1. The Portrait of a Lady – The Selfie of a Ladette
2. Cold Mountain – Chilly Hill
3. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café – Baked Red Peppers at the Hum Go Tearoom
4. Three Men in a Boat – Five Men in a Canoe
5. The Thirty Nine Steps – The Forty Steps
6. Brave New World – Cowardly Old World
7. The Quiet American – The Noisy Canadian
8. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – The Retirement of Miss Jean Brodie
9. Catch 22 – Catch 23
10. Far From The Madding Crowd – In the Midst of a Quiet Gathering
11. P.S. I Love You – P.P.S. Divorce Papers are in the Post
12. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – The Lion, the Witch, and the Sideboard
13. The Very Hungry Caterpillar – The Full Up Butterfly
14. The Grapes of Wrath – The Sultanas of Anger
15. Life of Pi – Death of Quiche
16. Lord of the Rings – Lord of the Bangles
17. Little Women – Bigger Women
18. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy – Hitchhikers Guide to the Toblerone
19. Wuthering Heights – Wuthering Lows
20. The Da Vinci code – The Pollock Code
21. The Picture of Dorian Gray – The Snapchat of Dorian Gray
22. Lord of the Flies – Duke of the Spiders
23. Fahrenheit 451 – Celsius 15
24. Trainspotting – Buswatching
25. Of Mice and Men – Of Gerbils and Girls
26. The Lovely Bones – The Quite Nice Veins
27. Middlemarch – Endstroll
28. Catcher in the Rye – Tosser in the Wheat
29. The Firm – The Wobbly
30. Watership Down – Fireboat Up
31. Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Lunch at Bianca’s
32. Great Expectations – Mild Assumptions
33. The Secret Life of Bees – The Exhibitionist Life of Wasps
34. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil – Midday in the Allotment of Shallots and Chives
35. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time – The Mundane Appearance of the Cat in the Day Time
36. Lonesome Dove – Popular Pigeon
37. In Cold Blood – In Warm Saliva
38. And Then There Were None – And Then There Were a Few More Found
39. A Walk to Remember – A Jog to Forget
40. Eat, Pray, Love – Starve, Swear, Loathe
41. It – That
42. The Virgin Suicides – The Loose Women Murders
43. Heart of Darkness – Liver of Light
44. Oliver Twist – Oliver Jive
45. Flowers in the Attic – Potpourri in the Basement
46. David Copperfield – David Silvermeadow
47. Shogun – Hideknife
48. A Room With a View – A Back Bedroom With No Windows
49. The Neverending Story – The End of the Story
50. Girl with a Pearl Earring – Woman with a Pearl Necklace
51. The Velveteen Rabbit – The Velcro Hedgehog
52. I, Robot – You, Human
53. The Secret – The Well Known Fact
54. A Streetcar Named Desire – A Pushbike Named Passion
55. Roots – Split Ends
56. The House of Spirits – The Apartment of Soft Drinks
57. The Cider House Rules – The Gin Shed Anarchy
58. The Green Mile – The Purple Kilometre
59. Never let me Go – F**k Off
60. Howl’s Moving Castle – Howl’s Static Caravan
Twenty One Things I Learnt in New York.
Published November 4, 2015 by naomirettig1. Airport security are not a warm welcome to America. Do not smile, try to be friendly, speak before you are spoken to, or sweat so much it appears that you are trying to disguise your fingerprints on their electronic hand scanner. If you do all of the above they will look at you as if you have smeared peanut butter on their pet Chihuahua and licked it. That’s not something you should do either.
2. Everyone says ‘you’re welcome’ if you say thank you. It sounded a bit weird and ‘Stepford Wives’ at first but then it becomes endearing. Or creepy. It flips between the two.
3. Never try to control an umbrella in the wind and rain on Liberty Island. Lady Liberty will just watch over you and snigger as you do your best Mary Poppins impression. She’s quite sturdy to withstand the weather there. The Statue of Liberty that is, not Mary Poppins.
4. American eateries presume you are eating for three. I know I look like I’ve smuggled a family of Mexicans under my shirt but I really only want food for one.
5. In high tide you need mountaineering skills to board the gangway of the Liberty tour boat. Shoes with grips are recommended. Or crampons. If you have those with you then you will board the boat with the grace and poise of a gazelle, instead of the bottom out stumbling style of a tipsy hippo that I demonstrated.
6. The ‘Skyride’ at the Empire State Building is NOT the lift to the viewing deck. Do not do what I did and wander in thinking you are going in a fast elevator only to be seated with a rollercoaster bar locked over you and an icy cold flow of ‘uh oh’ twisting through your veins. Apparently you see New York from a helicopter perspective. I didn’t as I found the inside of my eyelids less vomit inducing to watch. The jolting movements were enough of a stimulation to me and my stomach.
7. Books in the public library are well hidden. I couldn’t see any. I thought I’d wandered into a museum instead. They probably did have some there but I like books to ooze out rather than have to be squeezed out.
8. Look out for low tree branches and traffic lights when on a tour bus. If you are 5’8 or above the chances of your head smacking on low bobbing objects are 72%. It will however cause you great exhilaration when you dodge a head shot.
9. There are more adverts than actual shows on the television channels. If you have a short attention span this is great, if not it’s just very annoying.
10. All medical ads come with so many disclaimers I’m surprised they sell any products at all. Most medicine pitches end with ‘this product may cause heart failure’.
11. There are so many channels on the television but not much to watch. If you like news and sports though you will be fine.
12. Fire engine sirens sound like a person screaming while falling from a high building. I thought there were a lot of suicides happening before realising this.
13. Teachers don’t like to supervise their children at the Ellis Island museum at all times as they are instructed to do. My mind Taser didn’t work on them unfortunately.
14. The largest sapphire in the world in the American Museum of Natural History looks like a glass paperweight. I think someone may have switched it when the security guard wasn’t looking. He looked very bored and could have been easily distracted with a pastrami sandwich and a fizzy drink.
15. Chinatown is the place for a massage. Every other store is a massage emporium.
16. Macy’s is just a department store. I don’t know what I was expecting but I was underwhelmed. Maybe because I don’t like shopping, it might have been paradise to others but it was just a big shop to me.
17. It’s very friendly, friendlier than London I thought.
18. A medium drink carton in the Regal Cinema on 42nd Street is twice the size of my bladder.
19. If you are getting in a cab in rush hour you need to either close your eyes or pretend you are filming the latest Fast and Furious movie.
20. New York police direct traffic at night with flashing glow sticks. I could not be trusted with flashing glow sticks. I would dance.
21. I love New York City more than I thought I would and will return again and again. And again.
Terry, Maude and Me – The Right Funeral
Published June 23, 2015 by naomirettigINT. TAXI. DAY.
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY ARE SAT ON THE BACKSEAT OF A TAXI, CHARLEY IS IN THE MIDDLE. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN BLACK, CHARLEY IS IN A TROUSER SUIT, PLAIN BLOUSE, FLAT SHOES AND FUR HAT, MAUDE IS IN A TIGHT PENCIL SKIRT SUIT, FRILLY BLOUSE, STILETTOS AND TINY PILL BOX HAT WITH VEIL, TERRY IS IN A SUIT, TUXEDO T-SHIRT AND CONVERSE TRAINERS WITH MESSY HAIR.
TERRY
We’re going to be late, going back to change your hat was foolish.
MAUDE
Darling a French navy hat with a black suit is foolish. Charley made the right decision.
TERRY
It looked ok.
MAUDE
Looked ok? We don’t want Charley to go out looking just ok.
CHARLEY
I am here.
TAXI DRIVER LOOKS IN REAR VIEW MIRROR, SEEING ONLY CHARLEY SAT THERE.
TAXI DRIVER
What’s that love?
CHARLEY
Oh, nothing. Sorry, thinking aloud.
TAXI DRIVER LOOKS BACK TO ROAD AND CARRIES ON WITH HIS DRIVING.
MAUDE
Remember to talk to us telepathically poppet. People get funny when you talk out loud to us. We’re your voices in your head and no one else’s.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I know, I know. But my lips forget sometimes.
TERRY
You could have just not worn the hat, I don’t think people do hats at funerals anymore.
MAUDE
I don’t think we need to take fashion advice from someone wearing a tuxedo t-shirt to a funeral.
TERRY
I feel I’ve made quite an effort, I could be sat here in pyjamas.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) You both look very smart. Thank you Terry for not wearing your pyjamas. Maude, thank you for being a part of the hat brigade. And I like my hat, I think it makes me look Russian.
TERRY
It doesn’t. You look ridiculous.
MAUDE
Don’t be mean.
TERRY
OK, you don’t look ridiculous if you are trying to capture the ‘I’m wearing a dead cat on my head’ look. If that’s what you were trying to achieve you have succeeded marvellously.
MAUDE
That’s not any better.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) It’s OK Maude, Terry’s entitled to his opinion.
TERRY
I’m surprised Pablo hasn’t hidden some vodka in your Russian cat hat to liven up today, funerals can be so dull.
MAUDE
Is Pablo going to be with us today?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No. I’ve told him it’s a serious day today not a party day.
MAUDE
Sorry Charley, this isn’t a nice day for you.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Its ok, I didn’t really know my great aunt did I. I just thought it would be a shame if no family turned up. I don’t know any of her friends if she had any or if they’ll turn up.
MAUDE
Well at least you’ll have us with you for moral support. You’re not on your own poppet.
TERRY
Technically Maude she is physically on her own.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Thank you both for your unwavering support.
TERRY
Sarcasm alert.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, I really don’t know how I would get through my days without your positivity and sunshiny smile Terry.
TERRY
You are definitely being sarcastic aren’t you?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes.
THE TAXI PULLS UP IN FRONT OF CHURCH GATES.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) This is it.
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY CLIMB OUT OF THE TAXI, CHARLEY PAYS THE TAXI DRIVER AND HE DRIVES OFF.
EXT. OUTSIDE CHURCH. DAY.
TERRY
I thought St Stephens was the church by the river?
MAUDE
No, no, this is St Stephens, look (indicates sign). There’s a lot of people going in, she must have had more friends than you thought Charley.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Blimey, I thought I might be the only one here.
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY WALK UP THE PATH TO THE CHURCH ENTRANCE, PEOPLE ARE GOING IN AND A VICAR IS AT THE CHURCH DOOR.
TERRY
It’s probably all the staff and other residents of her care home filling it up, a day trip out and a buffet brings out the vultures.
MAUDE
Terry!
TERRY
What? It’s true. The mere whiff of a sausage on a stick and the Zimmer frames speed up. I’ve witnessed a fight over who has the last cheese and pineapple on a stick previously. Carnage.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Let’s try and avoid carnage today please. And yes Terry, that’s aimed more at you than Maude.
MAUDE
(Smiling smugly) Ooh look, a lady vicar, how lovely and modern.
TERRY
Is she a vicar or a vicaress?
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY STOP WHEN THEY REACH THE VICAR AT THE DOOR.
VICAR
Hello there!
CHARLEY
Hello, I’m Charley. Charley Watson
VICAR
Yes, hello.
CHARLEY
I’m here for my great aunt Doris’s funeral?
VICAR
Oh! Wonderful! Well, not wonderful that it’s your great aunts funeral but wonderful that you are here. I didn’t realise she had any family.
CHARLEY
Ah yes, I hadn’t seen her since I was little but when I heard that she had died, well, I thought I’d better come and see her off.
TERRY
Come and see her off? She’s not going on a cruise.
CHARLEY
I mean come and say goodbye.
VICAR
Wonderful, she should be any moment, there’s a traffic hold up on the ring road, go on in and sit down. (SHE TURNS TO INSIDE THE DOOR) John. (JOHN POPS OUT OF THE DOORWAY) John is anyone sat on the front row?
JOHN
Just Mrs Parsons.
VICAR
Wonderful. Show Charley here to the front row seating please.
CHARLEY
Thank you.
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY FOLLOW JOHN INTO THE CHURCH.
INT. CHURCH. DAY.
THE PEWS ARE FULL OF ELDERLY PEOPLE AND A FEW CARERS. CHARLEY, MAUDE AND TERRY WALK SLOWLY DOWN THE AISLE BEHIND JOHN.
MAUDE
Crikey she’s a bit jolly for a funeral, imagine what she’s like at a wedding!
TERRY
Like a grandma on crystal meth.
MAUDE GLARES AT TERRY.
Front row seats, do we get popcorn or choc ices?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Behave, people don’t eat during funerals.
TERRY, MAUDE AND CHARLEY REACH THE FRONT PEW, JOHN INDICATES TO IT THEN EXITS BACK UP THE AISLE. MRS PARSONS IS SAT IN THE FRONT PEW SWATHED IN PINK CRIMPLENE EATING A BAG OF JELLY BABIES.
TERRY
Someone didn’t get the memo.
MRS PARSONS BITES THE HEAD OFF A JELLY BABY AND CHEWS IT OPEN-MOUTHED WHILE STARING AT CHARLEY.
TERRY
I didn’t know your great aunt knew Barbara Cartland.
CHARLEY, TERRY AND MAUDE SQUEEZE PAST MRS PARSONS AND SIT DOWN. CHARLEY SMILES AT MRS PARSONS. MRS PARSONS CONTINUES CHEWING JELLY BABIES OPEN MOUTHED.
MAUDE
(LOOKING AROUND) Fascinating. It’s like a museum of fashion over the decades.
TERRY
With the amount of polyester and hairspray in here we could go up at any moment. It’s a good job it’s not a cremation, one loose ember from a furnace and whoosh. Especially Barbara sat next to you. I wonder how flammable jelly babies are.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Stop it. Have a look at the programme and keep quiet. (SHE PICKS UP THE PAMPHLET ON THE PEW)
TERRY
It’s not a programme, we’re not at the theatre. Unfortunately. We could be watching A Comedy of Errors, that’s on at The Sherman Theatre.
CHARLEY IS FROWNING AT THE OPEN PAMPHLET IN HER HANDS.
MAUDE
What’s wrong Charley?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) This biography, it doesn’t seem right, I don’t know any of these facts about her life. (SHE TURNS TO THE BACK PAGE WHERE THERE IS A PHOTO) Sweet Jesus.
TERRY
(LOOKING AROUND) Where?
MAUDE
Not the most flattering photo is it poppet. Bad camera angle. And a chunky neck like that shouldn’t wear a choker.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, it’s not the photo that’s wrong. That’s not Doris.
MAUDE
Yes, (POINTS TO NAME BELOW PHOTO) Doris Wilson.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) My great aunt was Doris Watson.
MAUDE
Are you sure?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes I’m sure!
TERRY
This is priceless.
MAUDE
Did she marry again? Change her name?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, she never got married, she was always Doris Watson. And that’s not her.
MAUDE
Oh. Well that’s good, you won’t have inherited this ladies shocking genetic aging. Your neck isn’t fated to end up like this.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No it’s not good, we’re in the wrong funeral.
TERRY
I can confirm that this is not good. We could be watching a Comedy of Errors but instead we are in a Comedy of Errors.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I’m failing to see the comedy myself.
MAUDE
Its ok poppet, we’ll leave now and you can explain to the vicar on the way out.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Ok.
TERRY
(STANDS UP AND STEPS INTO AISLE) Do we have a plan B?
MAUDE
Why?
TERRY
The wrong Doris’s coffin is coming down the aisle. And I don’t want to sound rude but there isn’t any room for you to squeeze past it Charley.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No! What am I going to do?
MAUDE
Go along with it.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) What?
TERRY
Disaster alert.
MAUDE
Well if your Doris is being buried at eleven at the St Stephens by the river you’ll never make it in time so just pretend this is her and leave straight after.
COFFIN IS WHEELED PAST WITH A SQUEAKY WHEEL BY JOHN AND PLACED IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION FOLLOWED BY THE VICAR.
CHARLEY
Oh god
TERRY
Ditto that.
VICAR
We are gathered here today to say goodbye to our friend Doris, a lively member of our community who touched the hearts of all she met. We have her great niece Charley with us today and I was wondering if she would be kind enough to come up here and say a few words for us. (SHE LOOKS ACROSS TO CHARLEY AND SMILES)
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No, no, no. This can’t be happening to me. Please make it stop.
MAUDE
Bluff it. You’ll be fine. We’re here with you poppet.
VICAR
Charley?
TERRY
Would you like me to come up with you?
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I want you to beam me out of here.
TERRY
Now you know I can’t do that. Your mind is amazing, obviously because I’m in it, but it’s not that advanced. Yet.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Then yes, stand up there with me please.
CHARLEY AND TERRY GO AND STAND AT THE PULPIT, GUIDED BY THE VICAR.
TERRY
What a hideous bunch they look from up here. Your hat looks really nice in comparison.
CHARLEY
Oh dear lord. Oh dear lord thank you for sharing Doris with us. She was a kind and loving lady who taught me how to…
TERRY
Knit.
CHARLEY
Knit (LOOKS QUICKLY AT TERRY)
(Audible thought) Knit?
and she liked…
TERRY
Jam.
CHARLEY
Jam. (RAISES HER EYEBROW AT TERRY) (Audible thought) you are not helping me. (out loud) Strawberry was her favourite.
TERRY
Ooh I was thinking apricot.
CHARLEY
And she enjoyed travelling.
TERRY
That’s good.
CHARLEY
She entertained me with many a tale of her circus travels when she was young.
TERRY
That’s not so good. I think you’ve lost the audience now. We were alright with knitting and jam but the circus has blown it.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Oh no, what now?
TERRY
Put your head in your hands and pretend to cry. Maude does it all the time when she doesn’t want me to talk to her, it’s highly effective.
(CHARLEY PUTS HER FACE IN HER HANDS)
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) No tears, I can’t cry.
TERRY
Think of something really sad. Like your Aunt Doris the other side of town being buried on her own because you’re here cheating on her with dodgy Doris Wilson, jam eater, knitter and circus freak.
CHARLEY STARTS SOBBING.
EXT. CHURCHYARD. DAY.
CHARLIE, TERRY AND MAUDE ARE STOOD AT THE SIDE OF THE CHURCH, THEY HAVE MOVED AWAY FROM DORIS’S OPEN GRAVE, PEOPLE ARE SHUFFLING AWAY AND SOME OLD PEOPLE ARE GIVING HER DIRTY LOOKS.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I’m so embarrassed.
MAUDE
It’s ok. It could have been worse.
TERRY
Not much it couldn’t. It was bad. It was like watching a car crash. Someone should have recorded it for internet humiliation. If a younger demographic was here that would have happened.
MAUDE
Why don’t we make a move poppet? We could call by to the other St Stephens, see the real grave and say goodbye properly.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) Yes, that’s a good idea.
A MAN WALKS TOWARDS THEM, PETE, SMILING. HE IS WEARING A BLACK SUIT, WHITE SHIRT AND BLACK TIE.
PETE
Hello.
CHARLEY
Oh, hello
PETE
I’m Pete.
MAUDE
He’s gorgeous!
CHARLEY
Charley.
PETE
I know, saw the eulogy.
CHARLEY
Oh yes, not my finest moment.
TERRY
Understatement.
PETE
I was surprised to see you.
TERRY
If this is going to be a cheesy chat up line I may vomit.
CHARLEY
Really?
PETE
Yes, I’m Doris’s nephew.
TERRY
Uh oh.
CHARLEY
The vicar said there was no family here?
PETE
I crept in below the radar, we weren’t a close family so I just wanted to blend in.
CHARLEY
That was my plan.
PETE
(LAUGHS) Didn’t work well.
CHARLEY
I know. I need to plan my plans a little better.
PETE
I don’t recall you in our family tree.
TERRY
Now you’re stuck. Tell him you’re from the circus branch of the family. Bearded lady.
MAUDE
No, just be honest, it’s the best policy.
CHARLEY
Ah, that’s because I’m not. There was a mix up. I’m at the wrong funeral. It snowballed. It’s a long story.
PETE
Then how about telling me over dinner tonight?
TERRY
Oh god it was a chat up manoeuvre. I may still vomit.
CHARLEY
Oh, um..
MAUDE
Say yes!
TERRY
Be like Zammo in Grange Hill, just say no.
CHARLEY
OK, yes I’d love to go to dinner with you.
TERRY
Too keen. You’ve just made yourself look desperate.
MAUDE
Ignore Mr Grumpy Pants. That’s the correct reply.
PETE
Great. 7pm? Where shall I pick you up from?
TERRY
Serial killer alert. Don’t give him your home address.
CHARLEY
7pm is good, name a restaurant and I’ll meet you there.
PETE
A modern independent woman.
TERRY
No, a sensible one who wants to stay alive.
PETE
Do you know The Acorn?
MAUDE
Swish!
TERRY
Pretentious.
CHARLEY
Yes, that’s good, it’s a date. Well it’s not a date. It’s just a meal out. With a new friend. New acquaintance. Maybe.
TERRY
You’re blowing it, stop talking.
CHARLEY
I’m going to stop talking now.
TERRY
You said that out loud.
CHARLEY
(Audible thought) I know. I meant to.
PETE
Ok, I’ll see you at seven tonight, my cousin that’s not my cousin.
PETE WALKS OFF SMILING.
TERRY
Oh that’s creepy, tell me that’s not creepy.
CHARLEY
(LOOKING BEHIND TERRY AND MAUDE IN PANIC)
Oh quick we have to go now.
MAUDE
Why?
PABLO DRESSED IN CUBAN PARTY GEAR AND HOLDING MARACAS IS SALSA DANCING ACROSS THE GRAVEYARD TOWARDS THEM.
PABLO
Yoo hoo.
TERRY AND MAUDE TURN TO SEE HIM.
TERRY
I thought you’d banished him today?
CHARLEY
I did, he’s got over excited and forgotten.
PABLO SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS INTO DORIS’S GRAVE THEN POPS BACK UP STILL SMILING.
PABLO
I’m ok, I think I may have dented my maracas though.
TERRY
Leg it.
CHARLEY, TERRY AND MAUDE WALK FAST THEN RUN FROM THE GRAVEYARD WITH PABLO DANCING AFTER THEM.
(END OF EPISODE)
Valentine’s Day for Singles
Published February 9, 2015 by naomirettigIt’s that annoying time of the year again when shop windows fill with a sea of red love hearts and loved up smug couples flaunt their sickly sweet soulmate status, while feeling sorry for singletons and their miserable lonely existences. Yes, I’m not a fan of the over commercialised event of Valentine’s Day.
I don’t like the fact that florists, hotels and restaurants hike up their prices for this day – I know they are in business and need to make money but I still find it distasteful. I don’t like the assumption that it’s just this one day of the year that you show the person that you love you care – you don’t need a special day to do this. I don’t like couples who send vomit inducing messages on social media for all to see –tell each other privately, why do you need to tell everyone/show off about it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am surprisingly an eternal romantic even though I’ve been single for many years now. I’m more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being in love though. It’s exciting to imagine that my soulmate is out there somewhere and that fate will guide us together in some mysterious circumstance, our eyes will meet and we will instantly know we are destined to be together for eternity. But in reality I know the chances of this happening are a slither of slim. I manage to hide this hope of ‘my soulmate is out there’ at the back of my brain, filed away with ‘someone will invent calorie free chocolate’ and ‘if I mentally promise to donate half to charity I will win the lottery jackpot’.
Maybe that’s why I don’t like Valentine’s Day too, a reminder of another year sailed by without bumping into said soulmate (and another year without calorie free chocolate and a lottery win). So when I see the sea of red and pink hearts surging up the high street I have to remind myself how good it is to be single to stop myself sinking in the suffocating waves of organised romance.
There are wonderful advantages to being single. Your legs are warmer in winter as there is no need to shave them, although when you shave for summer dresses it will appear that you’ve massacred Chewbacca in your bath tub. You can watch whatever television you like and when you like, no having to put up with silly sports channels or being tutted at when watching hours of soap operas. There are no tedious in-laws to dutifully visit or partner’s friends that you have to tolerate when you would really like to smack them across the face with a wet haddock. You can starfish in bed at night, fidget away and keep all the duvet to yourself, not to mention the bliss of a quiet night’s sleep with no snoring or heaving breathing next to you that leaves you contemplating first degree murder. You can also have lovely lazy days where you don’t have to bother brushing your hair and applying your face and you can feel happy lounging around in the nude without constantly holding your tummy in. Also you will have healthier intestines too as there is no need to hold wind in, extra beneficial being a vegetarian.
I unfortunately can’t banish Valentine’s Day so instead I will celebrate with the current soulmate in my life – me. I will treat myself to some lovely gifts perfect for me (Erica Spindler’s new thriller book, the Fawlty Towers scripts and Monty Python’s Holy Grail script) and spoil myself with a luxurious candlelit bath after work while sipping non-alcoholic pina colada (my tipple of choice) before watching a Judd Nelson movie (getting to spend the evening with the most handsome man on the planet) and enjoying a Marks & Spencer meal for one.
I suppose I have fallen into the consumer trap of this day. And that little seed of hope will be waiting for flowers from a secret admirer to be delivered in work and an array of admirer’s cards waiting on my doormat on return from work. They won’t, and I shall be momentarily disappointed before reminding myself that I’m spending the evening with someone that loves me unconditionally and forever. Me. So if you are single on Valentine’s Day: love yourself, be kind to yourself and remind yourself how special you are, too special to share in fact!
The Business of Murder – a theatre review
Published February 5, 2015 by naomirettigThe Business of Murder: Theatre Review
This business is booming. The whole play was a ticking time bomb throughout: tense, taut and tantalisingly terrific. I won’t reveal any spoilers as I urge anyone near to a theatre on the tour to treat themselves to a performance. And what a treat.
Written by Richard Harris (not the famously known Irish actor but the screenplay and playwright) the plot had more twists and turns than the Stelvio Pass in the Italian Alps. Just when you think you know what’s going on you are flung fiercely in another direction. I was exhausted on exiting. And at one point, with a gasp of ‘dear God no’ from behind me, I thought an elderly lady was going to have a coronary attack. Luckily she didn’t as I’m not a first aider and I didn’t want the play interrupted.
The set was perfectly designed and kitted out with 1981 décor. I definitely spotted my mum’s trailing spider plant in a knitted macramé holder hanging up. Sound and lighting was top notch too as was the direction by Michael Lunney. And what a wonderful cast he had to direct. There were only three actors in the play but they not only carried it successfully they lifted it aloft. Joanna Higson played Dee and was delightful. I won’t reveal too much about her character but it was excellently portrayed and I look forward to seeing Joanna in many more roles. Paul Opacic played policeman Hallett, good cop or bad cop? My lips are sealed, but he was fantastic in the role, persuading my opinion of Hallett’s virtue to waver throughout. Robert Gwilym played Stone. I can honestly say his portrayal creeped me out so much I wouldn’t want to share a lift with him. He made Norman Bates seem a rational pleasant person.
I highly recommend The Business of Murder if you love quality theatre, enjoy a good murder and like your spine tingled. The Business of Murder by the Middle Ground Theatre Company is definitely a thrilling partnership that had me sold. Bravo.
Grief
Published January 20, 2015 by naomirettigI can’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks,
My pain still raw as days turn to weeks.
Time will heal so I am told,
Yet grief clings to me like festering mould.
You were taken too sudden away from us all,
I wish I had the power of time to stall,
I would tell you how much you meant to me,
A dad not in name but a dad to me.
I’d thank you for loving and looking after my mum,
For all my memories in our family album.
I’d tell you I loved you every day,
The words in your life I never did say.
My heart feels now as weak as yours
And into infinity my sadness pours.
Hope
Published January 20, 2015 by naomirettigMy mind beats fast when I think of you,
My heart dreams vivid colours so true.
A mix of emotions run through my veins,
A tribe of wild horses released from their reins.
Fear of unknown adventures ahead,
Wondering where fate this time has led.
Excitement coursing through me so fast,
A little bit cautious due to my past.
You’ve touched my soul in this short time already,
I feel euphoric, blessed, giddy and heady.
I’ll let you inside to the core of me,
If you’ll cherish my heart I’ll give you the key.
Ode to You
Published January 20, 2015 by naomirettigYou’re stuck in my brain and I can’t set you free,
You’re having a strange effect on me.
I want to swim with you in lemon jelly,
Cuddle nude while watching the telly.
Write your name on my book in permanent ink,
Fly high through clouds of candyfloss pink.
Words tangle like spaghetti when I try to talk,
My mouth feeling like crumbling chalk.
Your smile thrown my way starts my tummy to spin,
Head all giddy like I’ve been on gin.
If I held your hand once I might just explode,
Leaving my bits all over the road.
You have no idea what you do to me,
If you felt the same I’d scream ‘yippee’!
A Colonoscopy Adventure
Published January 19, 2015 by naomirettigI arrived bright and early at Nevil Hall Hospital. When I say bright I of course mean the day was bright not me. I was feeling hollow and fantasizing about soup – carrot and coriander. I also had the shakes. My body wasn’t enjoying the effects of no food for twenty hours and it certainly didn’t like the lava waterfall the night before courtesy of ‘klean prep’. Horrific and no more will be said of that.
I reported to the desk of the LLanwenarth day surgery suite, which makes it sound quite glamorous, and waited my turn. A lovely nurse called Judy checked me in and took all my details, my allergies: penicillin, animal saliva and fur, broad beans. I’m guessing they only needed to know about the penicillin allergy. Judy then discovered my blood pressure was a little high – no surprise as I was in the middle a panic attack. I was given wrist bands on each arm (appearing like I’d been to a really good festival) and an extra red one alerting anyone of my penicillin allergy. I was disappointed I didn’t have one alerting people to not feed me broad beans.
Judy then left the room for me to strip off and change into the fashionable hospital gown. I’m being sarcastic, it was anything but fashionable. I know these have to be low budget but surely they could find material suppliers with cheap funky designs. I’d want disco cats on mine. After a quick sit down in a side waiting room, doing some last minute Facebooking and a quick Kindle read, I was whisked into the treatment room.
My veins are cowardly and like to play hide and seek and thought it would be great fun to disappear completely. It took a full ten minutes for the surgeon to get a cannula in a vein. The nurse had looked first and decided she’d leave it to the surgeon as she couldn’t find any at all to even have a stab at. Now ten minutes may not sound long but when you are needle and hospital phobic and already struggling to hold onto happy thoughts to stay in your happy place, (a snowy winter forest with a wolf watching over me), having people tapping all over your arms and hands to find a vein seems like hours. The surgeon kept apologising for my uncooperative veins while he tapped. It reminded me of when seagulls tap the ground to get worms to rise to the surface.
I was given a drug first to make me woozy, it did and I felt nicely fuzzy headed. Then I was given anesthetic to make me sleepy and floating but not go under. I don’t know if I had a little too much but my blood pressure dropped like Mafioso in concrete boots and I went under. That was my highlight. It was heavenly. I felt myself free falling slowly down through water with friendly pink and green spotty octopi and electric blue jellyfish buffeting me like mini trampolines as I sank. I felt so relaxed. So I wasn’t best pleased with the nurse for waking me up and I asked her to leave me with the octopus. She didn’t though and I had pain inside that I can’t even describe. Every time I cried out in pain I apologised straight away for being a baby. I requested ‘give me more’ meaning give me more drugs but it felt like this had been misinterpreted as give me more tubing up my backside!
The nurse was a star though and tried to keep me calm by reminding me how to breathe, always good to be reminded, and telling me that she would like to go and work in Canada but her boyfriend doesn’t want to leave the UK. I normally wouldn’t offer advice without being asked but the power of anesthetic removes the filter of tact. ‘Leave him behind’ was my helpful drugged up advice. She had lovely eyebrows and an unpronounceable Welsh name beginning with I. ‘Ooh that’s exotic! Where are you from?’ ‘Merthyr’.
I was wheeled to the wake up room and had three more lovely nurses looking after me, well, chatting by my bedside monitoring my blood pressure readings. Its great lying back with your eyes closed listening to other peoples conversations. I learnt that a nurse in another room was a boring stickler to the rules with no sense of humour but she had a sporty car with a double exhaust. Yes, a double exhaust – this was quite out of character apparently. One of the nurses around my bed had moved to Abergavenny from Bristol to be near her husband’s family but they were all horrid to her and she wanted to move back, but he didn’t want to move. ‘Leave him behind’ I shouted in my head. That seemed to be my stock advice of the day. Do what you want with your life not what others want you to do.
After sitting in a squeaky green pleather chair with a cup of tea (which tasted like the best tea ever) for half an hour I was discharged home with a report of a normal healthy colon and wind noises in my bowels sounding like a blue whale fighting with Chewbacca. Happy days.
Wrong Turn
Published January 15, 2015 by naomirettigThe Southbank at dusk was a magical sight. Twinkling lights on trees lining the Thames like stars descending from the inky night sky, the London Eye drawing the crowds with its luminous blue hue monopolising the skyline. There were so many tourists still lining up for the Eye to view the cities illuminations, taking their photos in turn, and smiling happily. Natalie took her photos, arty shots at different angles, wishing her camera took better images in low light. A new camera went on her mental Christmas list.
Having taken enough photos of the Eye and Houses of Parliament across the Thames Natalie decided to walk back to her hotel along the river instead of jumping on the tube. It was a nice night for a walk, just the right temperature, cool enough not to overheat with brisk walking, plus the thought of trying to cope with Waterloo station was too much for her. It wasn’t the enclosed space of the underground that freaked her out but the escalators as her fear of heights would send her into a jumble of nerves and sweat when using one and the drop and depth of the Waterloo escalator was the worst one.
Walking along the Southbank she carried on taking a few more photographs passing by the eateries where ‘around the world’ aromas filled the night air, the Mexican burritos smelled divine and she was very tempted to pause and eat except the customers at the outdoor tables were all in couples or cosy groups of friends and she felt slightly self-conscious on her own. She decided to stick with her plan of buying snacks from the little shop next to her hotel.
Walking away from the hustle and bustle of the nightlife Natalie strolled further along the riverbank taking more photos, she really wanted to capture St Paul’s Cathedral lit up at night and it certainly was a beautiful night sky tonight for that. The chatter of pedestrians had petered out now and there was just an occasional couple hand in hand and a few fellow photographers milling about, all trying to capture that perfect photo. Taking her last snaps of St Paul’s across the Thames she tucked her camera away in her bag, glancing around to make sure no one was watching her.
Natalie noticed that her feet were really starting to hurt now, a full day walking on them was now telling. She weighed up in her mind the prospect of the long walk further ahead to the hotel or the quick walk back to Waterloo to brave the escalator and be back at the hotel much sooner. Her feet said tube so she went with that decision, having a quick spray of rescue remedy in preparation. Rather than retrace her route back along the river and then up to Waterloo she thought she’d cut through the streets in a more diagonal line to the station to save time and some steps for her feet. Not exactly how a crow flies but more the route of a cat walk.
A few streets in and Natalie was playing back the day in her mind, thinking of all the shots she would edit when she got home. She was suddenly aware how eerily quiet the streets were and how dark it was away from the riverbank’s illuminations and how nervous her stomach had just become.
‘Get a grip’, she told herself, ‘you’re nearly there now, it must be the next left’.
She took the next left but still felt uneasy as she couldn’t see anyone else around or signs of movement at the end of the street. Her walk picked up pace and her eyes were in overdrive scanning all around her like a malfunctioning robot. She was about halfway along the street and could see a few cars travelling past the end of it so her shoulders started to relax and she felt silly for having felt a little scared, it was then that she heard footsteps behind her.
Automatically glancing around while picking up her pace she saw a man about twelve foot behind her in jeans and a lightweight jacket, average height, average build, average attacker? Natalie’s shoulders had retreated once again to a hunched tense position and she was walking so fast her lungs felt like they would burst at any minute yet the man behind her was still keeping up with her, she chided herself for not being fitter and put ‘more fitness’ on her mental to do list.
His footsteps were matching hers and he must be taking bigger strides she thought as the sound of them was getting louder, her mind had started to panic, should she pull out her phone and call the police? No, that might slow her down or even if he wasn’t going to mug her seeing her phone might tempt him to. What was in her other pocket? Rescue remedy, great, she could calm her attacker with that. She’d just keep walking with intent, she was nearly at the end of the street now and she could hear a vehicle nearby, her heart was beating faster, his footsteps were getting louder, he was getting so close behind her, she swallowed – clearing her throat ready to scream and had her hands ready to dig nails into where needed. He was next to her, she held her breath, he overtook her, and she still held her breath. They were at the end of the street, he wasn’t going to attack her. She breathed out. A screech of tyres from an oncoming van that pulled up in front of both of them made Natalie and the man stop in their tracks for a split second. A lot happened in the few seconds that followed, the side door to the van slid open and two men with balaclavas jumped out holding guns and shouting at the man to get in. He did after having one of the guns thrust in his face.
‘And your girlfriend too,’ said one of the thugs as he pointed his gun at Natalie.
‘No, I’m not his girlfriend! I’m not with him!’
‘Get in’, said the thug.
Naomi Rettig 