIDDLE. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN BLACK, CHARLEY IS IN A TROUSER SUIT, PLAIN BLOUSE, FLAT SHOES AND FUR HAT, MAUDE IS IN A TIGHT PENCIL SKIRT SUIT, FRILLY BLOUSE, STILETTOS AND TINY PILL BOX HAT WITH VEIL, TERRY IS IN A SUIT, TUXEDO T-SHIRT AND CONVERSE TRAINERS WITH MESSY HAIR.

TERRY
We’re going to be late, going back to change your hat was foolish.

MAUDE
Darling a French navy hat with a black suit is foolish. Charley made the right decision.

TERRY
It looked ok.

MAUDE
Looked ok? We don’t want Charley to go out looking just ok.

CHARLEY
I am here.

TAXI DRIVER LOOKS IN REAR VIEW MIRROR, SEEING ONLY CHARLEY SAT THERE.

TAXI DRIVER
What’s that love?

CHARLEY
Oh, nothing. Sorry, thinking aloud.

TAXI DRIVER LOOKS BACK TO ROAD AND CARRIES ON WITH HIS DRIVING.

MAUDE
Remember to talk to us telepathically poppet. People get funny when you talk out loud to us. We’re your voices in your head and no one else’s.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I know, I know. But my lips forget sometimes.

TERRY
You could have just not worn the hat, I don’t think people do hats at funerals anymore.

MAUDE
I don’t think we need to take fashion advice from someone wearing a tuxedo t-shirt to a funeral.

TERRY
I feel I’ve made quite an effort, I could be sat here in pyjamas.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) You both look very smart. Thank you Terry for not wearing your pyjamas. Maude, thank you for being a part of the hat brigade. And I like my hat, I think it makes me look Russian.

TERRY
It doesn’t. You look ridiculous.

MAUDE
Don’t be mean.

TERRY
OK, you don’t look ridiculous if you are trying to capture the ‘I’m wearing a dead cat on my head’ look. If that’s what you were trying to achieve you have succeeded marvellously.

MAUDE
That’s not any better.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) It’s OK Maude, Terry’s entitled to his opinion.

TERRY
I’m surprised Pablo hasn’t hidden some vodka in your Russian cat hat to liven up today, funerals can be so dull.

MAUDE
Is Pablo going to be with us today?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No. I’ve told him it’s a serious day today not a party day.

MAUDE
Sorry Charley, this isn’t a nice day for you.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Its ok, I didn’t really know my great aunt did I. I just thought it would be a shame if no family turned up. I don’t know any of her friends if she had any or if they’ll turn up.

MAUDE
Well at least you’ll have us with you for moral support. You’re not on your own poppet.

TERRY
Technically Maude she is physically on her own.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Thank you both for your unwavering support.

TERRY
Sarcasm alert.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, I really don’t know how I would get through my days without your positivity and sunshiny smile Terry.

TERRY
You are definitely being sarcastic aren’t you?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes.

THE TAXI PULLS UP IN FRONT OF CHURCH GATES.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) This is it.

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY CLIMB OUT OF THE TAXI, CHARLEY PAYS THE TAXI DRIVER AND HE DRIVES OFF.

EXT. OUTSIDE CHURCH. DAY.

TERRY
I thought St Stephens was the church by the river?

MAUDE
No, no, this is St Stephens, look (indicates sign). There’s a lot of people going in, she must have had more friends than you thought Charley.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Blimey, I thought I might be the only one here.

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY WALK UP THE PATH TO THE CHURCH ENTRANCE, PEOPLE ARE GOING IN AND A VICAR IS AT THE CHURCH DOOR.

TERRY
It’s probably all the staff and other residents of her care home filling it up, a day trip out and a buffet brings out the vultures.

MAUDE
Terry!

TERRY
What? It’s true. The mere whiff of a sausage on a stick and the Zimmer frames speed up. I’ve witnessed a fight over who has the last cheese and pineapple on a stick previously. Carnage.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Let’s try and avoid carnage today please. And yes Terry, that’s aimed more at you than Maude.

MAUDE
(Smiling smugly) Ooh look, a lady vicar, how lovely and modern.

TERRY
Is she a vicar or a vicaress?

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY STOP WHEN THEY REACH THE VICAR AT THE DOOR.

VICAR
Hello there!

CHARLEY
Hello, I’m Charley. Charley Watson

VICAR
Yes, hello.

CHARLEY
I’m here for my great aunt Doris’s funeral?

VICAR
Oh! Wonderful! Well, not wonderful that it’s your great aunts funeral but wonderful that you are here. I didn’t realise she had any family.

CHARLEY
Ah yes, I hadn’t seen her since I was little but when I heard that she had died, well, I thought I’d better come and see her off.

TERRY
Come and see her off? She’s not going on a cruise.

CHARLEY
I mean come and say goodbye.

VICAR
Wonderful, she should be any moment, there’s a traffic hold up on the ring road, go on in and sit down. (SHE TURNS TO INSIDE THE DOOR) John. (JOHN POPS OUT OF THE DOORWAY) John is anyone sat on the front row?

JOHN
Just Mrs Parsons.

VICAR
Wonderful. Show Charley here to the front row seating please.

CHARLEY
Thank you.

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY FOLLOW JOHN INTO THE CHURCH.

INT. CHURCH. DAY.

THE PEWS ARE FULL OF ELDERLY PEOPLE AND A FEW CARERS. CHARLEY, MAUDE AND TERRY WALK SLOWLY DOWN THE AISLE BEHIND JOHN.

MAUDE
Crikey she’s a bit jolly for a funeral, imagine what she’s like at a wedding!

TERRY
Like a grandma on crystal meth.
MAUDE GLARES AT TERRY.
Front row seats, do we get popcorn or choc ices?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Behave, people don’t eat during funerals.

TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY REACH THE FRONT PEW, JOHN INDICATES TO IT THEN EXITS BACK UP THE AISLE. MRS PARSONS IS SAT IN THE FRONT PEW SWATHED IN PINK CRIMPLENE EATING A BAG OF JELLY BABIES.

TERRY
Someone didn’t get the memo.

MRS PARSONS BITES THE HEAD OFF A JELLY BABY AND CHEWS IT OPEN-MOUTHED WHILE STARING AT CHARLEY.

TERRY
I didn’t know your great aunt knew Barbara Cartland.

CHARLEY, TERRY AND MAUDE SQUEEZE PAST MRS PARSONS AND SIT DOWN. CHARLEY SMILES AT MRS PARSONS. MRS PARSONS CONTINUES CHEWING JELLY BABIES OPEN MOUTHED.

MAUDE
(LOOKING AROUND) Fascinating. It’s like a museum of fashion over the decades.

TERRY
With the amount of polyester and hairspray in here we could go up at any moment. It’s a good job it’s not a cremation, one loose ember from a furnace and whoosh. Especially Barbara sat next to you. I wonder how flammable jelly babies are.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Stop it. Have a look at the programme and keep quiet. (SHE PICKS UP THE PAMPHLET ON THE PEW)

TERRY
It’s not a programme, we’re not at the theatre. Unfortunately. We could be watching A Comedy of Errors, that’s on at The Sherman Theatre.

CHARLEY IS FROWNING AT THE OPEN PAMPHLET IN HER HANDS.

MAUDE
What’s wrong Charley?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) This biography, it doesn’t seem right, I don’t know any of these facts about her life. (SHE TURNS TO THE BACK PAGE WHERE THERE IS A PHOTO) Sweet Jesus.

TERRY
(LOOKING AROUND) Where?

MAUDE
Not the most flattering photo is it poppet. Bad camera angle. And a chunky neck like that shouldn’t wear a choker.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, it’s not the photo that’s wrong. That’s not Doris.

MAUDE
Yes, (POINTS TO NAME BELOW PHOTO) Doris Wilson.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) My great aunt was Doris Watson.

MAUDE
Are you sure?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes I’m sure!

TERRY
This is priceless.

MAUDE
Did she marry again? Change her name?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, she never got married, she was always Doris Watson. And that’s not her.

MAUDE
Oh. Well that’s good, you won’t have inherited this ladies shocking genetic aging. Your neck isn’t fated to end up like this.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No it’s not good, we’re in the wrong funeral.

TERRY
I can confirm that this is not good. We could be watching a Comedy of Errors but instead we are in a Comedy of Errors.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I’m failing to see the comedy myself.

MAUDE
Its ok poppet, we’ll leave now and you can explain to the vicar on the way out.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Ok.

TERRY
(STANDS UP AND STEPS INTO AISLE) Do we have a plan B?

MAUDE
Why?

TERRY
The wrong Doris’s coffin is coming down the aisle. And I don’t want to sound rude but there isn’t any room for you to squeeze past it Charley.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No! What am I going to do?

MAUDE
Go along with it.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) What?

TERRY
Disaster alert.

MAUDE
Well if your Doris is being buried at eleven at the St Stephens by the river you’ll never make it in time so just pretend this is her and leave straight after.

COFFIN IS WHEELED PAST WITH A SQUEAKY WHEEL BY JOHN AND PLACED IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION FOLLOWED BY THE VICAR.

CHARLEY
Oh god

TERRY
Ditto that.

VICAR
We are gathered here today to say goodbye to our friend Doris, a lively member of our community who touched the hearts of all she met. We have her great niece Charley with us today and I was wondering if she would be kind enough to come up here and say a few words for us. (SHE LOOKS ACROSS TO CHARLEY AND SMILES)

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, no, no. This can’t be happening to me. Please make it stop.

MAUDE
Bluff it. You’ll be fine. We’re here with you poppet.

VICAR
Charley?

TERRY
Would you like me to come up with you?

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I want you to beam me out of here.

TERRY
Now you know I can’t do that. Your mind is amazing, obviously because I’m in it, but it’s not that advanced. Yet.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Then yes, stand up there with me please.

CHARLEY AND TERRY GO AND STAND AT THE PULPIT, GUIDED BY THE VICAR.

TERRY
What a hideous bunch they look from up here. Your hat looks really nice in comparison.

CHARLEY
Oh dear lord. Oh dear lord thank you for sharing Doris with us. She was a kind and loving lady who taught me how to…

TERRY
Knit.

CHARLEY
Knit (LOOKS QUICKLY AT TERRY)
(Audible thought) Knit?
and she liked…

TERRY
Jam.

CHARLEY
Jam. (RAISES HER EYEBROW AT TERRY) (Audible thought) you are not helping me. (out loud) Strawberry was her favourite.

TERRY
Ooh I was thinking apricot.

CHARLEY
And she enjoyed travelling.

TERRY
That’s good.

CHARLEY
She entertained me with many a tale of her circus travels when she was young.

TERRY
That’s not so good. I think you’ve lost the audience now. We were alright with knitting and jam but the circus has blown it.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Oh no, what now?

TERRY
Put your head in your hands and pretend to cry. Maude does it all the time when she doesn’t want me to talk to her, it’s highly effective.

(CHARLEY PUTS HER FACE IN HER HANDS)

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No tears, I can’t cry.

TERRY
Think of something really sad. Like your Aunt Doris the other side of town being buried on her own because you’re here cheating on her with dodgy Doris Wilson, jam eater, knitter and circus freak.

CHARLEY STARTS SOBBING.

EXT. CHURCHYARD. DAY.

CHARLIE, TERRY AND MAUDE ARE STOOD AT THE SIDE OF THE CHURCH, THEY HAVE MOVED AWAY FROM DORIS’S OPEN GRAVE, PEOPLE ARE SHUFFLING AWAY AND SOME OLD PEOPLE ARE GIVING HER DIRTY LOOKS.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I’m so embarrassed.

MAUDE
It’s ok. It could have been worse.

TERRY
Not much it couldn’t. It was bad. It was like watching a car crash. Someone should have recorded it for internet humiliation. If a younger demographic was here that would have happened.

MAUDE
Why don’t we make a move poppet? We could call by to the other St Stephens, see the real grave and say goodbye properly.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes, that’s a good idea.

A MAN WALKS TOWARDS THEM, PETE, SMILING. HE IS WEARING A BLACK SUIT, WHITE SHIRT AND BLACK TIE.

PETE
Hello.

CHARLEY
Oh, hello

PETE
I’m Pete.

MAUDE
He’s gorgeous!

CHARLEY
Charley.

PETE
I know, saw the eulogy.

CHARLEY
Oh yes, not my finest moment.

TERRY
Understatement.

PETE
I was surprised to see you.

TERRY
If this is going to be a cheesy chat up line I may vomit.

CHARLEY
Really?

PETE
Yes, I’m Doris’s nephew.

TERRY
Uh oh.

CHARLEY
The vicar said there was no family here?

PETE
I crept in below the radar, we weren’t a close family so I just wanted to blend in.

CHARLEY
That was my plan.

PETE
(LAUGHS) Didn’t work well.

CHARLEY
I know. I need to plan my plans a little better.

PETE
I don’t recall you in our family tree.

TERRY
Now you’re stuck. Tell him you’re from the circus branch of the family. Bearded lady.

MAUDE
No, just be honest, it’s the best policy.

CHARLEY
Ah, that’s because I’m not. There was a mix up. I’m at the wrong funeral. It snowballed. It’s a long story.

PETE
Then how about telling me over dinner tonight?

TERRY
Oh god it was a chat up manoeuvre. I may still vomit.

CHARLEY
Oh, um..

MAUDE
Say yes!

TERRY
Be like Zammo in Grange Hill, just say no.

CHARLEY
OK, yes I’d love to go to dinner with you.

TERRY
Too keen. You’ve just made yourself look desperate.

MAUDE
Ignore Mr Grumpy Pants. That’s the correct reply.

PETE
Great. 7pm? Where shall I pick you up from?

TERRY
Serial killer alert. Don’t give him your home address.

CHARLEY
7pm is good, name a restaurant and I’ll meet you there.

PETE
A modern independent woman.

TERRY
No, a sensible one who wants to stay alive.

PETE
Do you know The Acorn?

MAUDE
Swish!

TERRY
Pretentious.

CHARLEY
Yes, that’s good, it’s a date. Well it’s not a date. It’s just a meal out. With a new friend. New acquaintance. Maybe.

TERRY
You’re blowing it, stop talking.

CHARLEY
I’m going to stop talking now.

TERRY
You said that out loud.

CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I know. I meant to.

PETE
Ok, I’ll see you at seven tonight, my cousin that’s not my cousin.

PETE WALKS OFF SMILING.

TERRY
Oh that’s creepy, tell me that’s not creepy.

CHARLEY
(LOOKING BEHIND TERRY AND MAUDE IN PANIC)
Oh quick we have to go now.

MAUDE
Why?

PABLO DRESSED IN CUBAN PARTY GEAR AND HOLDING MARACAS IS SALSA DANCING ACROSS THE GRAVEYARD TOWARDS THEM.

PABLO
Yoo hoo.

TERRY AND MAUDE TURN TO SEE HIM.

TERRY
I thought you’d banished him today?

CHARLEY
I did, he’s got over excited and forgotten.

PABLO SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS INTO DORIS’S GRAVE THEN POPS BACK UP STILL SMILING.

PABLO
I’m ok, I think I may have dented my maracas though.

TERRY
Leg it.

CHARLEY, TERRY AND MAUDE WALK FAST THEN RUN FROM THE GRAVEYARD WITH PABLO DANCING AFTER THEM.

(END OF EPISODE)

Hotdog

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Hotdog stand, half time at football match.
A hotdog stand is set up on SL, faint football crowd noise can be heard in the background, EDDIE is stood behind the hotdog stand stirring onions in a pan, there is a queue of people to the right of the stand, JAMES is stood at the front of the queue.
EDDIE: Aright mate, what can I do you for?
JAMES: Chicken please.
EDDIE: Chicken?
JAMES: Yes, a chicken pie please.
EDDIE: I do ot dogs. I aint got no chicken pies.
JAMES: A steak and kidney pie then?
EDDIE: You avin a laff?
JAMES: Not at all. So you don’t have any steak and kidney pies either?
EDDIE: No I aint got no bleedin pies, I got ot dogs.
JAMES: Do you have a beef and onion pie then please?
EDDIE: Listen mate, I’m gonna do you some damage if you carry on askin for a bleedin
pie. You can eiver av an ot dog or you can do one.
JAMES: Ah, is there a special nod or handshake I need to partake in to be able to have a
pie? (winks at Eddie)
EDDIE: Special nod or andshake?! I’ll give you a special nod if you don’t clear off you
nutter.
JAMES: Well, we clearly seem to be on different pages sir, and quite frankly I find you
extremely ill mannered.
EDDIE: Diff’rent pages? You’re on a diff’rent bleedin bookshelf mate! Now clear off
before I shove my boot up your arsenal.
(JAMES walks away SR shaking his head in disgust, EDDIE carries on in the background serving the queue, DAVINA enters SR, sees JAMES and walks towards him)
DAVINA: Darling! You’ve been gone such a long time I’ve come on the hunt for you.
JAMES: Sorry sweetie, I’ve had no joy with the food, the man on the stand was so
unhelpful. He protested he had no pies at all.
DAVINA: Well of course he doesn’t silly, he sells hot dogs.
JAMES: But sweetie, you said he had lovely pies.
DAVINA: (laughs) Oh darling you are too funny. Yes I did say that, I was speaking the in
the amusing slang these people use. I said he had nice pies. Eyes silly, eyes. He
has nice eyes!
JAMES: Oh! I’m such a silly billy!
(JAMES and DAVINA laugh together, hold hands and exit SR)

Change a letter to change the crime show

Published January 15, 2015 by Naomi Rettig

Some alternative TV show pitches achieved by just changing one letter of existing UK crime shows.
Agatha Christie’s Marple = Agatha Christie’s Marble. Documentary looking at Agatha’s hidden Italian statue collection in secret vault in Torquay. Hosted by Angelos Epithemiou.
The Body Farm = The Body Fart. Spin off show from Embarrassing Bodies. Dr Christian travels the UK with Joe Pasquale trying to capture the perfect specimen of wind.
Case Histories = Vase Histories. Open University feature showcasing vases of the world and their histories. Presented by Danny Dyer.
Cold Blood = Cold Bloom Reality TV show about the early morning flower markets in Amsterdam, Voiceover by Alan Carr.
Cracker = Fracker. Drama starring Neil Stuke about a man sent into a hostile North East community to carry out fracking for the government.
Crime Traveller = Prime Traveller. Travel show presented by Joan Collins and Johnny Vegas showing only the most luxurious destinations, hotels and travel options.
Death in Paradise = Heath in Paradise. Drama sequel to Wuthering Heights where Heathcliff stops mooning over Cathy and sets sail to Barbados for fun and frolics. Noel Fielding to be Heath.
Foyle’s War = Foyle’s Bar. Cheers style comedy set in the 1950’s when Foyle retires from military life and opens a bar.
Good Cop = Good Cod. Foodie show travelling the UK to find Britain’s best fish and chip shop, hosted by Keith Chegwin.
Law and Order = Jaw and Order. Sitcom starring Jon Richardson about a dentist with chronic OCD.
Line of Duty = Wine of Duty. Period drama about a wine making dynasty and their vineyard. Starring Frazer Hines, Martine McCutcheon and Stephanie Cole.
New Tricks = New Trucks. Top Gear lifestyle show for HGV drivers, presented by Su Pollard and Mickey Flanagan.
Prime Suspect = Price Suspect. Reality TV show following a Trading Standards task force. Voiceover by Bobby Ball.
Ripper Street = Hipper Street. Makeover show where two neighbouring streets compete to be the ‘hipper’ street. Presented by Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, team captains for each street.
The Sweeney = The Tweeney. Reality documentary following CBBC ‘star’ Milo as he leaves The Tweenies and tries his hand at stand-up comedy in working men’s clubs up north. Commentary by Sean Lock.
Silk = Sulk. Supernanny Jo Frost and Vinny Jones take on Britain’s most troublesome teenagers in a boot camp in West Wales.
Vera = Verb. Do you know your verbs from your adjectives? A grammar quiz show hosted by Jimmy Nail.
Waking the Dead = Waking the Head. Comedy about a narcoleptic teacher. Starring David Morrissey and Coleen Nolan.
Waking the Dead = Baking the Dead. Cooking for cannibals. Hosted by Anne Diamond.
Wire in the Blood = Fire in the Blood. Drama about a family of fire fighters. Starring Martin Kemp, Emmett J Scanlan and Danny Young.